Did you put on your woman repellent tonight?

They are selling it at your local Ed Hardy T-shirt store.  Like these lovely specimens on the left, most men think they know what to do with the ladies… even if they don’t. It’s difficult to know what you are doing wrong, but easy to identify it in other people.  Most men put on their favorite cheesy drinking t-shirt and give it the old college try, just like they did the last time they failed miserably at the bar.  Maybe this time the outing can be more educated, after all you’re not in college anymore.

I will only say this once.  Do not wear Ed Hardy gear, it is about as attractive as dousing yourself in a blend of sheep, cat and llama pee.  Burn your Ed Hardy clothing, don’t even give it to the homeless.  They deserve better.

There are many things guys do when out at the bars that make women want to throw up in their mouth.  If you can’t identify these 3 types of guys, then you may be dangerously close to being one of them so pay attention.

 

1.  Stage 1 Creepers

Ricky Ricardo and the constant creepers stand stiffly in the corner with their drinks, robotically eye molesting at all the girls in the bar like transformer gagatrons.  These guys are extreme but every girl knows what group I ‘m talking about because there is one in every bar.  Guys, you are better off socializing with the girls they are attracted to or staying home and saving your money!  Heavens to Betsy, don’t just stare at them or do the awkward shifty eye wink.

Even if you say hi to a girl and it doesn’t go anywhere, it’s nothing to take personal because if you leave a good impression and you see her later it’s easier to continue and conversation where you left off, then start from “Hey, I was staring at you for about 3 hours over there in that corner and I just had to come say hi…”

 

2.   Eager beavers

Women shudder when they walk up and again when they walk away.  They are the overly excited puppy dog gang, searching for any thing with female parts to latch onto, waggling their little tails about the bar. (yes, I said waggling)  These guys act like they have never seen a girl before, or maybe like they just railed some high octane methamphetamine, or both.  Perhaps you could try sedating yourself before entering the establishment.

Girls can sense when a guy has not been around girls.  It appears like they have an ankle braclet they give parolees on house arrest and it shocks them with a certain edgy nervousness any time someone with lovely lady lumps enters a 30-foot radius. I know she’s gorgeous guys, but it’s good to get used to hanging out with and being normal around girls as friends.  Treat them like you treat your guy friends, they are people too!  If you put women in some special superior category you will act weird around them.  A man is more desirable if other women desire him so even bringing out some of your girl friends is a good idea too.

 

3.  Too Kool McGoulds

They take longer to get ready than me when I’m being slow.  They only talk to those who are a part of their double x secret club.  They wear scarves in the summer and over wax their man brows.  When an attractive girl smiles at them they pretend not to know or care, suffering from delusions that this makes them appear famous, rich, fabulous, and therefore more attractive.  That look she shot you was your in!  Their withdrawn arrogance is a facade and everyone sees it but them.

If men have their guard up like this all the time, women are going to match it and be closed and cold, armed with their bitch shield to protect them.  Both parties want to get to know each other but neither will get off the cool train, so it quickly becomes a stale mate situation.  Pretending she doesn’t exist makes her wonder why you are so inaccessable for about 4 seconds and move on to another.  You leave the bar with your scarf and your bar tab and no one on your arm.  Flirting with a girl and being engaging turns her on and it’s a lot more fun for you because you get to do something other then pretend to be cool.

In your next bar outing, leave these three personalities at home and try being friendly, fun, and social.  Go out with some friends, maybe even some girls you know.  Give the open and flirtatious way a shot or the old college try, whichever you prefer. :)

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How to not be taken advantage of by women.

I recently heard someone say the first cue that a woman is trying to take advantage of you is that she has breasts.  There is some truth to that statement.  One of the ways women find their power when they think they have none is through manipulating men. Every girl gets her heart broken and ego demolished at some point, it’s like a rite of passage into woman hood.

