The Cooperation of the Sexes

In the battle of the sexes no one is safe.  Everyone is on defense.  Whoever wants it more loses and everyone is unhappy.  ‘Love’ becomes a competition and the death of true partnership.

old-manwoman-shadowsA man giving his attention to another woman can lead to his partner to think she needs to change her appearance to be like the model on tv.  A woman being cold in the bedroom can drive her partner right to the car dealership for a brand new ego boost.  They both still love each other very much.

How do we mend this old and tattered relationship model of making war out of love?

We come together in solution and union.  We become interested in how to support the other instead of how to beat them.  We care more about being happy than being right.  This is way more fun and far more fulfilling.

In the age of alternative relationships, independent women and sensitive men, we are moving into a place where it’s ok to have our own unique balance of masculine and feminine energy and style of relating.  More people are becoming aware that they have both male and female energies within, each coming with it’s own unique set of strengths and desires that make up a functional whole.  Dating and relationship coaching, relationship dynamics, and psychology being readily available has begun teaching people they no longer need to see themselves as pieces looking for their other half.

Let’s stop the war and give each other what we need.  Let us first realize what we personally need and learn to give it to ourselves.  Then we are available to receive what we want from a partner.  It’s a movement I’m calling the ‘cooperation of the sexes’.  In the spirit of cooperation let’s talk about relationship dynamics and differences.

Want to make a woman happy? 

Let her know she’s sexy AND that she is beautiful.  Feminine energy wants to be noticed both inside the bedroom and outside.  It likes to feel beautiful, experience pleasure and to be noticed by the masculine.  As a busy man it’s easy to get so caught up in achievement that you forget to appreciate the woman you’re with, and without realizing it you can easily add the insecurity about her own beauty that she may already be placing on herself.

If you feel like your lady is feeling down on herself…

Are you putting conscious attention on appreciating her?

Are you taking a moment to notice what kinds of things make her feel sexy and what kinds of things make her feel loved?

If you don’t know… ASK!

Instead of saying “Why are you boring in the bedroom?”, say “What makes you feel sexy?”

If a woman doesn’t feel special in her relationship and doesn’t know how to communicate that effectively, she looks elsewhere to fill that need.  This doesn’t necessarily mean cheating but it can lead to that.  Many times it just means getting attention.  It can also lead to shutting down sexually or withholding sex.  If she doesn’t learn to feel special and beautiful in herself, no man will ever be able to provide this for her and no amount of adoration will be enough.  Our culture perpetuates this insecurity with celebrity culture, TV, media and beauty products.  It’s time for men and women to come together to dismantle the ‘beauty validation shadow’ that has been created, so that the feminine can reclaim it’s divine essence which is true & innate beauty.

And how do we make a man happy? 

 Tell him he’s the man!  Honor his man hood.  Male energy wants to feel useful.  It likes action and to be of service to the feminine.  Men just want to know what to do to make you happy so they can go do just that.  As a highly capable modern woman it’s easy to unintentionally emasculate a man by being so self-sufficient that he feels unimportant and unnecessary in your life and looks for ways to be of service to the feminine elsewhere.  This makes a woman angry… and the vicious cycle creating the battle of the sexes begins.

 If your man’s attention is waning…

Instead of getting mad and pulling away sexually, ask some questions.

How else can you support him in feeling like your man in the bedroom and in life?

Maybe you could ask him about what makes him feel like the man.

Are you receiving his attempts to honor you?

 Underneath it all men cheat because they are trying to find someone who thinks they are important, somewhere their presence matters.  For many men they don’t feel useful to THEMSELVES so they keep looking for their value in other women, never feeling satisfied.  When he doubts his masculine worth, many times he withholds love.  Ladies, you can help by letting him know he’s valuable and respected, allowing him to carry the suitcase, drive the car, fix the computer, or whatever his way of serving may be.  Most of all men love when you ask them for help and trust them with your vulnerability.

*Sometimes men carry a lot of feminine energy and they frequently display feminine energy’s characteristics and visa versa.  This does not mean anything other than we all have a balance of both male and female energies within us and being a man doesn’t necessarily mean we have mostly male energy.  Wherever your balance sits is perfect for you and there are other people out there whose balance is a great match for yours.

The silent killer of relationships

I’m the master of pretending I don’t need anybody.  I’ve done it so much I unintentionally convinced myself and many of my partners that I don’t need them, that I have it all together, and they need to measure up to my personal standard of perfection.  Naturally, this leads to people feeling like shit.  My personal standard of perfection is terrifying and impossible for anyone to achieve.  The interesting part is this couldn’t be further from the truth about how I actually feel.

