Make Your Fantasy a Reality on Valentine’s Day

Don’t have a date on Valentine’s Day? Let the dating coach help… It’s definitely not because there are a lack of women who want dates on Valentine’s Day!  Chances are it’s because you need it too much. When we desire something it becomes a fantasy and fantasies are fictional stories that never actually happen. We get stuck in the wanting of it and lose sight of having our desires come to fruition. The paradox is that actually getting what we truly want can be disappointing because it’s the death of the fantasy. We develop a close bond with our deepest fantasies and letting go of them can be a dislocating and uncomfortable experience. Part of the reason change is so difficult is you must dislocate yourself from your current state and sever the fantasy strings.  It’s much like uprooting a plant, the longer it has been there the harder it is to get all the roots.  Fantasy locks in our old behavior patterns and limits us to remain in our current set of beliefs and patterns.  It hides the very actions that could change everything from your view and tricks you into thinking you’re already on your way.  How the hell do I let go of these fantasies you say!?

The dating coach’s guide to getting a girlfriend:

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Step 1: Acknowledging your starting point. Simply take stock of where you are.

Example: I don’t have a girlfriend and I’m not dating anyone.

Step 2: Asking yourself what fantasies are in place that are giving you a false sense of hope and holding you back simultaneously?

Example: One day a gorgeous Victoria’s Secret model will walk up to me in a bar, beg me to take her home and fall madly in love with me because I’m such a rockstar in the sack and we will have a four sum with Scarlete Johansson and Kate Upton and live in sexual ecstasy for all of our days.  

Ok, so that might be a little extreme, but our fantasies can be too!  Sometimes they are smaller like when we say “I’m going to start my daily workout routein tomorrow” and then we never do.  Holding on to that ‘tomorrow’ gives us a false sense of hope that we are going to do something about it rather than taking action in the present.  Tomorrow never comes…

Step 3: Feeling and integrating the emotional content that is underneath the fantasy.  This is what the fantasy is covering up.  Once it has moved through you and been released you can easily make a new choice and move forward!

Example: I feel lonely and powerless.

Step 4: The zinger.   Yep, those were the easy ones. :)  Taking responsibility for choosing to feel lonely and powerless and recognizing that it has nothing to do with your dating life, but rather that you are using that circumstance to feel lonely and powerless.  Facing this inner truth can feel gross inside, but ultimately when we take responsibility for our life we have the power to change it, otherwise we remain a victim to our outside world with no option of being anything other than a victim.

Even though consciously you may know the likelihood of your fantasy happening is pretty slim, it still gives you a place to hide out, while not actually making choices that shape your reality.  And think about it, who can actually live up to your fantasy???  No one can because it only exists in your mind!  Choose to have something real and tangible and experience in your body what it would be like to have it right now in this moment.  Choose someone who loves you for you… someone with whome  you can share laughter and joy… that you’re wildly attracted to… who is down to earth enough to be your best friend… whatever it is you want.  Rather than focusing on the specifics of who and what, create what it feels like and be open to it looking different than what you might have expected.

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Choices happen, desires don’t.

Taking action moves you forward, hoping doesn’t.

Stop fantasizing about Kate Upton and choose to meet someone amazing.

Feel free to ask the dating coach any other questions you might have about making your fantasies a reality.

Jamie@TheMysteryKey.com

 

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Dating Tips – Are you boring? Ask the dating coach!

When women first start seeing someone they want it to be exciting and fun.  They expect it to feel a certain way and if it doesn’t they think it’s because they don’t like you that much.  You might be perfect for her and she doesn’t even know it because you are mistakingly hiding how great you are!  Even if she does like you but dating you doesn’t feel as exhilarating as she thinks it should or remembers it being before, she may lose interest and something that could have been great doesn’t even get explored.

There are two extremes: on one side of the dating spectrum are the guys who are deceivingly great “daters”.  They are great at taking a girl on the emotional ride she wants to go on.  He knows that in the beginning of dating him she wants to feel like she is being led by through the process of getting to know one another.  He makes this fun and exciting and therefore she’s happy.  The more serious stuff can be saved for later, she doesn’t need it yet.  She is on an emotional ride and her logical mind might not be engaged because she is on the cloud 9 of her emotions.  But when it comes time to share the more personal aspects of life, experience deep intimacy, and function more as a unit he has no idea what to do.

