The Cooperation of the Sexes

In the battle of the sexes no one is safe.  Everyone is on defense.  Whoever wants it more loses and everyone is unhappy.  ‘Love’ becomes a competition and the death of true partnership.

old-manwoman-shadowsA man giving his attention to another woman can lead to his partner to think she needs to change her appearance to be like the model on tv.  A woman being cold in the bedroom can drive her partner right to the car dealership for a brand new ego boost.  They both still love each other very much.

How do we mend this old and tattered relationship model of making war out of love?

We come together in solution and union.  We become interested in how to support the other instead of how to beat them.  We care more about being happy than being right.  This is way more fun and far more fulfilling.

In the age of alternative relationships, independent women and sensitive men, we are moving into a place where it’s ok to have our own unique balance of masculine and feminine energy and style of relating.  More people are becoming aware that they have both male and female energies within, each coming with it’s own unique set of strengths and desires that make up a functional whole.  Dating and relationship coaching, relationship dynamics, and psychology being readily available has begun teaching people they no longer need to see themselves as pieces looking for their other half.

Let’s stop the war and give each other what we need.  Let us first realize what we personally need and learn to give it to ourselves.  Then we are available to receive what we want from a partner.  It’s a movement I’m calling the ‘cooperation of the sexes’.  In the spirit of cooperation let’s talk about relationship dynamics and differences.

Want to make a woman happy? 

Let her know she’s sexy AND that she is beautiful.  Feminine energy wants to be noticed both inside the bedroom and outside.  It likes to feel beautiful, experience pleasure and to be noticed by the masculine.  As a busy man it’s easy to get so caught up in achievement that you forget to appreciate the woman you’re with, and without realizing it you can easily add the insecurity about her own beauty that she may already be placing on herself.

If you feel like your lady is feeling down on herself…

Are you putting conscious attention on appreciating her?

Are you taking a moment to notice what kinds of things make her feel sexy and what kinds of things make her feel loved?

If you don’t know… ASK!

Instead of saying “Why are you boring in the bedroom?”, say “What makes you feel sexy?”

If a woman doesn’t feel special in her relationship and doesn’t know how to communicate that effectively, she looks elsewhere to fill that need.  This doesn’t necessarily mean cheating but it can lead to that.  Many times it just means getting attention.  It can also lead to shutting down sexually or withholding sex.  If she doesn’t learn to feel special and beautiful in herself, no man will ever be able to provide this for her and no amount of adoration will be enough.  Our culture perpetuates this insecurity with celebrity culture, TV, media and beauty products.  It’s time for men and women to come together to dismantle the ‘beauty validation shadow’ that has been created, so that the feminine can reclaim it’s divine essence which is true & innate beauty.

And how do we make a man happy? 

 Tell him he’s the man!  Honor his man hood.  Male energy wants to feel useful.  It likes action and to be of service to the feminine.  Men just want to know what to do to make you happy so they can go do just that.  As a highly capable modern woman it’s easy to unintentionally emasculate a man by being so self-sufficient that he feels unimportant and unnecessary in your life and looks for ways to be of service to the feminine elsewhere.  This makes a woman angry… and the vicious cycle creating the battle of the sexes begins.

 If your man’s attention is waning…

Instead of getting mad and pulling away sexually, ask some questions.

How else can you support him in feeling like your man in the bedroom and in life?

Maybe you could ask him about what makes him feel like the man.

Are you receiving his attempts to honor you?

 Underneath it all men cheat because they are trying to find someone who thinks they are important, somewhere their presence matters.  For many men they don’t feel useful to THEMSELVES so they keep looking for their value in other women, never feeling satisfied.  When he doubts his masculine worth, many times he withholds love.  Ladies, you can help by letting him know he’s valuable and respected, allowing him to carry the suitcase, drive the car, fix the computer, or whatever his way of serving may be.  Most of all men love when you ask them for help and trust them with your vulnerability.

*Sometimes men carry a lot of feminine energy and they frequently display feminine energy’s characteristics and visa versa.  This does not mean anything other than we all have a balance of both male and female energies within us and being a man doesn’t necessarily mean we have mostly male energy.  Wherever your balance sits is perfect for you and there are other people out there whose balance is a great match for yours.

