The Cooperation of the Sexes

In the battle of the sexes no one is safe.  Everyone is on defense.  Whoever wants it more loses and everyone is unhappy.  ‘Love’ becomes a competition and the death of true partnership.

old-manwoman-shadowsA man giving his attention to another woman can lead to his partner to think she needs to change her appearance to be like the model on tv.  A woman being cold in the bedroom can drive her partner right to the car dealership for a brand new ego boost.  They both still love each other very much.

How do we mend this old and tattered relationship model of making war out of love?

We come together in solution and union.  We become interested in how to support the other instead of how to beat them.  We care more about being happy than being right.  This is way more fun and far more fulfilling.

In the age of alternative relationships, independent women and sensitive men, we are moving into a place where it’s ok to have our own unique balance of masculine and feminine energy and style of relating.  More people are becoming aware that they have both male and female energies within, each coming with it’s own unique set of strengths and desires that make up a functional whole.  Dating and relationship coaching, relationship dynamics, and psychology being readily available has begun teaching people they no longer need to see themselves as pieces looking for their other half.

Let’s stop the war and give each other what we need.  Let us first realize what we personally need and learn to give it to ourselves.  Then we are available to receive what we want from a partner.  It’s a movement I’m calling the ‘cooperation of the sexes’.  In the spirit of cooperation let’s talk about relationship dynamics and differences.

Want to make a woman happy? 

Let her know she’s sexy AND that she is beautiful.  Feminine energy wants to be noticed both inside the bedroom and outside.  It likes to feel beautiful, experience pleasure and to be noticed by the masculine.  As a busy man it’s easy to get so caught up in achievement that you forget to appreciate the woman you’re with, and without realizing it you can easily add the insecurity about her own beauty that she may already be placing on herself.

If you feel like your lady is feeling down on herself…

Are you putting conscious attention on appreciating her?

Are you taking a moment to notice what kinds of things make her feel sexy and what kinds of things make her feel loved?

If you don’t know… ASK!

Instead of saying “Why are you boring in the bedroom?”, say “What makes you feel sexy?”

If a woman doesn’t feel special in her relationship and doesn’t know how to communicate that effectively, she looks elsewhere to fill that need.  This doesn’t necessarily mean cheating but it can lead to that.  Many times it just means getting attention.  It can also lead to shutting down sexually or withholding sex.  If she doesn’t learn to feel special and beautiful in herself, no man will ever be able to provide this for her and no amount of adoration will be enough.  Our culture perpetuates this insecurity with celebrity culture, TV, media and beauty products.  It’s time for men and women to come together to dismantle the ‘beauty validation shadow’ that has been created, so that the feminine can reclaim it’s divine essence which is true & innate beauty.

And how do we make a man happy? 

 Tell him he’s the man!  Honor his man hood.  Male energy wants to feel useful.  It likes action and to be of service to the feminine.  Men just want to know what to do to make you happy so they can go do just that.  As a highly capable modern woman it’s easy to unintentionally emasculate a man by being so self-sufficient that he feels unimportant and unnecessary in your life and looks for ways to be of service to the feminine elsewhere.  This makes a woman angry… and the vicious cycle creating the battle of the sexes begins.

 If your man’s attention is waning…

Instead of getting mad and pulling away sexually, ask some questions.

How else can you support him in feeling like your man in the bedroom and in life?

Maybe you could ask him about what makes him feel like the man.

Are you receiving his attempts to honor you?

 Underneath it all men cheat because they are trying to find someone who thinks they are important, somewhere their presence matters.  For many men they don’t feel useful to THEMSELVES so they keep looking for their value in other women, never feeling satisfied.  When he doubts his masculine worth, many times he withholds love.  Ladies, you can help by letting him know he’s valuable and respected, allowing him to carry the suitcase, drive the car, fix the computer, or whatever his way of serving may be.  Most of all men love when you ask them for help and trust them with your vulnerability.

*Sometimes men carry a lot of feminine energy and they frequently display feminine energy’s characteristics and visa versa.  This does not mean anything other than we all have a balance of both male and female energies within us and being a man doesn’t necessarily mean we have mostly male energy.  Wherever your balance sits is perfect for you and there are other people out there whose balance is a great match for yours.

The silent killer of relationships

I’m the master of pretending I don’t need anybody.  I’ve done it so much I unintentionally convinced myself and many of my partners that I don’t need them, that I have it all together, and they need to measure up to my personal standard of perfection.  Naturally, this leads to people feeling like shit.  My personal standard of perfection is terrifying and impossible for anyone to achieve.  The interesting part is this couldn’t be further from the truth about how I actually feel.

I also have insecurity that is covered up by pretending to be confident when I’m not.  What I really want is for someone to see who I really am and still love me.  Bingo.  That is the one thing we all crave.    No one can love us in spite of us if we don’t let them see us.  After becoming aware that my standard of perfection was being held up for my partner, I’ve been making a conscious effort to share my soft spots instead of cover them up, allowing her to love me anyway.  This has brought us much closer and my honesty has allowed her to feel more confident in my presence.  For those who have perfectionistic tendencies like I do, it takes a conscious effort to be vulnerable.  It will mean the world to your partner and to your relationship.