For me, I was 17.  Just moved in with my first boyfriend whome I was head over heels in love with.  I got in a car accident at like 2 am up some crazy mountain road and I needed someone to come pick me up.  I call and call but he doesn’t answer.  I have a weird feeling in my stomach because I have my mother’s intuition and I can sense when something is wrong.  Finally, one of my friends drove an hour to come get me and took me back to our  apartment where much to my dismay, he wasn’t there.  I knew what was happening but I didn’t believe it.  Later on, I ended up finding out that he had been cheating on me with a friend of mine for about 6 months.  I was devastated and more than anything I felt stupid because I cared for him so much.  He begged me to take him back and I did…but I was never the same to him again.  In the back of my mind I knew that I was going to teach him a lesson; Miss Jamie wanted her power back.  I noticed that when I was withholding my attention from him inadvertantly because my feelings were hurt, he was making up the difference and paying more attention to me in turn.  I knew that it was becoming more and more over for me, but I let him continue to do this because I didn’t to give him the chance to hurt me like that ever again.  He damn near went crazy trying to make it like it used to be.  One day I ended it because he was so paranoid about me cheating (never did happen) and I became unattracted to him.

I learned a few lessons about relationships:

1) I can use withholding my attention to gain power if I feel like it’s lacking.

2) Men will break my heart if I let them have the power.

Every woman out there has some story, some moment where she felt used, stupid, unloved, or betrayed by a man she was in love with who she thought would never do such a thing to her.  They want to get back Johnny Heartberaker and the male race for breaking their heart when they were a teenager.  So women learn to withhold sex and attention from men and use them as weapons of mass destruction to the male ego.  Men play into the game by trying to get what they think they need from women.  They spend countless hours in the gym and going out hitting on girls trying desperatly to be cooler and more attractive so the ladies will give them the sex and attention they so desire.

Are women just compulsively seeking control? (One lovely fellow asks)

It depends, for some it’s to protect themselves from being humped and dumped by someone they really care about, and some women get obsessed with this.  What starts off as an intention to protect herself from being hurt like she was in the past can turn into a compulsive control strategy.  Power is like a drug, some people do it a few times and realize it’s not for them and others become crack heads living on the street, robbing their mother to get their next fix.  So for some girls the club is their crack pipe and men are the rock.  Turning men who want them down becomes a sport, and even an addictive behavior.  Women will go as far as dangling the promise of her sexuality in front of his face while men take them on vacations and extravagant dinners without ever planning on giving it to them.  I’d be lying if I said I haven’t ever done that… and gained a temporary satisfaction from it.  Some women, and this happened for me, feel empty inside.  Then we do to emotional rehab and stop trying to use men for our own temporary false gratification.  I have and I know other women who have turned down free stuff, money, vacations, expensive dinners, and jewelry; sometimes even free drinks, when they could have easily taken these things because they didn’t want to lead a guy on.  That is being responsible with their power.

To those who already hate women and are looking for one more reason to continue doing so: Don’t take the truth I’m telling and go on a woman hating rampage trying to get them back, because you are adding to the vicious cycle.  She hurts you and you get her back or the other way around and it just keeps going and going… until you stop playing that game.  There are better games to play than getting entire female race back for the careless actions of one or two girls.  Men and women both are just trying not to get hurt.  When you can see what she is doing you can stop playing into it, while having compassion for her position.  Just stop trying so hard to get her attention, don’t hate her for wanting it.  We are all in the same boat here.

At some point you stop the power struggle and realize that no can take something away from you that you don’t need from them.  If you need anything from anyone, they have power over you.  If you are willing to let go of that thing you think you need, there is no power to be taken from you.  No one can take it if you don’t give it to them.  We are human and if we could do this 100% of the time we wouldn’t be, but it’s a path to start on.

Remember when you start needing anything from a woman you are in trouble.  You can hate her for not giving you what you need or you can take responsibility for taking care of yourself.  If you want her to validate you, validate your self instead.  If you need her to validate you with her attention she can use that against you.  If you don’t need her attention but you would like it that’s a different story.  When I want it to be sunny and it’s not I’m bummed for a few minutes and then I get over it, understanding that there will be many more sunny days in Southern California!

Shout out to my friend and fellow coach Walter Durham and Project North Carolinawood for deepening my understanding of what men are going through, and how all pick-up artists are not bad people.  They gave me the idea for this post. :)  You can find out more about Walter: http://masterpickupartists.com/.

 

 

 

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Don’t Mistake Friendliness for Wanting Your Magic Stick

If you are seeking validation and attention starved, an egomaniac who thinks everyone adores you, or you’re simply ignorant and unaware. it’s easy to turn a polite conversation with a girl into something entirely different.  You can do this if you want but don’t be surprised when she doesn’t get the memo.  It’s easy to simply not see what is really happening when you don’t know what signs to look for.

