How to not be taken advantage of by women.

I recently heard someone say the first cue that a woman is trying to take advantage of you is that she has breasts.  There is some truth to that statement.  One of the ways women find their power when they think they have none is through manipulating men. Every girl gets her heart broken and ego demolished at some point, it’s like a rite of passage into woman hood.

For me, I was 17.  Just moved in with my first boyfriend whome I was head over heels in love with.  I got in a car accident at like 2 am up some crazy mountain road and I needed someone to come pick me up.  I call and call but he doesn’t answer.  I have a weird feeling in my stomach because I have my mother’s intuition and I can sense when something is wrong.  Finally, one of my friends drove an hour to come get me and took me back to our  apartment where much to my dismay, he wasn’t there.  I knew what was happening but I didn’t believe it.  Later on, I ended up finding out that he had been cheating on me with a friend of mine for about 6 months.  I was devastated and more than anything I felt stupid because I cared for him so much.  He begged me to take him back and I did…but I was never the same to him again.  In the back of my mind I knew that I was going to teach him a lesson; Miss Jamie wanted her power back.  I noticed that when I was withholding my attention from him inadvertantly because my feelings were hurt, he was making up the difference and paying more attention to me in turn.  I knew that it was becoming more and more over for me, but I let him continue to do this because I didn’t to give him the chance to hurt me like that ever again.  He damn near went crazy trying to make it like it used to be.  One day I ended it because he was so paranoid about me cheating (never did happen) and I became unattracted to him.

I learned a few lessons about relationships:

1) I can use withholding my attention to gain power if I feel like it’s lacking.

2) Men will break my heart if I let them have the power.

Every woman out there has some story, some moment where she felt used, stupid, unloved, or betrayed by a man she was in love with who she thought would never do such a thing to her.  They want to get back Johnny Heartberaker and the male race for breaking their heart when they were a teenager.  So women learn to withhold sex and attention from men and use them as weapons of mass destruction to the male ego.  Men play into the game by trying to get what they think they need from women.  They spend countless hours in the gym and going out hitting on girls trying desperatly to be cooler and more attractive so the ladies will give them the sex and attention they so desire.

Are women just compulsively seeking control? (One lovely fellow asks)

It depends, for some it’s to protect themselves from being humped and dumped by someone they really care about, and some women get obsessed with this.  What starts off as an intention to protect herself from being hurt like she was in the past can turn into a compulsive control strategy.  Power is like a drug, some people do it a few times and realize it’s not for them and others become crack heads living on the street, robbing their mother to get their next fix.  So for some girls the club is their crack pipe and men are the rock.  Turning men who want them down becomes a sport, and even an addictive behavior.  Women will go as far as dangling the promise of her sexuality in front of his face while men take them on vacations and extravagant dinners without ever planning on giving it to them.  I’d be lying if I said I haven’t ever done that… and gained a temporary satisfaction from it.  Some women, and this happened for me, feel empty inside.  Then we do to emotional rehab and stop trying to use men for our own temporary false gratification.  I have and I know other women who have turned down free stuff, money, vacations, expensive dinners, and jewelry; sometimes even free drinks, when they could have easily taken these things because they didn’t want to lead a guy on.  That is being responsible with their power.

To those who already hate women and are looking for one more reason to continue doing so: Don’t take the truth I’m telling and go on a woman hating rampage trying to get them back, because you are adding to the vicious cycle.  She hurts you and you get her back or the other way around and it just keeps going and going… until you stop playing that game.  There are better games to play than getting entire female race back for the careless actions of one or two girls.  Men and women both are just trying not to get hurt.  When you can see what she is doing you can stop playing into it, while having compassion for her position.  Just stop trying so hard to get her attention, don’t hate her for wanting it.  We are all in the same boat here.

At some point you stop the power struggle and realize that no can take something away from you that you don’t need from them.  If you need anything from anyone, they have power over you.  If you are willing to let go of that thing you think you need, there is no power to be taken from you.  No one can take it if you don’t give it to them.  We are human and if we could do this 100% of the time we wouldn’t be, but it’s a path to start on.