I also have insecurity that is covered up by pretending to be confident when I’m not.  What I really want is for someone to see who I really am and still love me.  Bingo.  That is the one thing we all crave.    No one can love us in spite of us if we don’t let them see us.  After becoming aware that my standard of perfection was being held up for my partner, I’ve been making a conscious effort to share my soft spots instead of cover them up, allowing her to love me anyway.  This has brought us much closer and my honesty has allowed her to feel more confident in my presence.  For those who have perfectionistic tendencies like I do, it takes a conscious effort to be vulnerable.  It will mean the world to your partner and to your relationship.

In the battle of the sexes women and men are different

Sometimes with opposing needs and desires

But in the cooperation of the sexes we see the other as a mirror

Teaching us about our own male and female energy

Learning to interact with our partner is learning to interact with ourself

Finding balance in our relationship is finding balance within ourself

Our partner is showing us what we need work on

When we see it this way, we stop blaming them for not giving us what we need

We begin giving ourselves what we need

If we do this internally and they are not an external match for it, they will either step up or step out

Making space for someone who is a match

The divine marriage emerges from inside

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How having fun could save your relationship – Relationship Advice

images-7The third thing I see hindering relationships of clients who come to see me is couples aren’t out there having fun together. It’s easy to get stuck in the mundane of the every day and forget to do things that bring out what made you like your partner from the beginning.

 Staying out of the seemingly inevitable rut
At some point in all relationships there is a pattern that starts to occur.  You fall into a routine of doing that same things together.  This can start to seem boring.  Until you shake it up!  Sounds great right? But how? Think about when you are the most attracted to your partner. What are they doing when they are truly in their element?  What makes them radiate happiness?  What gets them out of their head and enjoying life again?  What turns you on? Maybe they are super sexy when they play that old guitar they haven’t brought out in months or when they are on a little getaway.  Maybe you like seeing her dressed up? Well give her a reason to!  Plan a special date night to somewhere you know she likes.  Does she talk about how much she likes sushi or concerts or a spa day or dancing or little trips or painting or hiking or just cuddling on the couch together watching a movie?  Find out what she likes doing and if you don’t know it’s time to start asking questions. This one thing can save a relationship.  When you try new things together it brings back the spark of newness. Even if something isn’t new individually, it can be new together.

Importance of creating together  
If you’re not careful your relationship can become about your pain.  It can become about the problems that arise and not about the creation of a partnership you want to be a part of.

*** Fun exercise: Try writing a list of 20 things you would do with your partner if time and money were no issue.

You can have her do the same thing! Now see how you can do mini versions of those things, or even the whole shebang for some of them. You will be surprised at the automatic resistance we put up to doing new things without actually considering how we can make it work. Rather than saying “It’s impossible because (your favorite excuse of time/money/tiredness) ask yourself “How can I make this happen in my life this month?”

*** Fun exercise Part deux: Have you and your partner create a list of what you want in a relationship and compare! You may find that you have more things in common than you think and you can start making an effort to give your partner what they want rather than assuming they want the same things as you do.

My man keeps me on my toes
Something I love about the man I’m currently seeing is he comes up with all kinds of fun things to do.  We inspire each other to do new things and push each other to grow.  From concerts to new food to artistic ventures to little getaways, he’s always surprising me with something fun.  One time I said “Let’s go to Mexico this weekend.” And he said “Ya, let’s do that.”  This was Wednesday. We left on Friday.  It was amazing.  In a relationship where you never know what you expect and you’re being surprised by the other person consistently it never feels old and mundane.  See how you can wow your partner.  See what would push the boundary of who they think you are or of your relationship?  This is where growth occurs. When boundaries are pushed and it feels just a little uncomfortable.  Next stop, try this in the bedroom.  Bedroom blogpost coming up next week. :) 

 

Relationship coach Dating coach Relationship tips Relationship Advice Dating tips Los Angeles Dating Coach Los Angeles Relationship Coach

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Vulnerability – your secret weapon (Relationship advice)

4 keys to healthy relationships: 2nd Key is Vulnerability

images-1The second thing happy couples have that I find missing in people who come to me with relationships on the rocks is vulnerability.  I’m putting this in a separate category as communication because you can have good communication and still not share the deep stuff.  The deep stuff is what bonds us together and makes us really trust certain people and feel comfortable around them. When we show someone our true self and they still love and accept us, we immediately feel more love for them.  When they open up to us it also draws us closer.  This is why family and childhood ties can be so deep.  This is why it can be really hard to let a past partner go – vulnerability creates attachments.

We associate our level of relationship based on how much we reveal to someone and how much they reveal to us.  This is the same reason that the very first night I met my current partner I felt like I’d known him for years. Very quickly I felt like he knew me better than all my family and any of my childhood friends.  Vulnerability causes attachments and bonds that run deep so when a relationship has vulnerability present there is a very palpable bond between two people.

