The Cooperation of the Sexes

In the battle of the sexes no one is safe.  Everyone is on defense.  Whoever wants it more loses and everyone is unhappy.  ‘Love’ becomes a competition and the death of true partnership.

old-manwoman-shadowsA man giving his attention to another woman can lead to his partner to think she needs to change her appearance to be like the model on tv.  A woman being cold in the bedroom can drive her partner right to the car dealership for a brand new ego boost.  They both still love each other very much.

How do we mend this old and tattered relationship model of making war out of love?

We come together in solution and union.  We become interested in how to support the other instead of how to beat them.  We care more about being happy than being right.  This is way more fun and far more fulfilling.

In the age of alternative relationships, independent women and sensitive men, we are moving into a place where it’s ok to have our own unique balance of masculine and feminine energy and style of relating.  More people are becoming aware that they have both male and female energies within, each coming with it’s own unique set of strengths and desires that make up a functional whole.  Dating and relationship coaching, relationship dynamics, and psychology being readily available has begun teaching people they no longer need to see themselves as pieces looking for their other half.

Let’s stop the war and give each other what we need.  Let us first realize what we personally need and learn to give it to ourselves.  Then we are available to receive what we want from a partner.  It’s a movement I’m calling the ‘cooperation of the sexes’.  In the spirit of cooperation let’s talk about relationship dynamics and differences.

Want to make a woman happy? 

Let her know she’s sexy AND that she is beautiful.  Feminine energy wants to be noticed both inside the bedroom and outside.  It likes to feel beautiful, experience pleasure and to be noticed by the masculine.  As a busy man it’s easy to get so caught up in achievement that you forget to appreciate the woman you’re with, and without realizing it you can easily add the insecurity about her own beauty that she may already be placing on herself.

If you feel like your lady is feeling down on herself…

Are you putting conscious attention on appreciating her?

Are you taking a moment to notice what kinds of things make her feel sexy and what kinds of things make her feel loved?

If you don’t know… ASK!

Instead of saying “Why are you boring in the bedroom?”, say “What makes you feel sexy?”

If a woman doesn’t feel special in her relationship and doesn’t know how to communicate that effectively, she looks elsewhere to fill that need.  This doesn’t necessarily mean cheating but it can lead to that.  Many times it just means getting attention.  It can also lead to shutting down sexually or withholding sex.  If she doesn’t learn to feel special and beautiful in herself, no man will ever be able to provide this for her and no amount of adoration will be enough.  Our culture perpetuates this insecurity with celebrity culture, TV, media and beauty products.  It’s time for men and women to come together to dismantle the ‘beauty validation shadow’ that has been created, so that the feminine can reclaim it’s divine essence which is true & innate beauty.

And how do we make a man happy? 

 Tell him he’s the man!  Honor his man hood.  Male energy wants to feel useful.  It likes action and to be of service to the feminine.  Men just want to know what to do to make you happy so they can go do just that.  As a highly capable modern woman it’s easy to unintentionally emasculate a man by being so self-sufficient that he feels unimportant and unnecessary in your life and looks for ways to be of service to the feminine elsewhere.  This makes a woman angry… and the vicious cycle creating the battle of the sexes begins.

 If your man’s attention is waning…

Instead of getting mad and pulling away sexually, ask some questions.

How else can you support him in feeling like your man in the bedroom and in life?

Maybe you could ask him about what makes him feel like the man.

Are you receiving his attempts to honor you?

 Underneath it all men cheat because they are trying to find someone who thinks they are important, somewhere their presence matters.  For many men they don’t feel useful to THEMSELVES so they keep looking for their value in other women, never feeling satisfied.  When he doubts his masculine worth, many times he withholds love.  Ladies, you can help by letting him know he’s valuable and respected, allowing him to carry the suitcase, drive the car, fix the computer, or whatever his way of serving may be.  Most of all men love when you ask them for help and trust them with your vulnerability.

*Sometimes men carry a lot of feminine energy and they frequently display feminine energy’s characteristics and visa versa.  This does not mean anything other than we all have a balance of both male and female energies within us and being a man doesn’t necessarily mean we have mostly male energy.  Wherever your balance sits is perfect for you and there are other people out there whose balance is a great match for yours.