Remember when you start needing anything from a woman you are in trouble.  You can hate her for not giving you what you need or you can take responsibility for taking care of yourself.  If you want her to validate you, validate your self instead.  If you need her to validate you with her attention she can use that against you.  If you don’t need her attention but you would like it that’s a different story.  When I want it to be sunny and it’s not I’m bummed for a few minutes and then I get over it, understanding that there will be many more sunny days in Southern California!

Shout out to my friend and fellow coach Walter Durham and Project North Carolinawood for deepening my understanding of what men are going through, and how all pick-up artists are not bad people.  They gave me the idea for this post. :)  You can find out more about Walter: http://masterpickupartists.com/.

 

 

 

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The Dating Community and Jamie Thompson: Los Angeles Dating Coach

This is an article one of my clients wrote.  It paints a picture of one man’s journey through the community and eventually my coaching process.  Enjoy! :)
I remember going through a very interesting stage in my life a few years ago. I was a full-fledged Community junky. On my lunch break, I would take advantage of the perfect California weather and approach women in Ralph’s, Whole Foods, you name it, and come back with all sorts of stories. I thought it was way cooler than the guys who would mostly just eat lunch either at their desk or with each other. I had only two problems: One, I had a tough time getting the girls I talked with, to meet up with me again. And two, the women in my own office seemed to really distrust me.
the guys in my office: Most of them were in relationships. I was single.
It was weird. When before I found The Community, I wondered why jerks got laid and I did not. After I found The Community, I wondered why Average Frustrated Chumps got laid and I did not.  (Average Frustrated Chump (AFC) is a term that Community guys use to describe the supposedly unenlightened guys not in The Community.) I came to see that the problem is with The Community itself. Guys are headed down paths that are not helping them. These are the three that, as I see it, are the most destructive.
1. Looking down on Mainstream Society and picking up habits that make you look weird. Everyone in The Community talks about how inept the average guy is with women. Actually, the average guy is decent. Not great, but decent. The average guy has a basic grasp on flirting, “making a move” physically, and chivalry. He can’t approach in the grocery store, but he sometimes can in bars, and eventually he is able to get a woman in his social circle to feel attraction and fall in love with him. The proof is out there–the planet has 6 billion people, and to the best of my knowledge, they aint here due to Immaculate Conception.
In fact, I would say that the average Community guy is *less* proficient with women than the average `Mainstream” guy. In the Mainstream, having sex isn’t that uncommon. In The Community, it gives you enough credibility to write an e-book and sell it for 39.95. Combine this with the fact that many guys in The Community hold a lot of disdain for Mainstream
society’s ways, and it becomes awfully easy for a guy coming in, to fall into ways of behaving that come across weird.
I’ll give you an example from my own life. Walking up cold to a woman whom you really want to meet, is a noble concept. Few people can do this, and not too many guys will even try, at least outside of a bar. Approaching a girl when you just have to is very powerful. The problem comes when we take this idea to extremes. Approaching every cute girl in sight is just weird and a little creepy, especially if you can’t read social situations and realize when you’d only be interrupting or embarrassing her.
I myself used to spend every lunch hour approaching women–the supermarket, Peet’s Coffee, you name it. I was pretty proud of my efforts and how this separated me from every other guy in the office. Well maybe they did, but the women in my office in particular didn’t seem impressed with me. Maybe they saw my behavior for what it was–validation-seeking to an unhealthful level. And seeing how few of the women I approached followed up with me, perhaps they saw it that way too. Meeting women had become my main aim, and Jamie helped me see that this was repulsive to the type of girl I was looking to meet, and that I would *not* get closer to my goals by doing more approaches.
It’s easy for a guy in The Community to come across as weird for another reason too. The Community’s focus is on trying to boil down human interactions to a method and formula. Routines and algorithms–when girl says x, you say y. This does make some sense–guys who are looking to get better and who are analytical find it easy to focus on specifics, and there is a learnable structure to solid social skills. However, what often happens is that guys in The Community are always so focused on saying the right thing that they come across as either stilted and in their heads (worst case), or too smooth and fake (best case) or somewhere in between. Either way the girl senses something is off and won’t follow through because she doesn’t trust the guy.  It’s amazing how although some things change, some things remain the same. Community guys are a lot like “nice guys” in that they are always in their heads, trying to be quote perfect-unquote in a sense.