The silent killer of relationships

I’m the master of pretending I don’t need anybody.  I’ve done it so much I unintentionally convinced myself and many of my partners that I don’t need them, that I have it all together, and they need to measure up to my personal standard of perfection.  Naturally, this leads to people feeling like shit.  My personal standard of perfection is terrifying and impossible for anyone to achieve.  The interesting part is this couldn’t be further from the truth about how I actually feel.

I also have insecurity that is covered up by pretending to be confident when I’m not.  What I really want is for someone to see who I really am and still love me.  Bingo.  That is the one thing we all crave.    No one can love us in spite of us if we don’t let them see us.  After becoming aware that my standard of perfection was being held up for my partner, I’ve been making a conscious effort to share my soft spots instead of cover them up, allowing her to love me anyway.  This has brought us much closer and my honesty has allowed her to feel more confident in my presence.  For those who have perfectionistic tendencies like I do, it takes a conscious effort to be vulnerable.  It will mean the world to your partner and to your relationship.

In the battle of the sexes women and men are different

Sometimes with opposing needs and desires

But in the cooperation of the sexes we see the other as a mirror

Teaching us about our own male and female energy

Learning to interact with our partner is learning to interact with ourself

Finding balance in our relationship is finding balance within ourself

Our partner is showing us what we need work on

When we see it this way, we stop blaming them for not giving us what we need

We begin giving ourselves what we need

If we do this internally and they are not an external match for it, they will either step up or step out

Making space for someone who is a match

The divine marriage emerges from inside

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Make Your Fantasy a Reality on Valentine’s Day

Don’t have a date on Valentine’s Day? Let the dating coach help… It’s definitely not because there are a lack of women who want dates on Valentine’s Day!  Chances are it’s because you need it too much. When we desire something it becomes a fantasy and fantasies are fictional stories that never actually happen. We get stuck in the wanting of it and lose sight of having our desires come to fruition. The paradox is that actually getting what we truly want can be disappointing because it’s the death of the fantasy. We develop a close bond with our deepest fantasies and letting go of them can be a dislocating and uncomfortable experience. Part of the reason change is so difficult is you must dislocate yourself from your current state and sever the fantasy strings.  It’s much like uprooting a plant, the longer it has been there the harder it is to get all the roots.  Fantasy locks in our old behavior patterns and limits us to remain in our current set of beliefs and patterns.  It hides the very actions that could change everything from your view and tricks you into thinking you’re already on your way.  How the hell do I let go of these fantasies you say!?

The dating coach’s guide to getting a girlfriend:

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Step 1: Acknowledging your starting point. Simply take stock of where you are.

Example: I don’t have a girlfriend and I’m not dating anyone.

Step 2: Asking yourself what fantasies are in place that are giving you a false sense of hope and holding you back simultaneously?

Example: One day a gorgeous Victoria’s Secret model will walk up to me in a bar, beg me to take her home and fall madly in love with me because I’m such a rockstar in the sack and we will have a four sum with Scarlete Johansson and Kate Upton and live in sexual ecstasy for all of our days.  

Ok, so that might be a little extreme, but our fantasies can be too!  Sometimes they are smaller like when we say “I’m going to start my daily workout routein tomorrow” and then we never do.  Holding on to that ‘tomorrow’ gives us a false sense of hope that we are going to do something about it rather than taking action in the present.  Tomorrow never comes…

Step 3: Feeling and integrating the emotional content that is underneath the fantasy.  This is what the fantasy is covering up.  Once it has moved through you and been released you can easily make a new choice and move forward!

Example: I feel lonely and powerless.

Step 4: The zinger.   Yep, those were the easy ones. :)  Taking responsibility for choosing to feel lonely and powerless and recognizing that it has nothing to do with your dating life, but rather that you are using that circumstance to feel lonely and powerless.  Facing this inner truth can feel gross inside, but ultimately when we take responsibility for our life we have the power to change it, otherwise we remain a victim to our outside world with no option of being anything other than a victim.