In the battle of the sexes women and men are different

Sometimes with opposing needs and desires

But in the cooperation of the sexes we see the other as a mirror

Teaching us about our own male and female energy

Learning to interact with our partner is learning to interact with ourself

Finding balance in our relationship is finding balance within ourself

Our partner is showing us what we need work on

When we see it this way, we stop blaming them for not giving us what we need

We begin giving ourselves what we need

If we do this internally and they are not an external match for it, they will either step up or step out

Making space for someone who is a match

The divine marriage emerges from inside

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4 keys to healthy relationships – Relationship advice

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Do you ever wonder how some couples are so happy together? They seem to have some key that is hidden from the rest of the world who are just getting by and getting divorced. Healthy relationships can be elusive to those who haven’t experienced them because of course they are trying so hard to have a happy relationship but somehow it isn’t working.

When I was in my early 20’s I remember seeing this one ridiculously cute couple whom I secretly hated. They were all kiss in public and pet names and yet they could easily allow the other to have a boys weekend or night out with her girlfriends, outside of the relationship. I on the other hand, was a hot mess. I couldn’t seem to find any sort of contentment inside of a relationship longer than a couple months. I thought I was doing something wrong or it just wasn’t possible for me. Then though my own trial and error and a lot of personal work I realized this: even when someone is a great match for you, it’s still a lot of work to keep things fun and fresh. No matter how easy and relaxed someone’s relationship seems, and whether they are aware of it or not, they are doing something behind the scenes to maintain it. Many of us learned this lesson along the way, but what specific things can you do? I’ve listed 4 main topics that I see out of balance in people who come to me with challenges in their relationship or relationships that don’t last. With this awareness one can start making steps toward a more fulfilling and exciting relationship immediately.

First take a pen and make a square. In each corner write one of the following: Communication, Vulnerablity, Fun/Activities, Sex. Then write a dot on each corner of the square. This would be what your relationship would look like if it was fulfilled in each of these areas: A balanced square. Write a dot where your actual satisfaction in the area is, the center of the square being zero and the corner where the dot is currently being 100% satisfied. Don’t over think it, go with your initial gut instinct. This exercise is a visual representation of what needs the most work in your relationship or what is out of balance.

Let’s start with communication. This was the first thing I realized I was not doing in my own short lived relationships. I wasn’t asking for what I wanted or even being honest with myself about what I desired in relationship. If this area has problems, issues in other areas are bound to arise because people undoubtedly have different wants, needs, and opinions about everyday things and if not shared or dealt with, they become repressed and turn to anger and resentment. Because it’s not always appropriate to share every little gripe and complaint with your partner, it’s helpful to have someone who is objective to support you in your relationship as well so you only go to your partner with things that you need to work out with them. It’s difficult to change the other areas I’m going to cover if communication isn’t established so this long winded explanation is why it’s the first building block to a healthy relationship.

First and foremost: most people’s communication in relationships is terrible. Just look at the nasty divorce pattern that we are seeing in more than 50% of couples who swear to spend the rest of their lives together. Whether or not they were right for each other is a whole different story but if the divorce is not amicable and no one is literally insane, it’s because there is a history of needs not communicated and the couple is harboring resentments toward one another. Believe it or not, there are some people who have very respectful divorces even in cases on infidelity when they learn to communicate with one another. In a time when the former is more common than the latter some people would call what I’m about to say radical communication.

One of the issues I see people bring up about communication is being afraid of asking for what they want for fear it will be judged or rejected or misunderstood. So here is an easy place to start. One thing that is tremendously helpful in communicating issues is the ol’ ‘I feel’ statement you may have learned in 2nd grade. Still extremely relevant and effective in adult relationships as on the playground basketball court. Starting your communication with “I feel _______.” instead of “You’re ________.” makes a difficult communication much easier to be heard.

Taking the ‘I feel’ statement to the adult level involves employing solution based communication instead of placing blame, simply complaining, or making your partner responsible for meeting your needs without even knowing what they are in the first place.

Example:
“I’ve been feeling distant from you lately. I miss our one on one time together. I was thinking we could go hiking and bring a picnic lunch this Saturday.”
-is a compelling invitation compared to-
“You never want to see me anymore. Do you even care?”

When communicating something challenging for your partner to hear be sure to take responsibility for your view of the situation and your part in it. If someone is accused of something they immediately get defensive even if they know what you’re saying is true. It’s important to LISTEN to their point of view as well because you may find you are doing something that is bothering them too. If you want to be heard you must be willing to hear others.

Note to be aware of:
Careful with never and always statements, those are rarely true and are accusatory in nature. “It feels like… or it seems like we haven’t spent as much time together lately.” are easier to hear than making your perspective the the truth by saying “You have been ignoring me.”