However, Jamie lead me to understand the following in our work together: Many many a woman is with a guy who made all sorts of what The Community considers unrecoverable mistakes. The guy she is with isn’t necessarily that good-looking, smooth, and he often doesn’t even have what the Community calls “rock-solid inner-game”.  True, this guy is usually someone whom she works with or someone in her social circle. This is what is happening though: either by luck or accident, immediately or over time, she felt the guy’s masculinity or emotionally connected with the guy. That’s not to say that the woman necessarily chose wisely, or even that the guy she is with is good at meeting women. It is to say that imperfect real will win over perfect fake in the long run.
2. Becoming a Douche-bag. Yes, this is part of 1. just above, but I felt it deserved its own section. Everyone accuses the Community as being full of misogyny–hatred of women. Instead, I would actually say that The Community is really full of misandry–hatred of men. Women might indeed be objectified, but men–the 99 percent of them outside The Community anyway–are often put down.
Think of how most companies do their marketing. Usually it is about putting down average guys and getting an insurmountable advantage over them. I realize that we are hardwired to respond to this type of marketing due to our competitive instincts. Think of what it leads to though. Yes, a lot of guys who join The Community stop hanging out with other guys (or I should instead say, they never started in the first place) to focus on meeting women. An afternoon spent playing softball or basketball or just watching the game with other guys is considered a waste of time compared to prowling the local mall to approach women. Even worse, guys who join The Community start looking down on other guys and their ways, and instead focus on trying to outslick these guys to get their girls. They become the male equivalent of catty–their interactions with other men are all about getting an advantage over them when it comes to attracting the women.
It’s as if they are trying to cover their lack of male initiation with a bunch of techniques designed to win women. They actually instead become guys that other people (especially women) don’t really trust. I realize that it isn’t marketable to tell a guy that he needs to do what it takes for him to become comfortable in the presence of other men, but that might be precisely what he needs.
There is also something else going on that is a little more subtle. Many of us in The Community become takers in a sense. We spend a lot of energy, frankly, trying to get good at getting something from complete strangers who have something to give (i.e., attractive women). I did this when I was doing all those approaches. I had stopped growing really, and I had become pretty superficial.
3. Not getting the right things to work on. Well what are the right things to work on? Mainly getting comfortable in your own skin–not just in social interactions with women you might want to date, but also in interactions *with other men*, and in situations in life. The ability to straddle that fine line between being bold and respectful. Going for what we want unapologetically on the one hand, while on the other hand being able to read another person and being respectful of social situations.
The ability to build and maintain sexual tension. The ability to flirt, which is really about lightly making fun of a woman about something she said. A “nice guy” pretty much stays on the topic of conversation with the girl, and we all know where that leads–a nice logical friendly interaction. A guy who is good with women often breaks off the logical thread of conversation to tease and/or compliment her in this regard.
As for myself and my own growth, the work Jamie and I did together was crucial. Her coaching made me aware of the jumpy nervous energy I was projecting, and of the little gestures and tics that were conveying that. In fact, I discovered in our work together that I had layers of behaviors and mannerisms in this regard that I wasn’t even aware of in the first place, layers that were making me come across as fake and that were turning people away. We worked on peeling these away. Learning more techniques actually would have only hurt me at the time. I also had to take a look at the rest of my life and whether I was excited about it, and make the necessary changes. I had to look inward at my own aim.
Meanwhile, I wish you success on your own journey…
-Mike
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Dating Coach Los Angeles

People are always asking me to explain what I do.  It’s funny, because I understand what I do to the core of my being, and at the same time, explaining it has always been interesting.  In this entry I outline some differences between myself and the pick up community and I tell the truth about what I’ve seen.  You will see what I don’t do so that you can have a clear understanding of what I do do. Confused? :) The first step is don’t think about it too much.  In every client I’ve seen in the last 4 years, the process to becoming successful with women involves stopping the obsessive addiction to over thinking.