The other night I was out with some friends and we met some guys, one of which was really digging my friends program.  She is a nice, non-confrontational person and his group of friends seemed to be the most entertaining to say the least, so naturally she was going along with it.  At one point there was another guy hanging out near us and she left “Magic Stick” to talk to him.  “Magic Stick” then got jealous and stole her attention back.  When it was time to go he asks her to hang out and she says, “Let’s all hang out sometime.” and they exchange numbers.  Later he asks her to hang out and she ignores his call and texts.   I rolled my eyes when she told me he wanted to meet up with her for drinks the a few days later because I knew exactly what had gone on just by observing the nights events.

 

 

2 things happened that are dead giveaways that she does in fact NOT want your magic stick:

1– She left as soon as another opportunity arose that she could still stay near her friends and not have to talk to “Magic Stick” anymore.  If the two of you have been talking for a while and she is really into you she isn’t going to turn around and talk to the guy behind you…that was the dead give-away.  Girls won’t usually go too far from their friends unless they are really hating life.  If their friends are having fun many times they will endure the social discomfort of being hit on by someone they aren’t into and make friendly conversation.  Sometimes, and in this particular case they will play along with it and even fuel the fire for fun until someone else conveniently shows up.  There is nothing wrong with this, many interactions that happen in bars and social events are like this because LIKING SOMEONE AT A BAR AND WANTING TO HANG OUT WITH THEM AGAIN ARE TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT ANIMALS.

Acting out of jealousy never gets the girl.  If leaves and you get jealous and go find her you have just locked in a pattern that doesn’t serve you.  The pattern is she runs and you chase her, just like 4th grade (some things never change.)  So remembering back to 4th grade, what happens when you don’t chase her?  She comes walking right back up to you to see why the hell you didn’t chase her!  The game we are still playing today began with a boy and girl on a playground.

2– “Let’s all hang out sometime” is a boner killer.  Let it be a boner killer.  Let it go.  It means she just wants to be friends, at least for now.  The dead giveaway is A-L-L.  When a girl says “Let’s ALL hang out sometime”, it is girl code for “You’re cool and I’m probably down to hang out again BUT I don’t want to hang out with you alone.” Let that sink in next time you hear something like that and respond accordingly.  Not every girl has to be a hook-up, you can have female friends as well.  Who knows, through her you might meet someone you have mutual chemistry with.  If you keep it casual and lay off, showing her you aren’t going to try and jump her bones there could future outings.  She might even appreciate the space you have given her and start liking you!  I’ve personally had this happen when I just wasn’t in the mood and later realized a guy was cool and someone I would like to hang out with because he gave me the space to think about it.

If she isn’t digging you the way you are digging her move on.  You deserve to like someone who likes you back.

 

 

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Always knowing what to say makes you a weird social robot

I see many men with unrealistic expectations come to me and say they want to always know what to say in social situations.  They see other men out there who are charismatic and naturally good socially and they make assumptions that they always know what to say and what to do in interactions with women.  Or worse, they read pick-up community material that leads them to think it’s possible to ALWAYS know exactly what to say and still be normal.  This is crazy talk.

The funny thing about this is NO ONE knows what to say all the time!  I don’t know what to say all the time and neither does any guru out there.  Everyone makes things up on the spot and many times it’s the best material!  If you meet someone who knows exactly what to say all the time, I can promise you they come across as a little strange because there are no two social situations that are exactly the same.  What you said yesterday when a woman said “Hello.” might be different then what you say today.  When you cling to what you said yesterday you are limiting yourself to things you already know, instead of being open to learning new things.

I’ve talked to “reformed pick-up artists” in the community who have said that they had hours upon hours of routines memorized when they were studying Mystery Method or some other routine based methods out there.  If it worked for a few minutes, very quickly after meeting someone it would run out.  Women are not like computer programs.  They are not 100% predictable, and it would be a little boring if they were.  Many pick-up artists I have talked to say that they become bored and unfulfilled with “gaming” girls all the time.  This is because there is no connection when they are so consumed with the agenda of getting something from someone, whether it be a phone number, a second date, or sex.  The pick-up artist (if he is a good one by pick-up community terms) ends of having very little investment in a woman, which means he doesn’t care about her that much.  This can be helpful for trying to rack up numbers, but it’s not supportive of actually having mutually enjoyable interactions with other human beings.