A tool to implement: SHARETIME
One thing I find very helpful to employ is something I call “Sharetime”. Sharetime is a structure for communicating tough stuff. One caution to starting something like this: if you have had little to no communication of the tough stuff to talk about yet in your relationship, seeking professional help to get the communication ball rolling can be very helpful. When issues are repressed there tends to be extra anger, resentment and sadness behind them and the issue itself may not be such a big deal but all the repressed emotion can be overwhelming to deal with on your own. Once “Sharetime” is created you can use it as a safe way to communicate things that might normally be challenging or hard to hear. “I want to have share time.” is a wonderful way to keep the communication present in a relationship and let your partner know you need to be heard.

Rules of Sharetime:
-Listen intently to every word your partner has to say about a subject before responding. Your intention is to understand what’s it’s like in their shoes.
-Use I feel statements. Don’t blame. Take responsibility for your perspective and your part in the issue and understand your way is not the only way to see it.
-Share with the intention of letting it go. It’s not about making the other person feel bad, it’s about saying what you need to say. ‘Getting something off your chest.’

Once someone truly feels like they have been heard and acknowledged for how they feel, it disappears. There may be layers of the same thing happening over and over again and not being communicated or past traumas but each time someone is truly heard another layer of trauma disappears and something new is possible.

Remember this is a life long process, you are never “done” until you’re dead. Communication is the gateway for getting your needs met and moving past old relationship patterns, and of course, creating happy healthy relationships both romantically and personally.

Next post I will cover the next key to happy relationships.

Relationship tips/relationship advice/relationship coaching/Los Angeles

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Misery is a product of your own imagination.

Misery is a choice; it’s not even our natural state.  We have to work really hard at it!  But once we latch onto it, letting go can be quite difficult, like a baby on it’s mama’s teet.  We come from a source of infinite love and joy and that is our natural state. Our bodies start to break down when we leave that place consistently for long periods of time.  This is the root cause of much of the illness and disease our culture experiences today.

We are all born happy. This misery stuff is bull shit.  It’s a blatant choice to stick up your middle finger to your own natural way of being.  It’s leaving your hammock on the most beautiful white sandy beach in the Carribean, where you were getting a coconut oil massage from the sexiest person alive, and sipping an orgasmic fruity umbrella drink, for a nude dive with Gary Busey and Roseanne Barr in the sewer underneath Riverside, CA.

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Would you wish that upon anyone??  This is what you’re doing to yourself.  No one made you leave the beach, that was your choice.  You say, “I was fine and then I lost my job/wife/mojo/leg.”  If you lose your happiness BECAUSE of something outside yourself, your happiness is circumstantial and conditional; you can only be happy if particular planets are in alignment.  When things don’t go the way you want them to, you can have whatever reaction you need to, and simply move on or find the lesson and make the best of it.  That’s what happy people do.  Shit happens, and they go back to the beach.  They don’t swim in the sewer.

When you feel miserable you will defend that misery at all costs because you feel like you would only be this way for good reason, and if you are consistently miserable for a period of time it becomes a comfortable, addictive state. You can actually be addicted to suffering! When you’re running the suffering addiction pattern, someone who is happy is a threat to your misery.  So a miserable person will seek out other people, circumstances, and life events to perpetuate that feeling.  They are dwelling in the problems they have created for themselves and they want someone to join, because on some level they know this state of mind is their choice and they need agreement to make it ok to be choosing misery. They don’t have to be accountable to STOP suffering if the people around them are suffering too. This is why people say misery loves company.

When you are not happy and you want to be in a happy relationship you are putting an impossible expectation on your partner.  They are sure to fail, which will continue the vicious cycle of suffering.  Only you can choose to be happy, and you sure as hell can’t make someone else be happy either.  You can only be responsible for your self and let everyone else be responsible for themselves. WE ARE ALL 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN EXPERIENCE OF LIFE NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

We always have exactly what we want in life.  If bad things keep happening to you, there is a part of you that wants those things to happen, maybe there is something you need to learn that would end the cycle. Rather than pointing the finger at something outside of yourself for ‘making’ you miserable, own that shit. Adopt of mindset of responsibility and point that finger at yourself. “I’m choosing to make myself miserable about this.”  It kills the excuse of being a victim of an outside circumstance, you get to take back your power and, eloquently speaking, make that circumstance your bitch.  How silly is it to let yourself be miserable because someone cut you off in traffic, dumped you, or even if you get a terminal illness?  Why willingly give your power over to that life challenge?  Does that create a solution or just perpetuate the problem?  No matter what happens the only thing you have control over is the way you react.

There are so many inspiring stories of people who made the best out of getting cancer or loosing a limb. They find a way to accept their circumstances and in many cases they come out a happier person after what could have been a devastating life event.  Let people like this be an inspiration and don’t let anything or anyone take you from your white sandy beach.

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Would you date you?

Ultimately if you don’t like yourself no one else will. Everyone talks about confidence. Confidence is attractive, yes. But there is something deeper than confidence I want to talk about today. It’s profound and deep, it’s abstract and under-rated. It’s self love. I realize this post is called “Would you date you?” It’s important to start with the foundation of magnetism, the art of attraction before skipping to the end. So many people go right to the surface stuff like, what your hobbies are, who you hang out with, how you present yourself to the world, what you do for work, how much money you have, etc. I’m all about that stuff, but it comes after. It’s your personality and people either like it or they don’t and that means nothing about YOU.