The silent killer of relationships

I’m the master of pretending I don’t need anybody.  I’ve done it so much I unintentionally convinced myself and many of my partners that I don’t need them, that I have it all together, and they need to measure up to my personal standard of perfection.  Naturally, this leads to people feeling like shit.  My personal standard of perfection is terrifying and impossible for anyone to achieve.  The interesting part is this couldn’t be further from the truth about how I actually feel.

I also have insecurity that is covered up by pretending to be confident when I’m not.  What I really want is for someone to see who I really am and still love me.  Bingo.  That is the one thing we all crave.    No one can love us in spite of us if we don’t let them see us.  After becoming aware that my standard of perfection was being held up for my partner, I’ve been making a conscious effort to share my soft spots instead of cover them up, allowing her to love me anyway.  This has brought us much closer and my honesty has allowed her to feel more confident in my presence.  For those who have perfectionistic tendencies like I do, it takes a conscious effort to be vulnerable.  It will mean the world to your partner and to your relationship.

In the battle of the sexes women and men are different

Sometimes with opposing needs and desires

But in the cooperation of the sexes we see the other as a mirror

Teaching us about our own male and female energy

Learning to interact with our partner is learning to interact with ourself

Finding balance in our relationship is finding balance within ourself

Our partner is showing us what we need work on

When we see it this way, we stop blaming them for not giving us what we need

We begin giving ourselves what we need

If we do this internally and they are not an external match for it, they will either step up or step out

Making space for someone who is a match

The divine marriage emerges from inside

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Misery is a product of your own imagination.

Misery is a choice; it’s not even our natural state.  We have to work really hard at it!  But once we latch onto it, letting go can be quite difficult, like a baby on it’s mama’s teet.  We come from a source of infinite love and joy and that is our natural state. Our bodies start to break down when we leave that place consistently for long periods of time.  This is the root cause of much of the illness and disease our culture experiences today.

We are all born happy. This misery stuff is bull shit.  It’s a blatant choice to stick up your middle finger to your own natural way of being.  It’s leaving your hammock on the most beautiful white sandy beach in the Carribean, where you were getting a coconut oil massage from the sexiest person alive, and sipping an orgasmic fruity umbrella drink, for a nude dive with Gary Busey and Roseanne Barr in the sewer underneath Riverside, CA.

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Would you wish that upon anyone??  This is what you’re doing to yourself.  No one made you leave the beach, that was your choice.  You say, “I was fine and then I lost my job/wife/mojo/leg.”  If you lose your happiness BECAUSE of something outside yourself, your happiness is circumstantial and conditional; you can only be happy if particular planets are in alignment.  When things don’t go the way you want them to, you can have whatever reaction you need to, and simply move on or find the lesson and make the best of it.  That’s what happy people do.  Shit happens, and they go back to the beach.  They don’t swim in the sewer.

When you feel miserable you will defend that misery at all costs because you feel like you would only be this way for good reason, and if you are consistently miserable for a period of time it becomes a comfortable, addictive state. You can actually be addicted to suffering! When you’re running the suffering addiction pattern, someone who is happy is a threat to your misery.  So a miserable person will seek out other people, circumstances, and life events to perpetuate that feeling.  They are dwelling in the problems they have created for themselves and they want someone to join, because on some level they know this state of mind is their choice and they need agreement to make it ok to be choosing misery. They don’t have to be accountable to STOP suffering if the people around them are suffering too. This is why people say misery loves company.

When you are not happy and you want to be in a happy relationship you are putting an impossible expectation on your partner.  They are sure to fail, which will continue the vicious cycle of suffering.  Only you can choose to be happy, and you sure as hell can’t make someone else be happy either.  You can only be responsible for your self and let everyone else be responsible for themselves. WE ARE ALL 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN EXPERIENCE OF LIFE NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

We always have exactly what we want in life.  If bad things keep happening to you, there is a part of you that wants those things to happen, maybe there is something you need to learn that would end the cycle. Rather than pointing the finger at something outside of yourself for ‘making’ you miserable, own that shit. Adopt of mindset of responsibility and point that finger at yourself. “I’m choosing to make myself miserable about this.”  It kills the excuse of being a victim of an outside circumstance, you get to take back your power and, eloquently speaking, make that circumstance your bitch.  How silly is it to let yourself be miserable because someone cut you off in traffic, dumped you, or even if you get a terminal illness?  Why willingly give your power over to that life challenge?  Does that create a solution or just perpetuate the problem?  No matter what happens the only thing you have control over is the way you react.