Some of you may be aware of the pick-up/dating & seduction community.  They teach everything from routines to mind tricks that can help you get phone numbers and plenty of action from the ladies, some companies even brag about guaranteed same night lays.  Some people find this to be very effective and for others it doesn’t work at all; for everyone they are left unfulfilled and lacking the true inner confidence and self-esteem needed to create long lasting relationships.  Women become  like a drug they need to get validation that ideally comes from within themselves.  When they get the drug they become excited and want more… this is the beginning of the end.  The inflated positive mental states are built on confidence borrowed from others and are not sustainable over time.

This is not meant to put down the pick up industry, and sometimes the truth is best understood when brutally stated.  Everything has it’s place and most things can work and have worked for people in the past. (If you believe that standing on your head for 5 minutes a day will help you get laid, even that could work.)  I’m sharing with you what I have seen directly through clients who have come to me after taking pick-up boot camps, reading endless pick up e-books, coaching with guru’s and of course my own direct experience with the industry, material, and the PUA’s I have met in it.

What the pick-up community is good for is learning what they call “Outer game” techniques that give you “borrowed confidence” from using field tested lines and games.  If you want instant gratification and to raise your numbers in the bedroom this is made for that.  There is no shame in wanting casual sex and wanting it now.  This can be a valuable and sometimes necessary stepping stone for many guys out there.

Some of the community is inching toward making an inner-game shift, but  the foundation is still based on manipulation.  While there are good coaches and programs out there, it will take something radical for the community to get to a place of teaching sustainable, authentic confidence that comes from the core of a man’s being.

Many of the client’s I have had came from somewhere in or at least heard of the pick-up artist community.  There is usually a mental exorcism process to undo much of the training they have had that made sense in their head in the form of concepts and ideas but never made it into their experience of themselves.  For example: A man learns black and white rules for when to touch a girl.  Then gets to the bedroom and has no idea how to be with a woman because he never touched her from his true masculine sexual desire.  There is not an actual connection with her sexually because it was like a robot doing what it’s programing told it to do.  This happens in many areas of the dating process in different ways.

The men learn from the community how to fake things from an egoic place to acheive self gratification.  They don’t get to have direct experience because they are doing “ego mimicry” of the real thing whether it be confidence, masculinity, or social calibration skills.  Ego mimicry is the mind’s way of copying the real deal, creating a replication of the real thing.  To an emotionally aware woman, it’s just a little bit off.   I heard someone say they felt like they went from being a scripted performer (doing scripted routines) to an improv performer (running mostly un-scripted tapes) but they still feel like a performer, like they were missing something.  That something is their true self.  The place where the agendas go away, thinking stops and you are simply present in the moment.  It’s the place where you are good enough with or without a woman.

If you haven’t figured this out by now, I am not a pick-up artist or pick-up coach.  I don’t even teach “inner-game” by the community’s standards.  What I teach deals with something different.  When the community says inner game they are still talking about the mind and the logical, linear learning process you go through in school.  What I do doesn’t involve the mind.  In fact the more you can set your mind aside the more you can access your core intelligence, true confidence and inner peace.  The mind, of course, thinks this is crazy because it’s ego protection thinks it is better then God and doesn’t trust anything but itself.  Your mind doesn’t trust your body.  Sometimes the process of truly changing belief systems and unwanted negative patterns can be disorienting for people because the mind had nothing to do with it!… [Continue Reading …]

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Always knowing what to say makes you a weird social robot

I see many men with unrealistic expectations come to me and say they want to always know what to say in social situations.  They see other men out there who are charismatic and naturally good socially and they make assumptions that they always know what to say and what to do in interactions with women.  Or worse, they read pick-up community material that leads them to think it’s possible to ALWAYS know exactly what to say and still be normal.  This is crazy talk.

The funny thing about this is NO ONE knows what to say all the time!  I don’t know what to say all the time and neither does any guru out there.  Everyone makes things up on the spot and many times it’s the best material!  If you meet someone who knows exactly what to say all the time, I can promise you they come across as a little strange because there are no two social situations that are exactly the same.  What you said yesterday when a woman said “Hello.” might be different then what you say today.  When you cling to what you said yesterday you are limiting yourself to things you already know, instead of being open to learning new things.