There is an article I posted on my Facebook page: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html

In this article it talks about how there is a science to falling in love.  As much as we want to believe it’s magic, it’s really not, or at least not entirely.  They say if you ask these 36 questions and stare into the eyes of a complete stranger for 4 minutes uninterrupted you are well on the road to falling in love.  I’m glad there is proof to this now so people can research it when I say that going deep and asking personal questions in dating is a good idea.  By the time you are in a committed relationship keeping this kind of sharing going insures your longevity and closeness with one another.

If you start sharing more personal things about yourself and your feelings and past experiences with your partner they will start doing the same thing.  It’s called investment.  When one person invests, it’s natural for the other person to feel more comfortable investing as well.  Somebody has to get the ball rolling and pretty soon it becomes normal to be sharing the deepest parts of yourself with the one you hold so close.

If you or your partner isn’t willing to invest, they may have a wall and it can take time to break that down but it’s important that you take the time to work on it.  You can give them space to do so and maybe encourage they talk to a professional relationship coach about it first if there is a particular past event they are uncomfortable sharing.  Make sure they know you love them and you want to love all the parts of them, even the ones they are uncomfortable sharing.  If you’re concerned about sharing something really personal sometimes having a professional help facilitate the conversation is helpful.  The point is to start sharing more with each other.

Los Angeles Relationship coach. Los Angeles Dating Coach. Relationship advice. Dating tips.

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4 keys to healthy relationships – Relationship advice

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Do you ever wonder how some couples are so happy together? They seem to have some key that is hidden from the rest of the world who are just getting by and getting divorced. Healthy relationships can be elusive to those who haven’t experienced them because of course they are trying so hard to have a happy relationship but somehow it isn’t working.

When I was in my early 20’s I remember seeing this one ridiculously cute couple whom I secretly hated. They were all kiss in public and pet names and yet they could easily allow the other to have a boys weekend or night out with her girlfriends, outside of the relationship. I on the other hand, was a hot mess. I couldn’t seem to find any sort of contentment inside of a relationship longer than a couple months. I thought I was doing something wrong or it just wasn’t possible for me. Then though my own trial and error and a lot of personal work I realized this: even when someone is a great match for you, it’s still a lot of work to keep things fun and fresh. No matter how easy and relaxed someone’s relationship seems, and whether they are aware of it or not, they are doing something behind the scenes to maintain it. Many of us learned this lesson along the way, but what specific things can you do? I’ve listed 4 main topics that I see out of balance in people who come to me with challenges in their relationship or relationships that don’t last. With this awareness one can start making steps toward a more fulfilling and exciting relationship immediately.

First take a pen and make a square. In each corner write one of the following: Communication, Vulnerablity, Fun/Activities, Sex. Then write a dot on each corner of the square. This would be what your relationship would look like if it was fulfilled in each of these areas: A balanced square. Write a dot where your actual satisfaction in the area is, the center of the square being zero and the corner where the dot is currently being 100% satisfied. Don’t over think it, go with your initial gut instinct. This exercise is a visual representation of what needs the most work in your relationship or what is out of balance.

Let’s start with communication. This was the first thing I realized I was not doing in my own short lived relationships. I wasn’t asking for what I wanted or even being honest with myself about what I desired in relationship. If this area has problems, issues in other areas are bound to arise because people undoubtedly have different wants, needs, and opinions about everyday things and if not shared or dealt with, they become repressed and turn to anger and resentment. Because it’s not always appropriate to share every little gripe and complaint with your partner, it’s helpful to have someone who is objective to support you in your relationship as well so you only go to your partner with things that you need to work out with them. It’s difficult to change the other areas I’m going to cover if communication isn’t established so this long winded explanation is why it’s the first building block to a healthy relationship.

First and foremost: most people’s communication in relationships is terrible. Just look at the nasty divorce pattern that we are seeing in more than 50% of couples who swear to spend the rest of their lives together. Whether or not they were right for each other is a whole different story but if the divorce is not amicable and no one is literally insane, it’s because there is a history of needs not communicated and the couple is harboring resentments toward one another. Believe it or not, there are some people who have very respectful divorces even in cases on infidelity when they learn to communicate with one another. In a time when the former is more common than the latter some people would call what I’m about to say radical communication.

One of the issues I see people bring up about communication is being afraid of asking for what they want for fear it will be judged or rejected or misunderstood. So here is an easy place to start. One thing that is tremendously helpful in communicating issues is the ol’ ‘I feel’ statement you may have learned in 2nd grade. Still extremely relevant and effective in adult relationships as on the playground basketball court. Starting your communication with “I feel _______.” instead of “You’re ________.” makes a difficult communication much easier to be heard.