He’s good at creating an emotional experience to get her to shop at the store but he doesn’t have any items she needs for sale.  After a while she doesn’t want to go back to that store anymore, it seems great but it’s all empty boxes.  Confident women don’t take a man like this seriously and they will want to keep it casual or stop hanging out because he’s not comfortable exploring deeper realms.  Occasionally a guy like this will lasso a needy, insecure woman who unconsciously wants to be in a relationship with someone who is unavailable.  Then he wonders why “all women are needy”.

On the other side of the spectrum, some guys are great, and definitely boyfriend material, but they lack the ability to take a girl on the ride that she needs to go on to feel interested in finding out more.  They suck at dating.  In the example I gave earlier, they have a great store but terrible marketing so she doesn’t know she wants to go in.  Once she does get in she loves it and wants to stay because the store has so much to offer!  The good news is this is an easier problem to fix than being shallow and afraid of intimacy.

As a dating coach I get a lot of clients like this second type of guy and many times they don’t realize that there is one mistake they are making that is messing with their mojo.  Really, all guys can benefit from this, every human being can benefit from this!

Be unpredictable.  Shes bored by dating you!  If you are being unpredictable and she doesn’t know exactly what’s coming next she is always eagerly waiting to see what you will do.  If you turn dating you into a boring, mundane task and it’s not interesting enough to keep her attention, she thinks it’s because “you’re not right for her” or “you want different things” or you don’t have “anything in common” or any other of the plethora of excuses women use as to why they don’t want to see you anymore.

Do something different and shake things up a little.  Human beings have an extraordinary ability to get into a rut.  Being dynamic is sexy!  It doesn’t mean you are changing your personality, just that you’re improving it.  It will be a good exercise to expand your comfort zone of what you normally do and how you normally act.  If you are usually serious, try joking around and being a little goofy.  If you are normally the boring dinner date guy, DO SOMETHING FUN for a change.  I know the typical dinner date can be fun, but let’s face it, it’s usually not… at least when you first start dating someone because you just sit there and stare at eachother over half eaten food, trying to make conversation.  Why not go to a museum, bowling, hike, picnic on the beach, outdoor concert or even an improv show?  Take her to a hole in the wall instead of a chain at the very least.

If you want to find out if you are being unpredictable or you have a story or question email me at jamie@themysterykey.com and I’ll make a post about it.

Sincerely,

Jamie Thompson

Dating Coach

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Worst reason ever to want a relationship

…So it will make you happy.  No one wants to be with someone who isn’t happy already or who needs them to be happy except someone who is also unhappy who needs someone to make them happy… and guess what?  Those two will probably not be happy together.  If they are happy for a little while they will eventually go back to being unhappy and point finger at each other for being the one who made the unhappy person unhappy again.

Dysfunctional relationships happen when someone is looking for something in someone else that they don’t think they have in themselves and they want to use the other person to get it.  Trying to fill the hole with someone only makes the hole deeper.  Many times the person patches it up for awhile, but much like putting a band-aide on a gaping wound, it eventually doesn’t do the trick anymore and the wound starts bleeding.  It’s pretty graphic, but so is this hole we want to fill.  Then we get mad at the person who stopped filling it, blaming them for our hole!  Because they covered it up for a while we think it’s their fault that it’s still there.  No one can make you unhappy.  You are one who went searching for something to fill the hole, don’t be mad when all you find is dirt. :)

We have everything we really want already inside us.  Everything you think you want outside yourself actually can be followed back to a feeling you desire to feel internally.  When you can feel the experience that you wish to have internally more frequently you start resonating with more experiences that would have you keep feeling that way.  It’s like when you are in a great mood and having a wonderful attitude people are so nice and all is good in the world.  If you are having a bad day everything seems to suck and people are assholes.  The more often we live in the experience we wish to have, the more often we will notice things happening that cause us to feel that way.  This is no coincidence.  Like attracts like.  Birds of a feather flock together.  You get the point.

People want to be around happy people.  If you are being anything but happy, don’t go out looking for someone to change that for you.  Rather take a look at what the hell you think is so bad about your life.  A wise friend once told me “If everyone threw their problems into a pile and you saw your other options, you would want your problems back”.  Try being grateful. Try smiling.  Try laughing.  Try being generous.  Try making an animal noise. (that works for me every time) Just do something!