I’ve talked to “reformed pick-up artists” in the community who have said that they had hours upon hours of routines memorized when they were studying Mystery Method or some other routine based methods out there.  If it worked for a few minutes, very quickly after meeting someone it would run out.  Women are not like computer programs.  They are not 100% predictable, and it would be a little boring if they were.  Many pick-up artists I have talked to say that they become bored and unfulfilled with “gaming” girls all the time.  This is because there is no connection when they are so consumed with the agenda of getting something from someone, whether it be a phone number, a second date, or sex.  The pick-up artist (if he is a good one by pick-up community terms) ends of having very little investment in a woman, which means he doesn’t care about her that much.  This can be helpful for trying to rack up numbers, but it’s not supportive of actually having mutually enjoyable interactions with other human beings.

I’ve also spoken with the natural men of the world who have an uncanny social ability and appear suave with how to approach women.  Guess what they say?  They have no idea what they are going to say to a woman if they see one walking around the corner.  But when she walks around the corner they come up with something.  They have an idea of what works or a place to come from when talking to a new woman, but the words aren’t stored up and ready in their head the way some guys think they are.  Sometimes it comes easily then others and sometimes they even get a little nervous around a beautiful woman.  JUST. LIKE. YOU.  What makes them good with women is they don’t judge the natural human reactions that everyone gets like having a little anxiety or being at a loss for words.  They just go with it!

In fact one time I had a slightly above average looking man I was standing next to say casually “I’m at a loss for words…” I said, “Umm… about what?” He said, “You know what.” in a direct and flirty tone.  I blushed and said, “Well thank you,,, I think.”  He introduced himself and we started talking.  No one out there will tell you to approach a woman with “I’m at a loss for words…” and it probably won’t work any better then some of the other stuff you have tried, but the point is, it did work.  Later, after realizing he was quite the smooth operator, I asked him why the strange introduction, kinda teasing him about it.  He let me know he was a loss for words and didn’t know what to say but he wanted to talk to me.  Wow I thought.  He just said exactly what he thought and even though it was a little different it worked.

The other thing that worked is he was real with me about how he was feeling so he created a real connection with me.  It’s impossible to have real connections with women if you aren’t connecting yourself.  Anyone who has gotten really good at picking up women knows this cause whether they admit it or not they feel empty.  It’s like one side of a magnet trying to connect to something else that isn’t a magnet.  It doesn’t work.  It takes two to make a real connection.  Now the only way how to approach a woman isn’t just walking up and saying exactly how you feel, there are many ways.  The objective is to learn to be in the moment and use new fresh ideas as much as possible.  There is not problem with having some ideas of things you can say, in fact, you can always reach into your old stash in a pinch. :)  Just know your old stash ain’t all there is.

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Make a first impression she will remember

You have less than 30 seconds to make a good first impression.  Most of the time after that impression is made the woman spends the rest of the time she is getting to know you rationalizing her first snap judgement.  She makes this quick judgement based on many things, one being your congruence with the social situation you are in and your social awareness.

Calibration is about understanding and operating effectively and appropriately to social situations and different types of people. This is absolutely necessary when learning how to make a good first impression with a woman.  What is great one time is way off the mark another time.  I was speaking at a dating convention and several guys approached me and some other women I knew there multiple times in the strangest of ways.  If someone had social calibration skills they might think something like “Well, I just saw this woman speak, and she is in fact a dating coach… is it APPROPRIATE to go pick her up with what I just learned? Probably not.” Clearly this necessary internal dialog was not happening.  If it wasn’t happening there in that little instance, chances are it’s not happening in their lives either.

I understand guys getting excited when they learn something new about how to approach a woman and they want to go try it out, and at the same time there is a time and a place to do so. A friend of mine was approached 3 times by the same guy who wouldn’t get it. Just not going to work!  Being less attached to nailing your target and more aware of who she is, what she is thinking and feeling, and your surroundings is important. If you can do this then many times you will see something that you would have missed.

When you can comment on something unique or notice something special about a woman that other people might not see or even be aware of, that is money.  Women have a strong desire to not be like anyone else and to be appreciated for who they are.  A beautiful unique butterfly, different than all the other butterflies out there.  If you are aware of social calibration you can pick up on things that might not meet the eye.  Commenting on things like this makes her feel as though you are different and therefore worth investing time and energy in or at the least she will be intrigued by you.