Even though consciously you may know the likelihood of your fantasy happening is pretty slim, it still gives you a place to hide out, while not actually making choices that shape your reality.  And think about it, who can actually live up to your fantasy???  No one can because it only exists in your mind!  Choose to have something real and tangible and experience in your body what it would be like to have it right now in this moment.  Choose someone who loves you for you… someone with whome  you can share laughter and joy… that you’re wildly attracted to… who is down to earth enough to be your best friend… whatever it is you want.  Rather than focusing on the specifics of who and what, create what it feels like and be open to it looking different than what you might have expected.

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Choices happen, desires don’t.

Taking action moves you forward, hoping doesn’t.

Stop fantasizing about Kate Upton and choose to meet someone amazing.

Feel free to ask the dating coach any other questions you might have about making your fantasies a reality.

Jamie@TheMysteryKey.com

 

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Misery is a product of your own imagination.

Misery is a choice; it’s not even our natural state.  We have to work really hard at it!  But once we latch onto it, letting go can be quite difficult, like a baby on it’s mama’s teet.  We come from a source of infinite love and joy and that is our natural state. Our bodies start to break down when we leave that place consistently for long periods of time.  This is the root cause of much of the illness and disease our culture experiences today.

We are all born happy. This misery stuff is bull shit.  It’s a blatant choice to stick up your middle finger to your own natural way of being.  It’s leaving your hammock on the most beautiful white sandy beach in the Carribean, where you were getting a coconut oil massage from the sexiest person alive, and sipping an orgasmic fruity umbrella drink, for a nude dive with Gary Busey and Roseanne Barr in the sewer underneath Riverside, CA.

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Would you wish that upon anyone??  This is what you’re doing to yourself.  No one made you leave the beach, that was your choice.  You say, “I was fine and then I lost my job/wife/mojo/leg.”  If you lose your happiness BECAUSE of something outside yourself, your happiness is circumstantial and conditional; you can only be happy if particular planets are in alignment.  When things don’t go the way you want them to, you can have whatever reaction you need to, and simply move on or find the lesson and make the best of it.  That’s what happy people do.  Shit happens, and they go back to the beach.  They don’t swim in the sewer.

When you feel miserable you will defend that misery at all costs because you feel like you would only be this way for good reason, and if you are consistently miserable for a period of time it becomes a comfortable, addictive state. You can actually be addicted to suffering! When you’re running the suffering addiction pattern, someone who is happy is a threat to your misery.  So a miserable person will seek out other people, circumstances, and life events to perpetuate that feeling.  They are dwelling in the problems they have created for themselves and they want someone to join, because on some level they know this state of mind is their choice and they need agreement to make it ok to be choosing misery. They don’t have to be accountable to STOP suffering if the people around them are suffering too. This is why people say misery loves company.

When you are not happy and you want to be in a happy relationship you are putting an impossible expectation on your partner.  They are sure to fail, which will continue the vicious cycle of suffering.  Only you can choose to be happy, and you sure as hell can’t make someone else be happy either.  You can only be responsible for your self and let everyone else be responsible for themselves. WE ARE ALL 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN EXPERIENCE OF LIFE NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

We always have exactly what we want in life.  If bad things keep happening to you, there is a part of you that wants those things to happen, maybe there is something you need to learn that would end the cycle. Rather than pointing the finger at something outside of yourself for ‘making’ you miserable, own that shit. Adopt of mindset of responsibility and point that finger at yourself. “I’m choosing to make myself miserable about this.”  It kills the excuse of being a victim of an outside circumstance, you get to take back your power and, eloquently speaking, make that circumstance your bitch.  How silly is it to let yourself be miserable because someone cut you off in traffic, dumped you, or even if you get a terminal illness?  Why willingly give your power over to that life challenge?  Does that create a solution or just perpetuate the problem?  No matter what happens the only thing you have control over is the way you react.

There are so many inspiring stories of people who made the best out of getting cancer or loosing a limb. They find a way to accept their circumstances and in many cases they come out a happier person after what could have been a devastating life event.  Let people like this be an inspiration and don’t let anything or anyone take you from your white sandy beach.

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Relationship advice: Finding a happy relationship

I talk to clients of mine who come to me for relationship coaching and many of them are frustrated with their dating lives and who they are attracting.