If you stop telling yourself a story how bad things are, you will find that there is happiness in that moment and in every moment.  It’s waiting for you to stop pushing it away.

 

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Relationship advice: Finding a happy relationship

I talk to clients of mine who come to me for relationship coaching and many of them are frustrated with their dating lives and who they are attracting.

For a very long time I was primarily a dating coach because I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I most wanted to hang out and have fun, doing as I please with no one to answer to. I thought this was better than being in a relationship because I had never had a great relationship. I looked around and saw that most people, including me, have crappy romantic relationships. Most people aren’t happy with their significant others, re: the divorce rate and cheating couples. As a whole people have settled for mediocre relationships. I just said relationships like 6 times. But that’s how much I love relationships! Never thought I’d say that. Now I’m transitioning from dating coaching to relationship coaching. Helping people find a rewarding relationship is the most rewarding thing I can do.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half and it’s been great. Once I realized I actually wanted a relationship I also realized I had a lot of issues around having one in real life. I felt like boyfriend meant someone got to tell me what to do, and that I couldn’t hang out with my friends. I was afraid I would have to hang out with him all the time and I would never have alone time again. What if he cheats or we have nothing in common? (the “what if’s” haunted me at night) I was afraid I would get bored and annoyed, like usually do, after a couple months. It’s no wonder I didn’t have a relationship! That sounds terrible!

I redefined what I wanted in a boyfriend. I even stopped using the word “boyfriend” because it had become such a negative word to me. I created what I wanted in a man and I was really specific about it. I wanted someone I could joke around and play with, someone who is as weird as I am, that I can share that side of me that I don’t let out in public places. Someone who knows everything about me and loves me anyway, in fact he loves me more for not being the image of perfection I think I should be. He loves my flaws. Someone who has a desire at the core of their being to grow and change and explore new parts of themselves and of life. We can grow together and support each other in moving forward. I could go on and on, but this is the kind of detail you must use to create what you want.

Then you have to FEEL those things happening right now. I felt what it feels like to be laughing uncontrollably about something that makes no sense to anyone else because it’s ours, it’s our joke and we are the only ones who get it or even care to. I felt cherished and content and loved and happy. All of this from a boyfriend?? Who would have thought!? :)

When you can feel what you want and you can feel it right now in this moment you are operating at the same vibration as what you want. You are always attracting into your life everything that is vibrating on the same level that you are. If you are trying desperately to find someone and you are not having any luck, it’s time to focus inward and see if you are yearning for someone to make you feel a certain way. This only invites more things to make you yearn. When you are happy you will find someone who adds to that.

After doing this work and living in the loved and happy fun place for a few days I met my boyfriend at a very unlikely place. We knew immediately. (They always say “you just know”. I didn’t know what that meant until I met him and I just knew.) We didn’t have to try that hard or force anything, it just flowed very naturally. If you are trying to force a square peg into a round hole, it’s not the right hole…no pun intended.

When you are ready, they will show up. When it’s right, it will be easy. If this isn’t the case, it’s time to take a look inside yourself at how you are feeling and take responsibility for what you are attracting. That is the simplest but best relationship advice I can give.

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Dating tips: Tension is your friend

As human beings, we associate tension with being uncomfortable.  The interesting thing is that “discomfort” is actually a positive thing.  Running from it means running away form what you want.  Take relationships for example: when you first meet someone, there is that energy that we often refer to as awkwardness that happens between two people who like eachother.  This awkwardness is tension and it’s a good thing.  It happens because of two things, without these two things there is no tension.  No tension = no second, third, fourth, 1000th date.

1. We care about what the other person thinks, does, and how they respond to us. There are differing degrees of how much we care, but we can all admit that the ones who raise our blood pressure are the ones we like the most.  Of course some dimwit you are on a first date with that is not that attractive to you, isn’t going to raise your blood pressure, and hopefully they don’t get a second date from you.  Good rule of thumb: if they don’t have an effect on your body chemistry, they aren’t right for you.

If no one ever makes you a little nervous, I am shocked at how incredibly shut down you are.  I thought I had seen it all! :) Perhaps you are, in fact, not a human being… but most likely, you haven’t met the right girl(s) yet!