Taking the ‘I feel’ statement to the adult level involves employing solution based communication instead of placing blame, simply complaining, or making your partner responsible for meeting your needs without even knowing what they are in the first place.

Example:
“I’ve been feeling distant from you lately. I miss our one on one time together. I was thinking we could go hiking and bring a picnic lunch this Saturday.”
-is a compelling invitation compared to-
“You never want to see me anymore. Do you even care?”

When communicating something challenging for your partner to hear be sure to take responsibility for your view of the situation and your part in it. If someone is accused of something they immediately get defensive even if they know what you’re saying is true. It’s important to LISTEN to their point of view as well because you may find you are doing something that is bothering them too. If you want to be heard you must be willing to hear others.

Note to be aware of:
Careful with never and always statements, those are rarely true and are accusatory in nature. “It feels like… or it seems like we haven’t spent as much time together lately.” are easier to hear than making your perspective the the truth by saying “You have been ignoring me.”

A tool to implement: SHARETIME
One thing I find very helpful to employ is something I call “Sharetime”. Sharetime is a structure for communicating tough stuff. One caution to starting something like this: if you have had little to no communication of the tough stuff to talk about yet in your relationship, seeking professional help to get the communication ball rolling can be very helpful. When issues are repressed there tends to be extra anger, resentment and sadness behind them and the issue itself may not be such a big deal but all the repressed emotion can be overwhelming to deal with on your own. Once “Sharetime” is created you can use it as a safe way to communicate things that might normally be challenging or hard to hear. “I want to have share time.” is a wonderful way to keep the communication present in a relationship and let your partner know you need to be heard.

Rules of Sharetime:
-Listen intently to every word your partner has to say about a subject before responding. Your intention is to understand what’s it’s like in their shoes.
-Use I feel statements. Don’t blame. Take responsibility for your perspective and your part in the issue and understand your way is not the only way to see it.
-Share with the intention of letting it go. It’s not about making the other person feel bad, it’s about saying what you need to say. ‘Getting something off your chest.’

Once someone truly feels like they have been heard and acknowledged for how they feel, it disappears. There may be layers of the same thing happening over and over again and not being communicated or past traumas but each time someone is truly heard another layer of trauma disappears and something new is possible.

Remember this is a life long process, you are never “done” until you’re dead. Communication is the gateway for getting your needs met and moving past old relationship patterns, and of course, creating happy healthy relationships both romantically and personally.

Next post I will cover the next key to happy relationships.

Relationship tips/relationship advice/relationship coaching/Los Angeles

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Make Your Fantasy a Reality on Valentine’s Day

Don’t have a date on Valentine’s Day? Let the dating coach help… It’s definitely not because there are a lack of women who want dates on Valentine’s Day!  Chances are it’s because you need it too much. When we desire something it becomes a fantasy and fantasies are fictional stories that never actually happen. We get stuck in the wanting of it and lose sight of having our desires come to fruition. The paradox is that actually getting what we truly want can be disappointing because it’s the death of the fantasy. We develop a close bond with our deepest fantasies and letting go of them can be a dislocating and uncomfortable experience. Part of the reason change is so difficult is you must dislocate yourself from your current state and sever the fantasy strings.  It’s much like uprooting a plant, the longer it has been there the harder it is to get all the roots.  Fantasy locks in our old behavior patterns and limits us to remain in our current set of beliefs and patterns.  It hides the very actions that could change everything from your view and tricks you into thinking you’re already on your way.  How the hell do I let go of these fantasies you say!?

The dating coach’s guide to getting a girlfriend:

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Step 1: Acknowledging your starting point. Simply take stock of where you are.

Example: I don’t have a girlfriend and I’m not dating anyone.

Step 2: Asking yourself what fantasies are in place that are giving you a false sense of hope and holding you back simultaneously?

Example: One day a gorgeous Victoria’s Secret model will walk up to me in a bar, beg me to take her home and fall madly in love with me because I’m such a rockstar in the sack and we will have a four sum with Scarlete Johansson and Kate Upton and live in sexual ecstasy for all of our days.  

Ok, so that might be a little extreme, but our fantasies can be too!  Sometimes they are smaller like when we say “I’m going to start my daily workout routein tomorrow” and then we never do.  Holding on to that ‘tomorrow’ gives us a false sense of hope that we are going to do something about it rather than taking action in the present.  Tomorrow never comes…

Step 3: Feeling and integrating the emotional content that is underneath the fantasy.  This is what the fantasy is covering up.  Once it has moved through you and been released you can easily make a new choice and move forward!

Example: I feel lonely and powerless.