For a very long time I was primarily a dating coach because I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I most wanted to hang out and have fun, doing as I please with no one to answer to. I thought this was better than being in a relationship because I had never had a great relationship. I looked around and saw that most people, including me, have crappy romantic relationships. Most people aren’t happy with their significant others, re: the divorce rate and cheating couples. As a whole people have settled for mediocre relationships. I just said relationships like 6 times. But that’s how much I love relationships! Never thought I’d say that. Now I’m transitioning from dating coaching to relationship coaching. Helping people find a rewarding relationship is the most rewarding thing I can do.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half and it’s been great. Once I realized I actually wanted a relationship I also realized I had a lot of issues around having one in real life. I felt like boyfriend meant someone got to tell me what to do, and that I couldn’t hang out with my friends. I was afraid I would have to hang out with him all the time and I would never have alone time again. What if he cheats or we have nothing in common? (the “what if’s” haunted me at night) I was afraid I would get bored and annoyed, like usually do, after a couple months. It’s no wonder I didn’t have a relationship! That sounds terrible!

I redefined what I wanted in a boyfriend. I even stopped using the word “boyfriend” because it had become such a negative word to me. I created what I wanted in a man and I was really specific about it. I wanted someone I could joke around and play with, someone who is as weird as I am, that I can share that side of me that I don’t let out in public places. Someone who knows everything about me and loves me anyway, in fact he loves me more for not being the image of perfection I think I should be. He loves my flaws. Someone who has a desire at the core of their being to grow and change and explore new parts of themselves and of life. We can grow together and support each other in moving forward. I could go on and on, but this is the kind of detail you must use to create what you want.

Then you have to FEEL those things happening right now. I felt what it feels like to be laughing uncontrollably about something that makes no sense to anyone else because it’s ours, it’s our joke and we are the only ones who get it or even care to. I felt cherished and content and loved and happy. All of this from a boyfriend?? Who would have thought!? :)

When you can feel what you want and you can feel it right now in this moment you are operating at the same vibration as what you want. You are always attracting into your life everything that is vibrating on the same level that you are. If you are trying desperately to find someone and you are not having any luck, it’s time to focus inward and see if you are yearning for someone to make you feel a certain way. This only invites more things to make you yearn. When you are happy you will find someone who adds to that.

After doing this work and living in the loved and happy fun place for a few days I met my boyfriend at a very unlikely place. We knew immediately. (They always say “you just know”. I didn’t know what that meant until I met him and I just knew.) We didn’t have to try that hard or force anything, it just flowed very naturally. If you are trying to force a square peg into a round hole, it’s not the right hole…no pun intended.

When you are ready, they will show up. When it’s right, it will be easy. If this isn’t the case, it’s time to take a look inside yourself at how you are feeling and take responsibility for what you are attracting. That is the simplest but best relationship advice I can give.

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It all starts with the person in the mirror

We live in a culture of ambiguous lines and overwhelmingly large grey areas. People show up when they want, change plans, and never really say no to anything out of fear of either missing out because they let the opportunity pass by or hurting someone’s feelings in the process.  We don’t want admit weakness because we want to be perfect.  We don’t want to see our limitations because we would rather live in a fantasy world where we don’t have any.

Understanding and embracing our limitations and weaknesses seems to us like it would be limiting. Naturally. It’s not though. It opens and frees us up to where we are and where we can go. Many times we are not present to where we are as a starting point and therefore we have unrealistic expectations about where we can go. We end up living in a fantasy, thinking that one day we will magically end up at point B, without ever really knowing where our point A is. Truth is, it’s hard to create a clear vision of a destination when you are not honest about where you are starting from.

We think we are always just a couple steps away. If _____ (insert outside circumstance here) would just change I would have what I want. We are living in a fantasy that promises we will get there soon, but the fantasy never takes us there because it is a FANTASY. Definition of fantasy: the process of creating unrealistic or improbable in response to a psychological need. If you want to find a quality girlfriend and you haven’t dated anyone in a couple years, thinking that you can meet one this week might be a fantasy because unless you clear what has been in your way the last couple years.  If we are choosing to have something it’s real because a choice occurs in reality.  If we are wanting something because we don’t have it and we think we need it it’s a fantasy.