If every girl makes you nervous, you need to become more comfortable around women, especially ones you are attracted to.  This comes from experience being around them.  No amount of dating tips will help you until you see women as people and are no longer intimidated by them.

2. We wonder what will happen next in the interaction, which is because we care.  This is also illustrated in watching a great suspensful movie or tv show.  When I watch The Walking Dead my heart pounds as I hope that a zombie is not waiting for them right around the corner.  This doesn’t happen for me when I watch Revolution.  Nothing happens to my blood pressure and I don’t really get nervous, I’m more focused on the flaws in the plot or characters.  It doesn’t make me wonder what was going to happen next!  Just like dating, when there is a healthy tension, unimportant or even important flaws can easily be over looked.  But when there is no tension, it’s all you can focus on.  This is why Revolution did not get a second date with me.

If she doesn’t care and she doesn’t wonder what’s going to happen next, there is no tension.  If there is no tension, there is probably no second date, relationship, or nookie for you.  So rather then run from the tension, move toward it with open arms and a closed mouth.  Drooling is not sexy.  This means if you feel nervous because the air between you is thick and there is an awkward silence and she blushes, it’s working!  You’re a human being who is navigating their way through the magnetic energy that occurs between two people when they are attracted to each other.  We don’t like it because it’s uncomfortable at first, but a piece of relationship advice, learn to appreciate the tension and relax into it.  It’s easy when you truly realize it’s a good thing!  Be ok with having perfectly natural human experiences.  They key lies in how you use the tension, not in trying to get rid of it.  Getting rid of it makes it boring.  Don’t be boring.  Embrace your humanity.

Dating tips and relationship advice coming up on tension and how it creates longevity and happiness in relationships.

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It all starts with the person in the mirror

We live in a culture of ambiguous lines and overwhelmingly large grey areas. People show up when they want, change plans, and never really say no to anything out of fear of either missing out because they let the opportunity pass by or hurting someone’s feelings in the process.  We don’t want admit weakness because we want to be perfect.  We don’t want to see our limitations because we would rather live in a fantasy world where we don’t have any.

Understanding and embracing our limitations and weaknesses seems to us like it would be limiting. Naturally. It’s not though. It opens and frees us up to where we are and where we can go. Many times we are not present to where we are as a starting point and therefore we have unrealistic expectations about where we can go. We end up living in a fantasy, thinking that one day we will magically end up at point B, without ever really knowing where our point A is. Truth is, it’s hard to create a clear vision of a destination when you are not honest about where you are starting from.

We think we are always just a couple steps away. If _____ (insert outside circumstance here) would just change I would have what I want. We are living in a fantasy that promises we will get there soon, but the fantasy never takes us there because it is a FANTASY. Definition of fantasy: the process of creating unrealistic or improbable in response to a psychological need. If you want to find a quality girlfriend and you haven’t dated anyone in a couple years, thinking that you can meet one this week might be a fantasy because unless you clear what has been in your way the last couple years.  If we are choosing to have something it’s real because a choice occurs in reality.  If we are wanting something because we don’t have it and we think we need it it’s a fantasy.

We won’t learn the things necessary to improve on our weaknesses if we can’t admit we have any. If you are anything like me, you like to be superman/woman and have no weakness or fear! YEA RIGHT. We are kidding ourselves. When we can be aware and accepting of our weaknesses and limitations we can accept new information that can support us in moving toward where we are going. If we aren’t honest with ourselves about where we lack we will deny the very thing that could help us because we don’t think we need it! This is a form of self sabotage and can end up being quite self destructive if done over a long period of time.  It stops our growth because we can’t learn something we think we already know.

If we have clear boundaries we can say no to certain things we don’t want which opens up space for the things we do want to come in. Many times we hold on to the things we don’t want in desperation because we want to have something to hold on to!