Step 4: The zinger.   Yep, those were the easy ones. :)  Taking responsibility for choosing to feel lonely and powerless and recognizing that it has nothing to do with your dating life, but rather that you are using that circumstance to feel lonely and powerless.  Facing this inner truth can feel gross inside, but ultimately when we take responsibility for our life we have the power to change it, otherwise we remain a victim to our outside world with no option of being anything other than a victim.

Even though consciously you may know the likelihood of your fantasy happening is pretty slim, it still gives you a place to hide out, while not actually making choices that shape your reality.  And think about it, who can actually live up to your fantasy???  No one can because it only exists in your mind!  Choose to have something real and tangible and experience in your body what it would be like to have it right now in this moment.  Choose someone who loves you for you… someone with whome  you can share laughter and joy… that you’re wildly attracted to… who is down to earth enough to be your best friend… whatever it is you want.  Rather than focusing on the specifics of who and what, create what it feels like and be open to it looking different than what you might have expected.

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Choices happen, desires don’t.

Taking action moves you forward, hoping doesn’t.

Stop fantasizing about Kate Upton and choose to meet someone amazing.

Feel free to ask the dating coach any other questions you might have about making your fantasies a reality.

Jamie@TheMysteryKey.com

 

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How to not be taken advantage of by women.

I recently heard someone say the first cue that a woman is trying to take advantage of you is that she has breasts.  There is some truth to that statement.  One of the ways women find their power when they think they have none is through manipulating men. Every girl gets her heart broken and ego demolished at some point, it’s like a rite of passage into woman hood.

For me, I was 17.  Just moved in with my first boyfriend whome I was head over heels in love with.  I got in a car accident at like 2 am up some crazy mountain road and I needed someone to come pick me up.  I call and call but he doesn’t answer.  I have a weird feeling in my stomach because I have my mother’s intuition and I can sense when something is wrong.  Finally, one of my friends drove an hour to come get me and took me back to our  apartment where much to my dismay, he wasn’t there.  I knew what was happening but I didn’t believe it.  Later on, I ended up finding out that he had been cheating on me with a friend of mine for about 6 months.  I was devastated and more than anything I felt stupid because I cared for him so much.  He begged me to take him back and I did…but I was never the same to him again.  In the back of my mind I knew that I was going to teach him a lesson; Miss Jamie wanted her power back.  I noticed that when I was withholding my attention from him inadvertantly because my feelings were hurt, he was making up the difference and paying more attention to me in turn.  I knew that it was becoming more and more over for me, but I let him continue to do this because I didn’t to give him the chance to hurt me like that ever again.  He damn near went crazy trying to make it like it used to be.  One day I ended it because he was so paranoid about me cheating (never did happen) and I became unattracted to him.

I learned a few lessons about relationships:

1) I can use withholding my attention to gain power if I feel like it’s lacking.

2) Men will break my heart if I let them have the power.

Every woman out there has some story, some moment where she felt used, stupid, unloved, or betrayed by a man she was in love with who she thought would never do such a thing to her.  They want to get back Johnny Heartberaker and the male race for breaking their heart when they were a teenager.  So women learn to withhold sex and attention from men and use them as weapons of mass destruction to the male ego.  Men play into the game by trying to get what they think they need from women.  They spend countless hours in the gym and going out hitting on girls trying desperatly to be cooler and more attractive so the ladies will give them the sex and attention they so desire.

Are women just compulsively seeking control? (One lovely fellow asks)

It depends, for some it’s to protect themselves from being humped and dumped by someone they really care about, and some women get obsessed with this.  What starts off as an intention to protect herself from being hurt like she was in the past can turn into a compulsive control strategy.  Power is like a drug, some people do it a few times and realize it’s not for them and others become crack heads living on the street, robbing their mother to get their next fix.  So for some girls the club is their crack pipe and men are the rock.  Turning men who want them down becomes a sport, and even an addictive behavior.  Women will go as far as dangling the promise of her sexuality in front of his face while men take them on vacations and extravagant dinners without ever planning on giving it to them.  I’d be lying if I said I haven’t ever done that… and gained a temporary satisfaction from it.  Some women, and this happened for me, feel empty inside.  Then we do to emotional rehab and stop trying to use men for our own temporary false gratification.  I have and I know other women who have turned down free stuff, money, vacations, expensive dinners, and jewelry; sometimes even free drinks, when they could have easily taken these things because they didn’t want to lead a guy on.  That is being responsible with their power.

To those who already hate women and are looking for one more reason to continue doing so: Don’t take the truth I’m telling and go on a woman hating rampage trying to get them back, because you are adding to the vicious cycle.  She hurts you and you get her back or the other way around and it just keeps going and going… until you stop playing that game.  There are better games to play than getting entire female race back for the careless actions of one or two girls.  Men and women both are just trying not to get hurt.  When you can see what she is doing you can stop playing into it, while having compassion for her position.  Just stop trying so hard to get her attention, don’t hate her for wanting it.  We are all in the same boat here.