There are so many inspiring stories of people who made the best out of getting cancer or loosing a limb. They find a way to accept their circumstances and in many cases they come out a happier person after what could have been a devastating life event.  Let people like this be an inspiration and don’t let anything or anyone take you from your white sandy beach.

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Would you date you?

Ultimately if you don’t like yourself no one else will. Everyone talks about confidence. Confidence is attractive, yes. But there is something deeper than confidence I want to talk about today. It’s profound and deep, it’s abstract and under-rated. It’s self love. I realize this post is called “Would you date you?” It’s important to start with the foundation of magnetism, the art of attraction before skipping to the end. So many people go right to the surface stuff like, what your hobbies are, who you hang out with, how you present yourself to the world, what you do for work, how much money you have, etc. I’m all about that stuff, but it comes after. It’s your personality and people either like it or they don’t and that means nothing about YOU.

In today’s world we are judged by our personality and our character goes unseen. Character is who you are when people aren’t looking. When it’s quiet and you aren’t doing anything and there is no noise to distract. It’s who you are when you are alone with yourself. At that still moment ask yourself, do I love myself? If the answer is no, then you have no business dating around or trying to get someone else to love you. It won’t work. No one can love you until you love yourself.

It doesn’t mean you can’t think you want to improve something about yourself, or you have things to work on, or the other day you were rude to that cashier or short with a friend. That’s always going to be there, it’s part of being human. However judging ourselves for these things harshly over time can start to chip away at the love we once had for ourselves. Everyone one had it once. We are born into this world with it, and it’s always there when we want to come back to it.

We’ve all heard about unconditional love. Maybe your parents didn’t give that to you, maybe they didn’t know how but they tried their best and loved you the only way they knew how. Usually somewhere along the way our parents mess up and don’t love us the way we think they should. Then we blame them for why x is wrong with us. This doesn’t fix anything, so at some point we stop pointing the finger and look inside ourselves where the solutions truly lie… they lie in unconditional love. Good news is you don’t have to learn unconditional love from your parents. If you got it, great. If not, the universal God energy is giving it to us, teaching us how to love, all the time. It’s in the stillness and the silence. Sometimes it’s easiest to feel when you are around a baby or a puppy or a waterfall in nature, but really it’s everywhere all the time.

If you don’t love yourself no one else will. Start there, build a foundation upon which to have a great personality. In fact a great personality will come when you begin to open yourself to love and it will be your true personality based in your character. And it will be unique to you and unlike anyone else. That is sexy. ;)

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Way of the Superior Man-David Deida

People always ask me what I recommend they read.  This is one of the only books I recommend men read because most everything gets you even more in your head and isn't really necessary for your growth.  You already have enough information to be successful, if you just learned HOW to use it properly!  While this could also get you in your head if you think about it too much I think it's information is valuable enough to make it worth it… and don't get in your head about it. :)  Please note, David Deida is a better speaker then writer so the audio book is better in my opinion.  Plus, you can listen to it while you drive if you don't have much time to read.

The concept is a great and very important one to get… The very thing that makes women and men attracted to each other is the differences between them.  Getting this basic biological truth can answer the question "how do I meet girls" on a very fundamental level.  The male and female energies are opposite and one needs the other to be a complete energetic circle and actualize itself in physical reality.  We all have both energies in us.  But there is a primary energy that we relate with, for most men is the masculine energy and most women it's the feminine energy.  We all know some people who don't fit this of course.  Some men are more comfortable in the feminine and they are going to be more attracted to a masculine woman and visa versa.

 

Understanding these energies is important for your growth and learning how to meet girls because you could be doing things that are getting in your way and hurting your chances with women.  This is about really understanding yourself which is an important starting point in your development.  If a woman can't feel your masculine presence she will not choose you as a lover.  She may think you would make a great friend, but not a lover.  She wants a masculine man because it opens her to her own feminine self which is where she is the most happy and fulfilled.  Many men become afraid of their own masculinity, power, and sexuality, also known as the dark side or shadow material.  The shadow material is all of your best stuff that you have judged and repressed because you think it's bad or dangerous. 