A great example of how to make a good first impression using callibration and and awareness of how the woman is feeling to gain investment quickly:

As I was leaving this very same convention, a coach from Australia I had never met said (with lots of eye contact, very very subtle sexual energy and confidence),
“You look like you’ve had a rough day.”
“Why do you say that?” (with an obvious smile)
“Cause you took your shoes off and put your hair up.”
“I guess I’m that transparent.”
“You’re hiding it well. I really feel for someone like you at this place.”
“Thank you.” (I exhale and relax a little)
“Relax a little?” (and motioned to a chair)
“I was gonna go, but I think that sounds good.” (would have been great excuse if I wanted to use it)
I smile and sit down and we talk for a while.

I felt really understood by him and safe because he was treating me like a person, not some target. He socially calibrated the situation and noticed how I was feeling… and led me somewhere else. This alone is amazing!  We ended up hanging out while he was in town and still talk every now and then. When a man notices how a woman feels it’s ON. It feels like sunshine on a rainy day.  Rarely men are tuned into the subtle feelings and nuances women experience all the time, so that is one thing that can set you apart from the rest when you are learning how to approach a woman.

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Sexual Tension

Recently, I was asked "How would a man sweep you off your feet give you butterflies?" And "What is the most frustrating thing you find about guys within the dating community?"

 

 Well, given what I do for a living, I've seen almost everything out there and most of it has been tried on me a time or two re: the PUA Summit post.  So my personal biggest frustration in the community is PICK UP LINES I've heard before, and things that guys say they can't own. If I ever hear something I know, it makes me throw my shoe at him and reconsider becoming a lesbian. The other thing about these lines and routines is there is rarely the embodiment to back up the "game".  I wouldn't call it game if there is nothing real backing it up, but I did not make the rules about what is worthy of being game and what is phony crap that shouldn't be repeated. :)

 

Anyway, I digress. What is missing from much of the stuff you see out there and from men who struggle with being successful with women is sexual tension.

 

If you wanna sweep a girl off her feet and make her head swim, you better be direct, unapologetic, authentic, and you have to feel what you are saying in your body. If you are attracted to her feel that attraction when you interact with her, and that will amp up the sexual tension which is what makes her head swim.  Normal boring conversation with regular guys doesn't do the trick, women love a man with an edge and a little bit of fire. Nothing is sexier then a man who is boldly and openly attracted to a woman.  I see guys try to push their attraction down because they think it makes them seem needy and this is just not true!

 

What makes you needy is needing validation from her.  Attraction in it's pure form isn't needy, it's just attraction.  It becomes needy when you need it reciprocated to feel like yours is ok.  She has to sense that you are willing to let her go if she is not what you are looking for. Women want to know that they cannot walk all over you and take advantage of you.  They want a man with a backbone and a swagger, who are willing to be the man.  Not someone who needs their attention to feel better about himself.

 

If you can't speak to a woman in a direct, unapologetic, bold way, then you are better off sticking to something more situational or indirect cause it's easy and safe while you're building your confidence.  If you go too big too quick you could get in over your head and take yourself out.  The super direct approach could be something you work up to.  What's most important is you learn from your experiences, so as long as you are learning then keep it up!


 

Jamie Thompson

Female Dating Coach

 

Specializing in giving men dating tips and real life solutions about how to approach women effectively, overcoming approach anxiety, and gaining confidence around women they are attracted to.  For more information on how you can get started with coaching email Jamie@themysterykey.com.

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Lessons to be learned from Pick-up Artists’ Mistakes

More nuggets you can take away from my experience at the PUA summit… read previous article first.

 

If you can't own it, DON'T pretend to.  The best game I saw at the PUA World Summit was from… the AVATAR?