At some point you stop the power struggle and realize that no can take something away from you that you don’t need from them.  If you need anything from anyone, they have power over you.  If you are willing to let go of that thing you think you need, there is no power to be taken from you.  No one can take it if you don’t give it to them.  We are human and if we could do this 100% of the time we wouldn’t be, but it’s a path to start on.

Remember when you start needing anything from a woman you are in trouble.  You can hate her for not giving you what you need or you can take responsibility for taking care of yourself.  If you want her to validate you, validate your self instead.  If you need her to validate you with her attention she can use that against you.  If you don’t need her attention but you would like it that’s a different story.  When I want it to be sunny and it’s not I’m bummed for a few minutes and then I get over it, understanding that there will be many more sunny days in Southern California!

Shout out to my friend and fellow coach Walter Durham and Project North Carolinawood for deepening my understanding of what men are going through, and how all pick-up artists are not bad people.  They gave me the idea for this post. :)  You can find out more about Walter: http://masterpickupartists.com/.

 

 

 

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Manswers: Pretend for just a minute that you’re not only into my vagina

There are a few things that having a one track mind gets you.

1) Dumped.

2) Laid for 1-4 times, then dumped… maybe 5 if you’re really good in the sack.

That is if you can even get the girl in the first place.  There are two main extremes of guys who are only after the pun-tang.

1) The player: the guy who slept with your sister, and her friend, and…your aunt Eileen?!

On one side they are very self expressed about it and they are not afraid to let any girl know that they are on the prowl for one thing.  In fact many times they are proud of their mission to get laid.  And these guys do get laid.  They might not be happy and fulfilled, and neither are the girls they are sleeping with.  Most of the time they do not open themselves up emotionally which makes it difficult to have fulfilling relationships.  These guys don’t usually start searching for something more meaningful until they have a midlife crisis where they realize that all the supermodels they have banged only temporarily fill the void they feel inside.  It takes them a long time to really experience the emptiness they feel because they can easily mask their vacant core with all the ladies coming and going through their revolving door.

Playahood can be a necessary stage…

Sometimes guys need to go through some sort of a player phase like this to realize they want something more.  It’s hard to battle a really high level of testosterone until they have seen the way they feel when their life is run by it.  They eventually realize that they aren’t getting what they want through all the shallow relationships.  What they crave internally is something deeper and more intimate.  This is when the man hangs up his player hat and looks for a more meaningful relationship; and if they are ready for it they start attracting more quality women that they could take home to mama.  This is really an act of self respect because if you are disrespecting women, you know you are showing that same disrespect to yourself.

 2) The creepy guy: the guy who wants it really bad but never gets it…not even Aunt Eileen.

The other type is guys who are ashamed of wanting to get laid and they try to hide their sexual desires and make everyone think they are really nice and sweet.  THEY THINK if girls only knew how much they wanted to get all willy nilly in the bedroom with them, they would never even talk to them!  These creepy guys are resentful and get down on themselves when girls put them in the friend zone and they don’t get any, they are jealous of the guys to just go out and get it.  Many times these guys join the dating community to become sex machines like the more outgoing “player” vagina hunters.  Sometimes they are successful and when these guys become good at taking girls home many times they eventually get depressed because it isn’t what they always fantasized it would be like.  This is baffling and frustrating because even with all this new validation they think they will never be happy.  This is usually when they become pick-up coaches. :) And sometimes at this point they start realizing that they aren’t getting what they really want and they try something new.

Most of my clients are the second type of guy, whether they made it to the community or not they realized that wasn’t the route they wanted to take.  They wanted something fulfilling and real.  I teach them that there is a different way to go about dating where they accept themselves as they are, without trying to put on an act of what they think an attractive man should be.  They stop performing; if people want a performance they will go to a play.  I help my clients  look for relationship instead of self-gratification.  Relationship starts with their relationship with themselves, what they feel internally is what they will manifest in a woman so we go to work on dealing with and erasing negative programs and creating positive ones.

 

The Perfect Mix: guys can respect themselves and women and still get laid?? Manswers asks…

The answer is yes you can.  Some guys naturally have the desire and ability to create deep connections with women.  Of course they get laid in the process but it is not their quest in life.  Because they aren’t attached to getting laid, they find it happening easily.  Every one down deep in their heart of hearts wants to feel close and intimate with the opposite sex, and further have someone more “special” to them than all the others.  I believe this is the number one cause of pain in our culture today.  Men and women want deep connections but many have no idea how to find them.