 

Simply coming into relationship with this dark side can unleash your attractive male energy that draws women in.  Many times I've seen men find it through coming into relationship with their anger.  The part of themselves that they think is dangerous or evil is the most attractive part!  You can begin to become honest with yourself about what you are angry about and feel that. (example: you let your ex-girlfriend walk all over you).  Your ex walked all over you because you let her.  She couldn't feel your presence and so she did what she wanted.  There were no boundaries for her to push up against so she just kept going and going.  The Way of the Superior Man goes into this in depth.

 

When you had some core masculine energy and a backbone to support you she knows she cannot get away with walking all over you so she simply doesn't do it.  What's even better is she becomes more attracted to you, and there begins a healthy, happy relationship.  I have had experiences with a man who was relaxed in his male energy and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever felt.  It's a woman's dream…

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Lessons to be learned from Pick-up Artists’ Mistakes

More nuggets you can take away from my experience at the PUA summit… read previous article first.

 

If you can't own it, DON'T pretend to.  The best game I saw at the PUA World Summit was from… the AVATAR?

 

It's very uncomfortable for a woman when a guy takes a line/routein/strategy that works for someone else and uses it, pretending to be a pick-up God while underneath he feels unworthy or terrified.  What makes someone creepy is when they are trying to hide something others can obviously see.  This can be subtle.  Say a guy walks up to a girl and feels sexually attracted to her but he doesn't want her to know that because he is embarrassed so he tries to hide it.  He is aplogizing for his sexual desire without even saying anything and he comes across as creepy.  I saw this happen a lot when guys at the seminar approached me, my female friends, and girls on the street during the day game workshop.  They see someone else who can "own it" do something and they try to replicate it without the feeling of masculine presence that made it work in the first place!  This is incongruent and incongruency raises red flags in a woman's brain.

 

The random guy dressed as an Avatar doing a promo on the street did this better than anyone else I personally encountered at the summit.  Wait till you see this on the video we made, the way he owns it is amazing.  He was going super direct and sexual, and I'm not gonna lie, I was a little turned on by the strange blue creature with the long braid!

 

Stop thinking so much!  Reality doesn't happen in your head.

 

This could be one of the number one causes of failure I saw at the PUA summit.  Guys go up in their heads to try and recall the thing they are supposed to say and it takes them away from the moment and knocks them off their grounding.  Then they can't think of what it is they are trying to remember and they get even more ungrounded and anxious, eventually making her uncomfortable, and ultimately crashing and burning.  A huge key is being grounded and staying in your body and out of your head.  One thing that I thought was funny is ALL the female instructors at the Pick-up artist convention said "It's not so much about what you say" or "Openers don't matter" or "Don't get caught up in specifics about what to say" and yet guys are still thinking that if they learn the correct line/routein/frame it will make them successful with women.  Nothing is a substitute for good old fashion groundedness, (yes I just made up a word) and it really doesn't matter what you say.  

 

Give anything to someone like Robbie Kramer from Inner Confidence and he will make it work for him because he is grounded.  In the last couple years I've known him, he has made things I dare not repeat work to his favor due to staying grounded and calm in any situation.  We did some outlandish approaches to push our comfort zones together and his energy made me feel even more comfortable.

 

Manipulation won't buy happiness

 

I heard someone on stage say that "If you want to get with a girl, you just keep trying.  Once you get her back to your place for 10 minutes, try to make out with her.  If she says no, talk about something else, then try again in 10 minutes.  Keep trying until she either gives in or goes home."  Now, I must clarify, it's not that this won't work because ultmately it usually will!  She will either give in or go home.  If she does it after you tenaciously stay at it with her and she just gets tired of saying no, do you think she will want to hang out with you after that?  No.  I've had this happen and I did not leave with a good feeling because I felt manipulated and coersed in to doing something that I didn't want to do in the first place.  I heard someone say when talking about taking girls home from a club, "Find the girls who want it and leave the rest alone."  It's desperate to think that you have to keep trying and trying to get a girl to make out with you… why don't you just find one who wants to?  Then she will feel good about it and hang out with you again!   The point is there is another way of going about it.  If you can tell she really doesn't want to hook up with you, let the poor girl go home with her dignity.  You will get to keep yours as well!  There is not much self-respect in forcing someone to do something they don't want to do.