In today’s world we are judged by our personality and our character goes unseen. Character is who you are when people aren’t looking. When it’s quiet and you aren’t doing anything and there is no noise to distract. It’s who you are when you are alone with yourself. At that still moment ask yourself, do I love myself? If the answer is no, then you have no business dating around or trying to get someone else to love you. It won’t work. No one can love you until you love yourself.

It doesn’t mean you can’t think you want to improve something about yourself, or you have things to work on, or the other day you were rude to that cashier or short with a friend. That’s always going to be there, it’s part of being human. However judging ourselves for these things harshly over time can start to chip away at the love we once had for ourselves. Everyone one had it once. We are born into this world with it, and it’s always there when we want to come back to it.

We’ve all heard about unconditional love. Maybe your parents didn’t give that to you, maybe they didn’t know how but they tried their best and loved you the only way they knew how. Usually somewhere along the way our parents mess up and don’t love us the way we think they should. Then we blame them for why x is wrong with us. This doesn’t fix anything, so at some point we stop pointing the finger and look inside ourselves where the solutions truly lie… they lie in unconditional love. Good news is you don’t have to learn unconditional love from your parents. If you got it, great. If not, the universal God energy is giving it to us, teaching us how to love, all the time. It’s in the stillness and the silence. Sometimes it’s easiest to feel when you are around a baby or a puppy or a waterfall in nature, but really it’s everywhere all the time.

If you don’t love yourself no one else will. Start there, build a foundation upon which to have a great personality. In fact a great personality will come when you begin to open yourself to love and it will be your true personality based in your character. And it will be unique to you and unlike anyone else. That is sexy. ;)

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Being Happy Is Easy

“While washing the dishes one should only be washing the dishes, which means that while washing the dishes one should be completely aware of the fact that one is washing the dishes.

The cup in your hands

 

. . . There are two ways to wash the dishes. The first is to wash the dishes in order to have clean dishes and the second is to wash the dishes in order to wash the dishes. . . .

If while washing the dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not “washing the dishes to wash the dishes.” What’s more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes.

In fact we are completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can’t wash the dishes, the chances are we won’t be able to drink our tea either. While drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things, barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are sucked away into the future – and we are incapable of actually living one minute of life.”

-Thich Nhat Hanh

I read this and it stuck with me throughout the day.  Every one talks about being present but few people actually practice it.  This is a huge cause of depression and general dissatisfaction with one’s life.  People in our culture tend to live in the future, always thinking of the next thing to do or looking for the next thing that will make them happy.

When you’re washing dishes you’re thinking about drinking tea, when you’re drinking tea you’re thinking about that

Art of doing nothing

awkward conversation you need to have with your boss tomorrow, while you are dealing with your boss you are thinking about what you are going to make for dinner, when you are making dinner you are thinking of the wonderful time you hope you have with your date, and while you are with your date you are thinking about the fact that you have to do the dishes.  And this is the hamster wheel we live in… always thinking about the next thing we are doing.  Thus, never receiving the enjoyment and innate happiness of each moment!  We think we are depressed or unhappy and have nothing to look forward to…  We don’t need to look forward to find happiness, we can enjoy the moment for the sake of enjoying the moment.

Now, I did not used to be good at this being present business, and even after practicing it comes and goes.  I’ll be the first to admit it!  Today I was doing yoga- a practice of BEING PRESENT- and simultaneously thinking of what I was going to eat when I got home and my plans this weekend!  Ridiculously ironic.  It’s insanity to do an exercise about being present and not be present while doing it.  No wonder why people are crazy.  I’ve spent many of my days planning the rest of my days, always already on the next task, as if I could somehow control it all working out perfectly.  Rarely does everything go according to the way I plan in my fantastical imagination anyway, there are always curve balls I didn’t expect that I couldn’t possibly have known about ahead of time.  That’s not the worst of it though.  I missed my experiences completely!

Right NOW is all we really have

Like in yoga today, I didn’t really enjoy my practice of yoga because I wasn’t really in my practice of yoga.  I realized this while I was cooking myself dinner and started enjoying what I was doing in the moment.  Squeezing lime juice and sea salt on my freshly sliced tomatoes, putting coconut oil in the pan and swirling it around, cutting open my organic Chilean sea bass to see if it was flaky and cooked.  It was tough to enjoy the process of making food while I was so hungry, I wanted to eat it already!  But, I was happy in those moments of cooking a delicious meal and it was one of the simplest, most delicious dinners I have ever had.  I know that is a bold statement.  It was that good.

While eating I sat in silence; I didn’t check my text messages or email or turn on Tosh.0 to entertain myself.  I simply sat and chewed, experiencing the flavor explosion of citrus peppered Chilean sea bass with a hint of coconut and juicy tomatoes with the perfect blend of salt and lime.  When I was done I sat there for another few minutes, just sitting there.  I was happy, satisfied, and content in that moment… doing nothing but enjoying the silence with the occasional bird chirping outside.