We won’t learn the things necessary to improve on our weaknesses if we can’t admit we have any. If you are anything like me, you like to be superman/woman and have no weakness or fear! YEA RIGHT. We are kidding ourselves. When we can be aware and accepting of our weaknesses and limitations we can accept new information that can support us in moving toward where we are going. If we aren’t honest with ourselves about where we lack we will deny the very thing that could help us because we don’t think we need it! This is a form of self sabotage and can end up being quite self destructive if done over a long period of time.  It stops our growth because we can’t learn something we think we already know.

If we have clear boundaries we can say no to certain things we don’t want which opens up space for the things we do want to come in. Many times we hold on to the things we don’t want in desperation because we want to have something to hold on to!

Perfect example that has all these elements in it happened to me recently. I was dating someone who I had created to be a fantasy. I filled in the holes (things that didn’t work for me about him) with my imagination and created the perfect Mr. Right Now in my fantastical brain.  At first when I realized what was going on, I was afraid to say be honest because I didn’t want to experience the discomfort of the situation that might have been created from being completely authentic about where I was at. Eventually, the fantasy shattered and I realized it wasn’t him I was dealing with; it was my made up, idealized version of him.  I let go of that fantasy, and while this guy is a great guy and would be attractive to many women, it became clear that the relationship should come to an end. Once I set a boundary and let go of the the relationship, it opened me up emotionally and energetically to the world.  Immediately new opportunities that I was not aware of before showed their faces and I realized how many options I had that I was hiding from myself because I was holding on to a fantasy.

 

 

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The hidden secret to changing quickly

If it feels so bad when I do it, why do I keep doing it?  We all have things we do that make us feel horrible, yet we keep on doing them.  Think of your habits and patterns that you do with women that are not serving you.  You might have a habit of checking out or doing the same goofy behavior that no one likes or talking too much out of nervousness.  You know these things don't work but you don't know why on earth you keep doing something that doesn't work!  Today I discovered one of these patterns of mine and have some insights to share.

 

I'm one of those blessed people who can eat a lot and not get fat.  Call it good genes, attribute it to exercise habits, or simply call it a choice, either way I generally stay the same no matter what I eat.  This aside, I have noticed sometimes I eat when I'm not hungry or when I'm stressed out or for no other particular reason other then I think will make me feel better then I'm currently feeling.  When I do this, it only feels good for a few minutes and then I feel bloated and sick.  Then I start wondering why I did such a thing, which quickly turns into negative thoughts about my body, which turns into feelings of guilt and disgust for myself and my eating habits.  This turns into a typical shampoo bottle instruction: wash, lather, rinse, repeat.  Except mine is zone out, eat, feel bad, repeat.  It doesn't matter if I've eaten egg white omletes and broccoli for the last week, I feel like a fat person when I do the zone out and eat pattern.  

 

The only way I discovered this was by watching the process.  One must slow down the automatic unconscious mechanisms enough to see what was really going on.  There is always a lot going on if we can become conscious of ourselves.  This is the first step to stopping the pattern and many people are aware of this to some extent.  It's easy to get the concept, but it takes diligence to do it in reality.

 

The next step is frequently missed.  You must feel the feelings associated with the negative pattern you are running on yourself.  You must feel.  You must feel.  You must feel.  I'll say that again.  You must feel.  The only reason why we don't stop doing something that makes us feel bad is we is we haven't associated the bad feelings with the pattern.  We don't realize we are actually hurting ourselves with the behavior we are doing.  Most of the time if we do feel the feelings, and many people don't all at, we "feel them" after the fact.  It's our interpretation of the feelings at this point.  Not even the real feelings anymore!  We are thinking about a story about the feelings we felt.

 

I saw myself run through a nicely configured series of steps I was no stranger to in the eating experience.  When I was at the really full point where I really didn't want to eat anymore, I zoned back in and realized I felt sick, guilty and disgusted about eating all that.  I abruptly stopped because it didn't feel good anymore.  Normally at this point I would throw the rest of the food away and get down on myself for a few minutes, and then forget about it.  This doesn't stop the pattern because I NEVER ACTUALLY FELT the feelings of disgust and guilt for eating so much.  This time I did something different.  I went into my body and I took three more bites feeling those gross, uncomfortable feelings the whole time.  For the first time my mind and body made the connection between feeling bad and over eating.  In a way I admitted to myself and accepted that this was what I was doing.  It seemed like such a silly thing to do and I wondered why I had never realized this before.  Apparently I hadn't seen this because I wasn't ready to stop it yet.