 

I know someone who used to be a pick-up artist who ended up getting married and recently divorced.  His wife really manipulated him into a lot of things.  He says that he feels like on some level he brought that on himself and he deserved it for all the times he manipulated women in the past.  One thing to keep in mind is that there is justice in the universe and you get back what you put out there.  If you manipulate women, they will manipulate you back.  Karma is a biotch. :-)

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How to meet single women in San Diego

As some one who gives dating tips and relationship help I have many single guys in San Diego ask me where to meet local single girls.


Let's start at the beginning: every girl wants to have some guy come out of nowhere and sweep her off her feet. Some of us are more jaded about the reality of that actually happening, but I don't think any of us would complain if it did. You can be that guy.  Here's how…


Going out is really popular because for many San Diego girls, being social is a top priority.  You can find girls EVERYWHERE you go in San Diego… ok almost everywhere.  Bars and malls are always crawling with girls, even the street downtown is full of attractive women.  Don't forget to look in your own backyard, on your college campus, neighborhood coffee shops.  Many times the very girls you want to meet are behind you in line at the grocery store or waiting by you to cross the intersection on her lunch break.  Meetup.com is a great way to meet people with similar interests that you might not otherwise see out and about.


While women definitely hit up the gym, San Diego gyms are one place where I would recommend using caution when picking up girls. If she has her headphones on and face buried in a magazine, chances are she wants to be left alone. Although, if a girl has make-up and a cute outfit on, she probably wants someone to notice her.  It's good to have some kind of eye contact and indicators she is interested in you before approaching a woman at the gym.   


Find a few hobbies and get out of your house, and you are bound to see there is an abundance of women all around you.  If you are not meeting women, you might have a block to meeting them or you could be holding yourself back in some way.  If this is the case finding a dating coach or some kind of dating help may be a good idea. 


Embrace the Familiar


One of my favorite dating tips I tell my clients is to find your favorite places to go and get to know everyone there. People who are social are always meeting new people and introducing old friends to new friends. Establish yourself at a place you like to go, where everyone knows you, and meet new girls there. Introducing a new girl you meet to other groups of people creates value by showing you are a social person.


Escape the Friend Zone


Stay out of the friend zone. Once you are in, it's hard to get out. I hear a lot of single guys in San Diego say things like: "We are great friends but I don't know if she wants anything more…" usually she doesn't, because you already blew it. You must establish yourself as interested in her as more then a friend from the beginning.


One of the best ways to do this is to touch her (apropriately). Don't molest her on the dance floor without asking, unless you would like a drink poured splashed in your face (I actually saw this happen). I'm talking about normal friendly touch. If you watch guys who are successful with women they generally touch a lot and most of them don't even realize they do it. It is natural and appealing to women, and a good way to let them know you are not looking for another "friend".


Another way to ensure you never start out in the friend zone is tease and banter with her. Be aware that there is pick up artist material out there that tells you to be rude to girls to get their attention and lower their value. That doesn't work with girls who are secure with themselves. The right kind of teasing is fun for everyone, and it has her know you like her. If it works she will usually be laughing at what you said, and might challenge you back with some witty teasing of her own.


Stay Relaxed


Don't be too overly excited to talk to a girl. This is known as eager beaver syndrome, and it plagues many men in San Diego and all over the world. Talk to her with the same level of confidence you talk to your guy friends, and at the same time allow yourself to be interested in her as a woman. Whatever you do don't be weird around her just because she is pretty. Attractive women can judge in seconds if the guy they are talking to is used to talking to attractive women or if he is "star struck".


If you forget everything else I said, remember this… have fun!  Being a fun, easy-going person is one of the most redeeming qualities a man can have. People want to be around people who are having fun and who don't take themselves too seriously.


Insider Dating Tip: Don't ever use a pick-up line you read, unless you get it signed off by three girls first. These store-bought pick-up lines are usually lame and fall flat because they lack intelligence and creativity. You will have a lot better luck making up your own stuff (if you must) or being spontaneous and creative in the moment.  This goes for most of the "pick up artist" material you find out there… just don't say no one ever told you it doesn't work.


Jamie Thompson is a well known San Diego dating coach and has helped many single guys in San Diego achieve their dating goals. Jamie is offering free San Diego dating consultations right now. If you are interested, email her at Jamie@TheMysteryKey.com. For more information, visit TheMysteryKey.com.

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