Being Present in the moment = Happiness and contentment = What we are always striving for anyway.

 

 

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It all starts with the person in the mirror

We live in a culture of ambiguous lines and overwhelmingly large grey areas. People show up when they want, change plans, and never really say no to anything out of fear of either missing out because they let the opportunity pass by or hurting someone’s feelings in the process.  We don’t want admit weakness because we want to be perfect.  We don’t want to see our limitations because we would rather live in a fantasy world where we don’t have any.

Understanding and embracing our limitations and weaknesses seems to us like it would be limiting. Naturally. It’s not though. It opens and frees us up to where we are and where we can go. Many times we are not present to where we are as a starting point and therefore we have unrealistic expectations about where we can go. We end up living in a fantasy, thinking that one day we will magically end up at point B, without ever really knowing where our point A is. Truth is, it’s hard to create a clear vision of a destination when you are not honest about where you are starting from.

We think we are always just a couple steps away. If _____ (insert outside circumstance here) would just change I would have what I want. We are living in a fantasy that promises we will get there soon, but the fantasy never takes us there because it is a FANTASY. Definition of fantasy: the process of creating unrealistic or improbable in response to a psychological need. If you want to find a quality girlfriend and you haven’t dated anyone in a couple years, thinking that you can meet one this week might be a fantasy because unless you clear what has been in your way the last couple years.  If we are choosing to have something it’s real because a choice occurs in reality.  If we are wanting something because we don’t have it and we think we need it it’s a fantasy.

We won’t learn the things necessary to improve on our weaknesses if we can’t admit we have any. If you are anything like me, you like to be superman/woman and have no weakness or fear! YEA RIGHT. We are kidding ourselves. When we can be aware and accepting of our weaknesses and limitations we can accept new information that can support us in moving toward where we are going. If we aren’t honest with ourselves about where we lack we will deny the very thing that could help us because we don’t think we need it! This is a form of self sabotage and can end up being quite self destructive if done over a long period of time.  It stops our growth because we can’t learn something we think we already know.

If we have clear boundaries we can say no to certain things we don’t want which opens up space for the things we do want to come in. Many times we hold on to the things we don’t want in desperation because we want to have something to hold on to!

Perfect example that has all these elements in it happened to me recently. I was dating someone who I had created to be a fantasy. I filled in the holes (things that didn’t work for me about him) with my imagination and created the perfect Mr. Right Now in my fantastical brain.  At first when I realized what was going on, I was afraid to say be honest because I didn’t want to experience the discomfort of the situation that might have been created from being completely authentic about where I was at. Eventually, the fantasy shattered and I realized it wasn’t him I was dealing with; it was my made up, idealized version of him.  I let go of that fantasy, and while this guy is a great guy and would be attractive to many women, it became clear that the relationship should come to an end. Once I set a boundary and let go of the the relationship, it opened me up emotionally and energetically to the world.  Immediately new opportunities that I was not aware of before showed their faces and I realized how many options I had that I was hiding from myself because I was holding on to a fantasy.

 

 

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The Dating Community and Jamie Thompson: Los Angeles Dating Coach