 

The zoning out is a big piece to be aware of because it's what stops us from feeling and and keeps us blind from what is really going on.  When we go up in our head, it's almost like going to Vegas.  People alway say "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." because they don't want to deal with what they did in Vegas when they get home. This is "What happens in your head stays in your head."  Because you don't want to feel/deal with what you just did and felt, it never gets integrated into your experience.  Even when we think we are feeling the feelings later, maybe even dramatizing them and beating ourselves up, we are only thinking we are feeling.  It's the memory of a feeling.  The feelings and the pattern remain separate.  I ate too much and I feel bad are not husband and wife like they ought to be, they live in your head as mere acquaintances.

 

Human beings move away from pain and generally try to avoid it.  When one feels the pain of a behavior in the core of their being and sees the connection of that pain to their behavior they have just seen the beginning of the end!  Sometimes we have to be conscious and feel several times to undo the pattern we have created, but it's like riding a bike for the first time.  Once you do it, you always know how to do it, and you have just begun the beautiful process of change.

 

 

Jamie Thompson

Female Dating Coach

Specializing in giving men dating tips and real life solutions about how to approach women effectively, overcoming approach anxiety, and gaining confidence around women they are attracted to.  For more information on how you can get started with coaching email Jamie@themysterykey.com.

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If you have to “escape” your life you aren’t doing it right

Something I have noticed lately is how many people don't enjoy their lives. 

 

Many of us hear over and over from our parents, culture, teachers, family, etc. how we should live and what we need to do to be "successful" in life.  We are led to believe that we need to grow up, go to a good college, get a good career, buy a house, get married, and have kids and grand kids.  

 

For many people the joy in life goes away in this process as they are going through the motions and not truly living the life that they want to live.  They are merely surviving.  You can see this on people's faces as the go through life, without any real joy or purpose, just getting by till the next vacation when they can escape for a few days of bliss.  Just to come back to the life they don't really like.

 

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY!

 

It wasn't for me, and it doesn't have to be for you.  We all can chose the life we want to live and do the things we want to do.  The only person that can truly get in our way is us.

 

I've heard it said "If everyone quit their job tomorrow and just did what they loved, the world would still work."  We all have different talents and purposes that want to come through us and out of us in our lives.  There is something unique that each one of us has to offer the planet.

 

What would you do if you could do anything you wanted?  What would you do if money was no issue?   What kind of person would you be?  What would every day of your life look like?

 

We can choose to be happy in any moment… we can embrace the happiness, the sadness, the discomfort, the pain, the love… ALL OF IT.

 

Have you ever been around someone who was happy with their life?  You just want to be around them.  They make you feel good and inspired to get up and do something.  

 

NOTHING IS A SUBSTITUTE FOR LIVING THE LIFE YOU LOVE.

 

No mystery pick-up line or technique can make you happy or make women want to be around you.  People can see through that stuff, if not right away then they will eventually.

 

Some people are just never satisfied, nothing is ever good enough, and there is always "somewhere" else they could be or "someone" else they could be with that would make them happy.  

 

I lived much of my life like this.  Always thinking I needed to be or do something else to be happy and content with my life.  I had a good life by anyone's standards but I didn't love my life and I didn't love myself.  I was waiting for it to start someday when everything was perfect.  One day I realized someday wasn't coming.  This was a moment that changed my life.  I realized that I could have, do, or be anyone I wanted to be.  I started taking actions to create the life I wanted, in the meantime I began to accept where I was at and love myself even though I might not be where I want to be.  

 

The impact this had was amazing.  People all around me became interested in what I was doing… men and women alike were more attracted to me in general…things started falling into place,,, they started going my way… People and opportunities started to come out of nowhere… I felt healthier and my body even started to change in a positive way.  All from loving myself and where I was at in my process.

 

Stop surviving and begin living.  It's waaaay more fun.

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