 

It's very uncomfortable for a woman when a guy takes a line/routein/strategy that works for someone else and uses it, pretending to be a pick-up God while underneath he feels unworthy or terrified.  What makes someone creepy is when they are trying to hide something others can obviously see.  This can be subtle.  Say a guy walks up to a girl and feels sexually attracted to her but he doesn't want her to know that because he is embarrassed so he tries to hide it.  He is aplogizing for his sexual desire without even saying anything and he comes across as creepy.  I saw this happen a lot when guys at the seminar approached me, my female friends, and girls on the street during the day game workshop.  They see someone else who can "own it" do something and they try to replicate it without the feeling of masculine presence that made it work in the first place!  This is incongruent and incongruency raises red flags in a woman's brain.

 

The random guy dressed as an Avatar doing a promo on the street did this better than anyone else I personally encountered at the summit.  Wait till you see this on the video we made, the way he owns it is amazing.  He was going super direct and sexual, and I'm not gonna lie, I was a little turned on by the strange blue creature with the long braid!

 

Stop thinking so much!  Reality doesn't happen in your head.

 

This could be one of the number one causes of failure I saw at the PUA summit.  Guys go up in their heads to try and recall the thing they are supposed to say and it takes them away from the moment and knocks them off their grounding.  Then they can't think of what it is they are trying to remember and they get even more ungrounded and anxious, eventually making her uncomfortable, and ultimately crashing and burning.  A huge key is being grounded and staying in your body and out of your head.  One thing that I thought was funny is ALL the female instructors at the Pick-up artist convention said "It's not so much about what you say" or "Openers don't matter" or "Don't get caught up in specifics about what to say" and yet guys are still thinking that if they learn the correct line/routein/frame it will make them successful with women.  Nothing is a substitute for good old fashion groundedness, (yes I just made up a word) and it really doesn't matter what you say.  

 

Give anything to someone like Robbie Kramer from Inner Confidence and he will make it work for him because he is grounded.  In the last couple years I've known him, he has made things I dare not repeat work to his favor due to staying grounded and calm in any situation.  We did some outlandish approaches to push our comfort zones together and his energy made me feel even more comfortable.

 

Manipulation won't buy happiness

 

I heard someone on stage say that "If you want to get with a girl, you just keep trying.  Once you get her back to your place for 10 minutes, try to make out with her.  If she says no, talk about something else, then try again in 10 minutes.  Keep trying until she either gives in or goes home."  Now, I must clarify, it's not that this won't work because ultmately it usually will!  She will either give in or go home.  If she does it after you tenaciously stay at it with her and she just gets tired of saying no, do you think she will want to hang out with you after that?  No.  I've had this happen and I did not leave with a good feeling because I felt manipulated and coersed in to doing something that I didn't want to do in the first place.  I heard someone say when talking about taking girls home from a club, "Find the girls who want it and leave the rest alone."  It's desperate to think that you have to keep trying and trying to get a girl to make out with you… why don't you just find one who wants to?  Then she will feel good about it and hang out with you again!   The point is there is another way of going about it.  If you can tell she really doesn't want to hook up with you, let the poor girl go home with her dignity.  You will get to keep yours as well!  There is not much self-respect in forcing someone to do something they don't want to do.

 

I know someone who used to be a pick-up artist who ended up getting married and recently divorced.  His wife really manipulated him into a lot of things.  He says that he feels like on some level he brought that on himself and he deserved it for all the times he manipulated women in the past.  One thing to keep in mind is that there is justice in the universe and you get back what you put out there.  If you manipulate women, they will manipulate you back.  Karma is a biotch. :-)

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Mystery PUA, PUA summit, pick up artists, etc.

I went to and spoke at the global pick-up artist summit in Hollywood last weekend.  Here are my honest, un-sugar-coated thoughts on the whole thing.  I'm going to tell the truth, authentically the way I see it; some people may not like this, and that's OK.  I've mentioned a few guys who I thought demonstrated doing well out in the real world, not just on stage.