This is an article one of my clients wrote.  It paints a picture of one man’s journey through the community and eventually my coaching process.  Enjoy! :)
I remember going through a very interesting stage in my life a few years ago. I was a full-fledged Community junky. On my lunch break, I would take advantage of the perfect California weather and approach women in Ralph’s, Whole Foods, you name it, and come back with all sorts of stories. I thought it was way cooler than the guys who would mostly just eat lunch either at their desk or with each other. I had only two problems: One, I had a tough time getting the girls I talked with, to meet up with me again. And two, the women in my own office seemed to really distrust me.
the guys in my office: Most of them were in relationships. I was single.
It was weird. When before I found The Community, I wondered why jerks got laid and I did not. After I found The Community, I wondered why Average Frustrated Chumps got laid and I did not.  (Average Frustrated Chump (AFC) is a term that Community guys use to describe the supposedly unenlightened guys not in The Community.) I came to see that the problem is with The Community itself. Guys are headed down paths that are not helping them. These are the three that, as I see it, are the most destructive.
1. Looking down on Mainstream Society and picking up habits that make you look weird. Everyone in The Community talks about how inept the average guy is with women. Actually, the average guy is decent. Not great, but decent. The average guy has a basic grasp on flirting, “making a move” physically, and chivalry. He can’t approach in the grocery store, but he sometimes can in bars, and eventually he is able to get a woman in his social circle to feel attraction and fall in love with him. The proof is out there–the planet has 6 billion people, and to the best of my knowledge, they aint here due to Immaculate Conception.
In fact, I would say that the average Community guy is *less* proficient with women than the average `Mainstream” guy. In the Mainstream, having sex isn’t that uncommon. In The Community, it gives you enough credibility to write an e-book and sell it for 39.95. Combine this with the fact that many guys in The Community hold a lot of disdain for Mainstream
society’s ways, and it becomes awfully easy for a guy coming in, to fall into ways of behaving that come across weird.
I’ll give you an example from my own life. Walking up cold to a woman whom you really want to meet, is a noble concept. Few people can do this, and not too many guys will even try, at least outside of a bar. Approaching a girl when you just have to is very powerful. The problem comes when we take this idea to extremes. Approaching every cute girl in sight is just weird and a little creepy, especially if you can’t read social situations and realize when you’d only be interrupting or embarrassing her.
I myself used to spend every lunch hour approaching women–the supermarket, Peet’s Coffee, you name it. I was pretty proud of my efforts and how this separated me from every other guy in the office. Well maybe they did, but the women in my office in particular didn’t seem impressed with me. Maybe they saw my behavior for what it was–validation-seeking to an unhealthful level. And seeing how few of the women I approached followed up with me, perhaps they saw it that way too. Meeting women had become my main aim, and Jamie helped me see that this was repulsive to the type of girl I was looking to meet, and that I would *not* get closer to my goals by doing more approaches.
It’s easy for a guy in The Community to come across as weird for another reason too. The Community’s focus is on trying to boil down human interactions to a method and formula. Routines and algorithms–when girl says x, you say y. This does make some sense–guys who are looking to get better and who are analytical find it easy to focus on specifics, and there is a learnable structure to solid social skills. However, what often happens is that guys in The Community are always so focused on saying the right thing that they come across as either stilted and in their heads (worst case), or too smooth and fake (best case) or somewhere in between. Either way the girl senses something is off and won’t follow through because she doesn’t trust the guy.  It’s amazing how although some things change, some things remain the same. Community guys are a lot like “nice guys” in that they are always in their heads, trying to be quote perfect-unquote in a sense.
However, Jamie lead me to understand the following in our work together: Many many a woman is with a guy who made all sorts of what The Community considers unrecoverable mistakes. The guy she is with isn’t necessarily that good-looking, smooth, and he often doesn’t even have what the Community calls “rock-solid inner-game”.  True, this guy is usually someone whom she works with or someone in her social circle. This is what is happening though: either by luck or accident, immediately or over time, she felt the guy’s masculinity or emotionally connected with the guy. That’s not to say that the woman necessarily chose wisely, or even that the guy she is with is good at meeting women. It is to say that imperfect real will win over perfect fake in the long run.
2. Becoming a Douche-bag. Yes, this is part of 1. just above, but I felt it deserved its own section. Everyone accuses the Community as being full of misogyny–hatred of women. Instead, I would actually say that The Community is really full of misandry–hatred of men. Women might indeed be objectified, but men–the 99 percent of them outside The Community anyway–are often put down.
Think of how most companies do their marketing. Usually it is about putting down average guys and getting an insurmountable advantage over them. I realize that we are hardwired to respond to this type of marketing due to our competitive instincts. Think of what it leads to though. Yes, a lot of guys who join The Community stop hanging out with other guys (or I should instead say, they never started in the first place) to focus on meeting women. An afternoon spent playing softball or basketball or just watching the game with other guys is considered a waste of time compared to prowling the local mall to approach women. Even worse, guys who join The Community start looking down on other guys and their ways, and instead focus on trying to outslick these guys to get their girls. They become the male equivalent of catty–their interactions with other men are all about getting an advantage over them when it comes to attracting the women.
It’s as if they are trying to cover their lack of male initiation with a bunch of techniques designed to win women. They actually instead become guys that other people (especially women) don’t really trust. I realize that it isn’t marketable to tell a guy that he needs to do what it takes for him to become comfortable in the presence of other men, but that might be precisely what he needs.
There is also something else going on that is a little more subtle. Many of us in The Community become takers in a sense. We spend a lot of energy, frankly, trying to get good at getting something from complete strangers who have something to give (i.e., attractive women). I did this when I was doing all those approaches. I had stopped growing really, and I had become pretty superficial.
3. Not getting the right things to work on. Well what are the right things to work on? Mainly getting comfortable in your own skin–not just in social interactions with women you might want to date, but also in interactions *with other men*, and in situations in life. The ability to straddle that fine line between being bold and respectful. Going for what we want unapologetically on the one hand, while on the other hand being able to read another person and being respectful of social situations.
The ability to build and maintain sexual tension. The ability to flirt, which is really about lightly making fun of a woman about something she said. A “nice guy” pretty much stays on the topic of conversation with the girl, and we all know where that leads–a nice logical friendly interaction. A guy who is good with women often breaks off the logical thread of conversation to tease and/or compliment her in this regard.
As for myself and my own growth, the work Jamie and I did together was crucial. Her coaching made me aware of the jumpy nervous energy I was projecting, and of the little gestures and tics that were conveying that. In fact, I discovered in our work together that I had layers of behaviors and mannerisms in this regard that I wasn’t even aware of in the first place, layers that were making me come across as fake and that were turning people away. We worked on peeling these away. Learning more techniques actually would have only hurt me at the time. I also had to take a look at the rest of my life and whether I was excited about it, and make the necessary changes. I had to look inward at my own aim.
Meanwhile, I wish you success on your own journey…
-Mike
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Change Your Beliefs – Inner Game

Well guess what?  If you’re afraid of being something you probably already are.  Now what?