The people who get it and are able to experience deep connection with others are not afraid to be vulnerable about their pain.  They aren’t ashamed that they are not perfect.  We relate to each other through our imperfection.  They are looking for someone else to share their experiences, hopes, fears, dreams, feelings, passions, etc. with and they are not afraid to put that stuff out there.  Ultimately we all want someone who will know everything about us and like us anyway.  The ones who get this attract the healthiest, quality women into their life… and of course there is plenty of vagina along the way.

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Manswers-Girls: How do I know if a girl is into me?

No this is not that show on Spike called “Manswers: the ultimate survival guide for men” or whatever it is. There is not pictures of big breasted women in cheer leader outfits doing jumping jack challenges or playing pin the tail on the donkey. This is a different type of survival guide.  It’s a guide about understanding women and how you can be more successful with them.  I get a lot of people asking me the very simple question; how do I tell if a girl is into me?

This question has a simple and many not so simple answers. We will start with the basic simple answer because 9 times out of 10 this is going to be pretty accurate.

Simple answer: If she is reciprocating your efforts, she is into you.

It’s that simple.  If you call her and she calls back, you ask her to hang out and she finds time, you lean in to kiss her and she kisses back, then she is obviously digging your program.  There was a book I read a while ago that was aimed at women who end up clinging to guys who aren’t that into them.  Naturally it was called “He’s Not That Into You”.  The book was about how if men are not initiating contact with you then they aren’t THAT interested.  It’s a beautiful book because as women we tend to make up excuses for why men we really like aren’t giving us the level of attention we would like from them.  I’ve seen many men suffer from a similar “excuse making up syndrome”.

The same lesson from “He’s Just Not That Into You” can be applied to men, except men still need to initiate contact to see if the woman reciprocates.  As a man you generally need to throw out the fishing pole to see if you get a bite.  Women generally swim around looking for attractive fishing poles that are being thrown at them and sort through to find which ones they want to bite.  Some have really great bait on them, some are easier to bite on than others, some have no bait but a really nice pole, etc.  There are many different kinds and it just depends on what the particular woman is looking for.  If she isn’t biting then stop casting your pole near her!  She knows it’s there, she sees it and recognizes it as yours, and she is not too busy to pay attention to it. If the right rod was in her swimming hole she would definitely not ignore it.

Recap: Don’t make up excuses for her not reciprocating your efforts.  If she really liked you, she would reciprocate.  Period.  Maybe it’s not a good time right now?  This could be true.  So GIVE HER SOME SPACE and check in again later.

If you never leave, she can’t miss you. She will learn that you are always there and will take you for granted.  You become one of guys that will forever be in the friend zone if you just hang around with your pole out waiting for her all the time.

Some more signs that a girl is attracted to you:… [Continue Reading …]

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Women are people too- simple solution to making connections

Our blood is red, we turn color in the sun, we get nervous, we get jealous, we feel insecure around men who are attracted to. We are human beings just like you. Relating to us is not as difficult as you have been making it out to be. If you can connect with yourself you can connect with us.

The problem with today’s society is that people, especially men, aren’t necessarily taught to connect with themselves. Feeling their emotions is thought of as gay or weak, insert stereotypical judgement here _________. They learn to go into their heads and logically make up reasons for their emotions and figure out all kinds of things that make them feel smart, but don’t actually relate to the feeling itself. Then they wonder why they can’t connect with a woman who is more emotional than logical. They think about feeling, and even make up stories about feeling, but don’t actually feel because that would be uncomfortable and foreign.

Example: In session a client and I were role playing and having a conversation.
I say, “I feel like I get uncomfortable with too much attention. I like a certain amount but to advance in my career I would have to be ok with being in the public eye and having more people see me.” As I’m saying this, I got a little flushed, I looked down, and I got a little uncomfortable. This happened because I was feeling what I was talking about. In other words I was having a direct experience of what I was saying while I was saying it. This is vulnerable and it’s a way of opening up which in turn makes me accessible and real (because EVERYONE deals with the same emotions in different versions). This allows someone to connect with me on a deeper emotional level. This is an important part of feeling attracted to someone.

Client says, “I have a friend who said…. (wasn’t even relevant so I don’t remember). I used to feel uncomfortable, but then…. (some very logical solution to “fix” what I just shared) There was no emotional content in what he said, meaning I didn’t feel anything from what he said. The most enjoyable people to talk to are the ones who experience what they are saying when they say it. You can feel what they are feeling in what they are saying and that’s what makes the story interesting and allows you to connect to them. A list of facts is not memorable or even that interesting but a simple story with real emotional content grabs your attention and keeps it.