 

I'll preface this by saying that I have been on the outside of the "pick-up artist" industry, looking in for the last three years that I have been a coach for men.  With my clients I focus on personal development, becoming the man you want to be, understanding and connecting with women, owning your sexuality and male presence, dissapearing social and approach anxiety and having fun.  Last weekend I found myself right there in the middle of the Pick-up artists and their different and unique ways of doing things that before I had mostly heard and read about.  This was the first time I dealt with it over and over again first hand.  It was very interesting, fun, eye opening and at times little freaky.  I made a documentary about my experience with the PUA "community", and the direction the seduction industry is taking, as well as interviewing people about their take on the whole thing.  It will be entertaining and informational.  Stay tuned. ;-)

 

Know who you are dealing with…understand social calibration

 

Many guys at the PUA Summit were so fixated on getting something from the woman that they don't pay attention to the signals she is sending them.  They want to get her number, or even her validation, maybe they really want to make out or take her home and they get so focused on that, they forget reality.  An example: I'm on the phone with my friend (who is there) and she is approached twice while we are talking, she politely said "I'm busy, and I'm with the summit, my boyfriend is an instructor" and 5 minutes later I heard her say "get the hell away from me, you're making me uncomfortable" to which he said "Really? Why?"  And guess what!  It was by the same guy!  Later we saw him awkwardly hitting on another girl and my friend ran and hid so he wouldn't see her.  Had he backed off (properly socially calibrating the situation, and respecting her signals) he wouldn't have gotten yelled at and she wouldn't have ran away from him later.  

 

I've done this when we are out at the bar… it's pretty typical for there to be a guy that I steer clear of because he is trying too hard and not getting the hint so my only means of avoiding him is to stay as far away as possible.  Other girls then start seeing girls avoid him and it kills his social status and chances with anyone else because of the "girl code".  Girl code is when girls give each other looks about certain guys in the bar that are weird and should be avoided at all costs.  If a girl gives another girl, even someone she doesn't know, one of these "he's a creeper, watch out looks", talking about you, you are blown out before you even try.  You do not want to be this guy.  A good rule of thumb is ALWAYS LEAVE THEM BETTER THEN YOU FOUND THEM.

 

The guys from thenaturallifestyles.comJames, Zanna and Tim demonstrated great social calibration understanding with me, we all sat down and hung out for a while after the summit because they were super cool, not blatanly hitting on me because they were aware enough to know that had been going on all weekend.  It was nice to feel like I wasn't being "gamed".  I even invited them to a charity event I'm hosting while their in town!  These are the type of guys I would actually want to hang out with.

 

Be willing to let her go, AND still communicate what you want

 

There is an underlying feeling of desperation and neediness I saw at the Pick-up Artist Summit.  Many of the guys were desperate to get laid or validated by women in some way.  This creates a scenario where what ever it is they need so bad will not come to them because they are chasing it so intently.  Imagine you are standing on the street and someone suddenly starts running at you, is your instinct to run toward them or away from them?  When something comes at us with a lot of force it doesn't feel good so we want to run the other way or and avoid the desperate person because we know THEY WANT SOMETHING from us.  Now imagine you have a girl, it might even be a cute girl, and she is asking you over and over to hang out, repeatedly.  You keep saying you're busy and you can't.  Maybe you're not actually busy and you really want to hang out with her, but something in you wants to be elusive just because you know how bad she wants it.  

 

Perhaps this has never happened to you, but I'll tell you one thing: it happens to attractive women all the time.  I see men get really focused on a girl or just getting laid in general and they actually push her away because she knows she has all the control.  It's the way of the universe: what ever you chase after runs away.  It's also important that you do communicate what you want from women.  Many times I'll see guys go into opposing reaction of being too desperate and they don't let a girl know they are interested in her for fear of seeming needy.  Doing the opposite won't solve the problem.  In fact, it's a big turn off when a girl knows as guy likes her but won't admit it or show it.  A man who knows what he wants and is not afraid to get it is one of the most attractive qualities out there.  There is an art to being straight up about what you want without being desperate for it. 

 

I had an experience with "Psych" from psychofgame.com where I was interviewing him for the documentary and afterward he wanted to hang out and get to know my perspective cause I had been asking him questions the whole time.  I had to run off because I had something else to do at that moment and we decided we would talk later.  I did see him stop by once to see if I was done, but didn't hang around staring at me, all creepy like, waiting so he could snatch me up the moment I was free (which happened a lot with other guys).  My impression was perfect: he wanted to hang out but he wasn't being needy about it.  

 

I will have more "Lessons form Pick-up Artists" coming up!

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