The human mind is funny because it becomes whatever it thinks about with the most energy behind it.

Many people think they know what this is about and millions of dollars have been made in the self-help and new-wave airy fairy-let’s all just be happy and sing kum-bi-ah industries who claim to teach you this.  My question is, have you tried it?  I did.  If you’re anything like me I put a lot of effort into positive thinking and not too much ever came of it.  In fact, I tried it all.  The Secret  and Ekhart Tolle, seminars with fear conquering ropes courses and workshops on becoming the best you to training’s on life coaching and hypnotherapy.  I even coached some very effective programs in Landmark Education, which claims to not only be positive thinking, but it’s thinking none the less.

I did these things and I still didn’t feel as happy as I wanted to be.  I was happier then most people and doing fine by anyone’s standards, but there was something missing.  I had all the information I could possibly need.  I knew how to think positive and talk myself up all though often this turned into internal arguments with the conflicting voices in my head.  I was applying everything I’d learned as best as I could and doing all the freaken thinking I could handle and I was still not where I wanted to be.

“It’s not what you think that manifests, it’s what you feel the most strongly about that manifests.”

Many times what is beneath the “positive thought” that you don’t really believe is a feeling that you can’t have the thing you are thinking positively about.  The Secret and others started a new wave of being positive and manifesting your dreams, and everyone got really excited about it and then nothing happened.  This is because the way the people felt about having the thing they were thinking about was not consistent with having it.  A few common emotions that stop people from getting what they want are:

Feeling inadequate about deserving it, feeling guilty about having more then someone else or betraying familial belief systems, fear of losing it if they did get it, anger about where they are/not having it already.

Feelings + Thoughts = Belief systems

Belief Systems + Actions = Results

The old way of doing things is to take actions to get results and if you are getting the results you want then you need to take more different actions!  People realized that this was not entirely true and that gave birth to the Enlightened Yogi’s of the 90’s who believed in saving the whales and ignoring all evil.  They only focus on the positive, denying the negative.  Many people in the New Age movement go straight to thoughts and hope that gets them to change their belief systems, ignoring the current truth about how they feel.  When you do this your feelings become like a neglected child who keep getting ignored, it just gets louder and louder until it gets your attention, but in the end it always gets your attention. Suppressed emotions turn into drinking and drug abuse, broken and dysfunctional relationships, low self esteem and extreme lack of confidence, and even disease and pain later in life.

The bottom line is even when uncomfortable these feelings must be dealt with not only for your own well being, but for there to be room for new feelings to accompany the thoughts one is thinking. If you pretend they aren’t there they keep getting louder like the screaming child, AND it puts more and more energy on staying where you are.  Even if you are extremely angry about where you are and you really don’t want it to be that way, you are putting a lot of energy into being angry which is putting a lot of energy into keeping you stuck.

The funny thing is much of the time when the feelings are changed at the core, it shifts the belief system which naturally changes the thoughts to be more in line with what you want so you don’t even have to TRY to do “positive thinking” it happens naturally!  The best thing you can do for yourself is feel what the feelings are behind the negative thoughts.  This starts to reprogram your belief system because the feelings will disappear when you confront them and your thoughts will be more positive.

-Jamie Thompson

Female Dating Coach-Los Angeles

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Taking Risks is Sexy

No risks, no goodies…  I heard that back in the day once and have found it to be true.  The times in my life when I have taken the biggest risks have also been the times when I’ve fallen flat on my face or had the biggest reward.  Falling flat on my face always served as a great learning experience so I have found that to be equally as valuable.  Many people never take risks and they live their lives within the confines of their comfort zone and they wonder why their lives turn out the way they do.  These are people who clearly don’t understand that taking risks is sexy. :)

I was talking to a guy who I had been seeing on the phone.  It was a very logical conversation and we had been disagreeing about  how to deal with a woman/man who is being rude to you in a social situation, men only wanting women for sex, and other “don’t go there topics”.  (For those of your reading these are ‘don’t try this at home’ topics.  It’s like when you see the guys on Jackass staple something to their body… like that, this is not a great idea.)  Naturally we had different opinions and we are both rather stubborn and strong willed at times so it turned into somewhat of a battle.  I got a little emotionally distraught because all my “walking in on my boyfriend while cheating on me with my best friend in the apartment we just moved into” triggers got fired and I felt insecure and uncomfortable and like this guy was just like all the rest of them…blah blah blah.  It came to kind of a weird standstill and he steered it toward how I was feeling. (Always a great place to go with a woman when things aren’t going well!)