I’ve also spoken with the natural men of the world who have an uncanny social ability and appear suave with how to approach women.  Guess what they say?  They have no idea what they are going to say to a woman if they see one walking around the corner.  But when she walks around the corner they come up with something.  They have an idea of what works or a place to come from when talking to a new woman, but the words aren’t stored up and ready in their head the way some guys think they are.  Sometimes it comes easily then others and sometimes they even get a little nervous around a beautiful woman.  JUST. LIKE. YOU.  What makes them good with women is they don’t judge the natural human reactions that everyone gets like having a little anxiety or being at a loss for words.  They just go with it!

In fact one time I had a slightly above average looking man I was standing next to say casually “I’m at a loss for words…” I said, “Umm… about what?” He said, “You know what.” in a direct and flirty tone.  I blushed and said, “Well thank you,,, I think.”  He introduced himself and we started talking.  No one out there will tell you to approach a woman with “I’m at a loss for words…” and it probably won’t work any better then some of the other stuff you have tried, but the point is, it did work.  Later, after realizing he was quite the smooth operator, I asked him why the strange introduction, kinda teasing him about it.  He let me know he was a loss for words and didn’t know what to say but he wanted to talk to me.  Wow I thought.  He just said exactly what he thought and even though it was a little different it worked.

The other thing that worked is he was real with me about how he was feeling so he created a real connection with me.  It’s impossible to have real connections with women if you aren’t connecting yourself.  Anyone who has gotten really good at picking up women knows this cause whether they admit it or not they feel empty.  It’s like one side of a magnet trying to connect to something else that isn’t a magnet.  It doesn’t work.  It takes two to make a real connection.  Now the only way how to approach a woman isn’t just walking up and saying exactly how you feel, there are many ways.  The objective is to learn to be in the moment and use new fresh ideas as much as possible.  There is not problem with having some ideas of things you can say, in fact, you can always reach into your old stash in a pinch. :)  Just know your old stash ain’t all there is.

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Make a first impression she will remember

You have less than 30 seconds to make a good first impression.  Most of the time after that impression is made the woman spends the rest of the time she is getting to know you rationalizing her first snap judgement.  She makes this quick judgement based on many things, one being your congruence with the social situation you are in and your social awareness.

Calibration is about understanding and operating effectively and appropriately to social situations and different types of people. This is absolutely necessary when learning how to make a good first impression with a woman.  What is great one time is way off the mark another time.  I was speaking at a dating convention and several guys approached me and some other women I knew there multiple times in the strangest of ways.  If someone had social calibration skills they might think something like “Well, I just saw this woman speak, and she is in fact a dating coach… is it APPROPRIATE to go pick her up with what I just learned? Probably not.” Clearly this necessary internal dialog was not happening.  If it wasn’t happening there in that little instance, chances are it’s not happening in their lives either.

I understand guys getting excited when they learn something new about how to approach a woman and they want to go try it out, and at the same time there is a time and a place to do so. A friend of mine was approached 3 times by the same guy who wouldn’t get it. Just not going to work!  Being less attached to nailing your target and more aware of who she is, what she is thinking and feeling, and your surroundings is important. If you can do this then many times you will see something that you would have missed.

When you can comment on something unique or notice something special about a woman that other people might not see or even be aware of, that is money.  Women have a strong desire to not be like anyone else and to be appreciated for who they are.  A beautiful unique butterfly, different than all the other butterflies out there.  If you are aware of social calibration you can pick up on things that might not meet the eye.  Commenting on things like this makes her feel as though you are different and therefore worth investing time and energy in or at the least she will be intrigued by you.

A great example of how to make a good first impression using callibration and and awareness of how the woman is feeling to gain investment quickly:

As I was leaving this very same convention, a coach from Australia I had never met said (with lots of eye contact, very very subtle sexual energy and confidence),
“You look like you’ve had a rough day.”
“Why do you say that?” (with an obvious smile)
“Cause you took your shoes off and put your hair up.”
“I guess I’m that transparent.”
“You’re hiding it well. I really feel for someone like you at this place.”
“Thank you.” (I exhale and relax a little)
“Relax a little?” (and motioned to a chair)
“I was gonna go, but I think that sounds good.” (would have been great excuse if I wanted to use it)
I smile and sit down and we talk for a while.