Another thing to notice is he didn’t validate my emotional experience or reward me for being open by showing any sort of vulnerability on his side. This makes me want to close down because I don’t want to be the only vulnerable one. If I share something personal it’s a form of investment, if there isn’t a good ROI (return on investment) I’m not going to keep investing. Unless I have some kind of issue, in which case you gotta ask yourself if you want my investment anyway!

What he did is a classic avoidance tactic human beings use: avoid feeling x by creating logical solution that sounds good but that we actually have no experience of.  Bad news is the problem x is still there hiding underneath a very smart solution. This is a whole different blog post. :)

Start to be aware of your experience so you can share it with others, and when you want to share effectively and have an impact, relive it in that moment. This is real and this is something women will not only connect with, but they will remember.

If you can connect with your experience you can connect with ours.

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How to deal with women’s crazy unpredictable emotions

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus… We have all heard it and we know it’s true. Men and women are very different in so many ways, which makes things very interesting. One of the most prominent differences is that women are significantly more emotional than men, but I don’t have to tell you this! You have been dealing with it since you had no idea why you made the girl you had a crush on cry on the playground in 2rd grade, after all you were just teasing her right?!

Women are meant to be appreciated, not understood.

The number one thing to know about women is you can’t understand them. This is because feelings can’t be understood.  We feel things with no idea why we are feeling them!  In fact I’ll let you in on a little secret, most of the time we don’t even understand ourselves (shhhh), so don’t beat yourself up if you don’t follow her iradic emotional trail.  Emotions, can however, be managed and dealt with properly, which will help you learn how to deal with women effectively. To do so, you must give up trying to logically understand them which is probably the biggest mistake I see men in all kinds of relationships make.  I know this is asking a lot of someone who has spent their whole life developing a fantastic logical mind that solves all kinds of complicated deductive reasoning problems and engineering equations that I couldn’t even begin to understand.

When you try to logically understand how a woman is feeling, it feels to her like you are trying to fix her emotional reaction because there is something wrong with it.   It also feels like you are trying to put her in a box so you can understand her and many women want to be free to experience their feelings fully without men caging them in.  Attempting understanding in this way makes her get more upset because when she is having an emotional outburst she wants you to be there for her, not try to fix her.  And yes, there is a big difference.

Just look at how differently a conversation with a man vs. a conversation with a woman would go.  Men deal with other men in a very different way then they should deal with women.  Man to man might be something like, “Hey bro, what’s up?”

“Not much, you?”

“Had to deal with some bullshit today.”

“Oh really?  You good?”

“Ya man, I’m good.”

“Wanna go watch the game?”

“For sure.  Thanks man.”

I’m not even going to write out the same conversation with a female because it would take too long! haha  It would involve her telling you all her feelings about her situation with her mother, roommates, the random guy who bothered her, how her hair was doing on that particular day, etc.!  I read somewhere once a man’s emotional system is like a waffle iron; everything has it’s compartment and it’s pretty easy to keep each compartment separate.  While a woman’s emotional system is like a long string of Christmas lights, if one goes out the whole string stops working until that one is fixed!

Well then, what the hell is a guy to do?!?!

First you want to let her feel what she is feeling and don’t try to explain to her why she shouldn’t feel that way.  If you have tried to do this I can imagine you have stories of how badly it went.  The bottom line is she is feeling what she is feeling and a logical explanation isn’t going to change that.  Listen to what she is saying and let her have her experience.  If she is acting weird you get bonus points if you ask her how she is feeling and you really do want to know.  I know that might be weird because you wouldn’t ask your guy friend how he is feeling, you let him know you are there by asking him to go to the game!  Women might take you changing the subject as you not being interested in her feelings which is almost as bad as you hating her best friend… and it just makes it worse for later.  If several emotional hiccups go by with out her talking about it chances are you will be receiving the feminine version of the wrath of God coming up any time now.  Best way is to deal with it as it comes so it doesn’t build up to a volcanic explosion.

After you have listened with all the authentic interest you can muster, ask her if there is anything you can do to help.  No matter what it’s about, even if it’s you she is mad at!, having a man be ok with your feelings AND wanting to help is amazing.  Many times she will say no, or it will be something so trivial and easy like telling her you care or putting your dirty underwear in the hamper that you could easily take care of it without barely lifting a finger.

Now many times you can lead her to a different, happier emotional place by giving her a heart felt compliment, touching her, make a joke, or offering to do something sweet or even say something sweet or funny.  (As long as it doesn’t feel like you are avoiding the issue without hearing her first, see above paragraphs first.)  Most of the time she is reaching out because she wants to feel loved or appreciated and it doesn’t have very much to do with the “reason” she isn’t feeling that way.  If you can help her feel what she most wants, many times the problem simply goes away with no logical explanation as to why!

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