I was honest about how I felt and he understood and didn’t judge what I was feeling.  In fact, he related with it! All of a sudden he shared something very personal about a specific situation where he felt disrespected, hurt, and not good enough for a woman he was seeing.  He went into detail and really opened up to me more then I would have ever expected from him.  ***I could feel what he was feeling which is how you know someone is actually being vulnerable rather then making up a story to seem vulnerable.*** It meant a lot to me that he was willing to share this with me and be so open about his feelings.  I knew this guy was not some overly emotional girly man, in fact he seemed very much “a man” to me.  My reaction was one of a feminine overload.  I know, I know what the hell is feminine overload?  Let me explain…

***Feminine overload is when a woman is feeling so much sexual/emotional energy in her body (usually induced by a man) that the woman sort of overdoses and turns into a puddle of adorable giggling radiance.  (I’m trademarking that, haha)  Sometimes she will make noises and say things that don’t make sense, or sing and dance around, other times she will want something sexual or cry for no reason… or all of these things at once!  This is the beauty of feminine energy in pure uninhibited form.  It doesn’t make sense.  This is why you love it. It’s foreign to you as a man, yet getting a woman to this place is like having a delicious piece of french chocolate when you haven’t eaten in days; it melts in your mouth and takes over your senses.  You don’t know what this place is but you love it, when you get a woman to be her most feminine self, you feel like your most masculine self. = Everybody wins.

If you never seen a feminine overload it’s probably because you have not created the space for a woman to feel safe and comfortable being herself to the full expression around you. (This is a whole different topic to get into.)  In general, women in our culture have learned to suppress their beautiful feminine radiance because it’s not “socially acceptable” or men can’t handle it.  We feel judged for this iratic energy and we don’t let it out very often, accept maybe around our best girlfriends or a few very, very trusted men, or when we are drunk.

… [Continue Reading …]

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How to Approach a Girl with no Expectations

Have no expectations. Seems ironic huh? Don’t I get what I want because I expect it? To some extent, yes you do. You can have intentions, things you would like to accomplish, and even goals; but have no expectations (especially when it comes to approaching women). Expectations are a form of entitlement, thinking that someone owes you something. They can make you narrow minded and very attached to a particular result without being aware that there are other options that could be great as well!

You want to know how to approach a girl and be successful?  Have no expectations of how it should go or what she should do.

Expectations don’t work…

HAVING TUNNEL VISION WITH WOMEN RARELY GETS YOU WHAT YOU WANT. If you win some small battle by bulldozing a woman with no boundaries (classic Pick-up artist move) it is not likely to last long or turn into a fulfilling relationship. You are not likely to win the war with this kind of forceful energy. Being open and flexible is important because sometimes you will end up where you want to go by means of a different path that you might not have expected. And that path can be an enjoyable one. :) You might surprise yourself with a new experience or way of doing something that you never thought of!

When a woman feels that a man expects something she does one of two things:

1) She doesn’t want to give him what he expects. You know this has happened if you get a ton of resistance all of a sudden. Depending on how stubborn she is this could be a Stalemate situation where no one wins.

2) She pulls away or withdraws from the uncomfortable pressure. This could be a slight shift energetically or could mean she never answers your calls again. Chances are if a woman stopped answering your calls suddenly and you don’t know why, it can be traced back to an unwanted expectation you placed on her.

Why we have expectations…

Many times expectations are about needing someone else to make you happy and projecting your need for happiness on to them. This doesn’t feel good to the other person. It’s the classic vampire energy… where someone is trying to take from you without asking and not giving anything back. This puts people on the defensive, and if you manage to get a woman on the defensive cause she thinks you are going to try to get something from her that she doesn’t want to give you have just created an uphill battle for yourself. Not exactly an ideal environment for romance.

I had an experience once where I met a man I really really liked. We hung out for a while and I felt a lot of pressure to sleep with him. I didn’t like the feeling of being expected to do something, even though it was something I wanted to do when the time was right. To make a long story short, we stopped hanging out and he never got any.

You can learn to manage your expectations.

If you are not in control of your expectations, they are in control of you. Some expectations can be reasonable…it’s damn near impossible to never have any expectations.  This can be especially difficult in in the beginning when you are used to always having expectations. Start paying attention to your expectations.

***Ask yourself if it’s a reasonable expectation. Is the expectation a fantasy or could it really happen given your particular situation? If you’re expecting a good Christian girl to have sex with you on the first date, it’s probably not going to happen.

***Ask yourself if you’re communicating your expectations effectively without putting them on someone as something they have to do. There is a way to own your expectation and be responsible for it. You definitely can’t expect someone to do something if you have not told them what that thing is!

It feels so great as a woman to have a man who gives you space to play in and room to breathe… he let’s you wander and appreciates what you give him… he sees every moment as complete, every moment a gift. All of this while letting you know what he wants without being attached to it. Being this way is an art and a skill and when you share freely without expectation of reciprocation she will actually WANT to give you you… you won’t have to force it! In fact she will do it on her own free will.

How to approach a girl with no expectations:

1) Acknowledge what you unrealistic expectation is and let it go for just this one interaction

2) Create an intention that is not outcome specific (gonna have fun vs. gonna get her number)

3) Generate the feelings you wish to get from her inside yourself (no one else can MAKE you happy)

4) Go talk to her and be open to the outcome

If you are running around expecting women to be a certain way or make you feel a certain way you are doing nothing but pushing them away. Sit back, relax, let go and let it unfold. You might be surprised where you end up.

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