I felt really understood by him and safe because he was treating me like a person, not some target. He socially calibrated the situation and noticed how I was feeling… and led me somewhere else. This alone is amazing!  We ended up hanging out while he was in town and still talk every now and then. When a man notices how a woman feels it’s ON. It feels like sunshine on a rainy day.  Rarely men are tuned into the subtle feelings and nuances women experience all the time, so that is one thing that can set you apart from the rest when you are learning how to approach a woman.

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Creeper stare is bad for business

 

Everyone knows that the creeper stare never did anything positive for anyone.  The question is if it’s common knowledge that it doesn’t work why is a large part of the population of men out there still practicing it?  A large part of this can be attributed to the fact that men don’t know what they are doing because they cannot see themselves doing it.  Start paying attention to this when you are out and see which guys nail it and which ones clearly don’t.  Notice the reactions you are getting from women, they are always giving you feedback about how you are doing.

 

 

The thing is many men look at women and don’t come across as creepy.  In fact, a properly delivered, pregnant glance can be hot and turn a woman on!  What makes this most attractive is when the man is not afraid to let the girl know he is affected by her.  He is unapologetic and bold about enjoying her beauty and taking in her essence.  A man like this is not threatening because he has his cards on the table, in a way he is vulnerable because he is letting her know he is interested.  He is taking a risk and risk is attractive.  This may make a woman feel a little uneasy because of his forwardness but it’s the kind of uneasy a woman feels when she anticipates being swept off her feet.

 

In this glance, the man is also communicating that he is ok without her.  Many times this happens when he looks away after holding her gaze for a few moments.  When the woman looks back to see what the mysterious, forward man is doing now, he seems confident, solid and continuing to do whatever he was doing before she came into his view.  The woman knows that he is ok without her and he doesn’t need her to validate is existence or even his wanting to appreciate her beauty.  It’s like he stopped to smell a beautiful flower but he didn’t try to suffocate the flower, or sneakily pick off one petal to take home with him, hoping no one would notice…. [Continue Reading …]

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Humping my leg in not necessary

 

I actually spoke these words to someone when I was at a bar the other night.  What is obvious to some seems to be completely unapparent to others; this guy was one of the others.  Being my dating coach self, I figured I would do what I could to help him out by letting him know if he stopped trying to hump my leg and gave me a little space I might be more interested and even come to him!

 

Going out into the Los Angeles dating, nightlife, or singles scene as a female dating coach is very interesting.  It's always a toss up when I meet someone who really could use some help with approaching girls whether I just hang out and ignore it, nicely give them some dating tips, or completely let them have it.  Most of the time I just move on without giving it much energy or attention.

 

Tonight was a particularly extreme case so I "nicely let him have it".  (I only completely let them have it when they are PUA-esque or completely rude)  He was good looking and had a positive vibe but every time I tried to talk to him like two people who just met naturally would, he just kept knocking me with his "denim cock" as Dane Cook would say.  I like to dance so I tried sneaking off and getting my dance on with my friends and guess who shows up waving that thing around like a republican who just got a gun permit?  The best part about it is he was trying his best and I could tell he had no idea he was doing something very wrong.  He was just like a little puppy who humps your leg simply because he is horny and wants to hump your leg.  This is not in my top 10 ways to approach a girl.

 

First mistake: Failure to calibrate the social situation.  There are some girls in some circumstances after some drinks who don't mind being prodded like cattle with your pelvic thrusts on the dance floor.  If you are in a prodding mood find those prodalicious milkmaids and leave the rest alone.  

 

Second mistake: He followed me when I left him the first time.  This is something that you do not want to do…Los Angeles dating coach says, if a girl leaves without letting you know why, like she suddenly disappears, don't reintroduce the family jewels from behind before you say hello again.  She left you without saying anything for a reason, she could have told you to "find her later" or "she will be right back" or something to that effect.  If she straight leaves it's not a good sign.  Give her space.

 

The bottom line is if you sense someone is not interested in you the best thing to do is to give them space.  This is not the time for perseverance or determination.  Save that for the sculpting your guns at the gym and getting through Christmas dinner with Aunt Jamima.  The only time someone will become interested in you if they already decided they are not feeling it, is if you let them go long enough for them to realize you have let them go.

 

Thank you for understanding I'm in a particularly feisty, comedic mood.  It happens. :)

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