Perfect example that has all these elements in it happened to me recently. I was dating someone who I had created to be a fantasy. I filled in the holes (things that didn’t work for me about him) with my imagination and created the perfect Mr. Right Now in my fantastical brain.  At first when I realized what was going on, I was afraid to say be honest because I didn’t want to experience the discomfort of the situation that might have been created from being completely authentic about where I was at. Eventually, the fantasy shattered and I realized it wasn’t him I was dealing with; it was my made up, idealized version of him.  I let go of that fantasy, and while this guy is a great guy and would be attractive to many women, it became clear that the relationship should come to an end. Once I set a boundary and let go of the the relationship, it opened me up emotionally and energetically to the world.  Immediately new opportunities that I was not aware of before showed their faces and I realized how many options I had that I was hiding from myself because I was holding on to a fantasy.

 

 

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Change her mood, don’t change her mind

Women are primarily ruled by their emotions. When she is feeling happy she has a good day, when she is feeling sad she has a bad day. And if she is having a good day and her friend gets mad at her for no apparent reason or she feels fat, that good day can quickly turn into a not so good day. Many times women make decisions based on these emotional states instead of based on what they really want or what would make them happy in the long run. It’s like they get into an emotional conundrum and all sense of logic goes out the window. They make rash decisions like staying at home and eating Ben and Jerry’s instead of going out with their friends when going out would probably make them feel better.

If the girl in question is to be persuaded into going out it’s not going to be through giving her the logical argument of seeing her friends, meeting cute guys, and wearing that new hot dress she has. These things help but they are not the deal breaking decision maker. The decision maker is how she feels about going out. If her friends turn on music, pour some champagne, and give her an outfit to borrow she will be ready in no time. :) I speak from direct experience of living with 4 girls. We always used to do this to get one another interested in going out when we were slacking.

If a girl is having doubts about hanging out or going somewhere it might not have very much to do with you, it’s probably her mood. Don’t take her mood personally. The worst thing you can do is try to change her MIND when her mood is not in alignment. Either help her get into a happier place or wait until she is happier on her own, and then ask her to hang out and you might get a completely different reaction. When I say don’t try to change her mind I’m talking about logically trying to get her to hang out when she doesn’t feel like it. First get her to feel like it and then convince her to hang out. Sometimes women feel fat, they are having a bad hair day, or they are in a fight with a friend… any one of those things can make her not want to go. The opposite is also true. If she is in a great mood and has a ton of things to do the next day, she might stay up all night because she is having a good time.

The bottom line is don’t try to convince a girl to hang out with you, instead alter her mood and help her feel good about herself and maybe she will decide to hang out with you on her own. :)

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The Dating Community and Jamie Thompson: Los Angeles Dating Coach

This is an article one of my clients wrote.  It paints a picture of one man’s journey through the community and eventually my coaching process.  Enjoy! :)
I remember going through a very interesting stage in my life a few years ago. I was a full-fledged Community junky. On my lunch break, I would take advantage of the perfect California weather and approach women in Ralph’s, Whole Foods, you name it, and come back with all sorts of stories. I thought it was way cooler than the guys who would mostly just eat lunch either at their desk or with each other. I had only two problems: One, I had a tough time getting the girls I talked with, to meet up with me again. And two, the women in my own office seemed to really distrust me.
the guys in my office: Most of them were in relationships. I was single.
It was weird. When before I found The Community, I wondered why jerks got laid and I did not. After I found The Community, I wondered why Average Frustrated Chumps got laid and I did not.  (Average Frustrated Chump (AFC) is a term that Community guys use to describe the supposedly unenlightened guys not in The Community.) I came to see that the problem is with The Community itself. Guys are headed down paths that are not helping them. These are the three that, as I see it, are the most destructive.
1. Looking down on Mainstream Society and picking up habits that make you look weird. Everyone in The Community talks about how inept the average guy is with women. Actually, the average guy is decent. Not great, but decent. The average guy has a basic grasp on flirting, “making a move” physically, and chivalry. He can’t approach in the grocery store, but he sometimes can in bars, and eventually he is able to get a woman in his social circle to feel attraction and fall in love with him. The proof is out there–the planet has 6 billion people, and to the best of my knowledge, they aint here due to Immaculate Conception.
In fact, I would say that the average Community guy is *less* proficient with women than the average `Mainstream” guy. In the Mainstream, having sex isn’t that uncommon. In The Community, it gives you enough credibility to write an e-book and sell it for 39.95. Combine this with the fact that many guys in The Community hold a lot of disdain for Mainstream
society’s ways, and it becomes awfully easy for a guy coming in, to fall into ways of behaving that come across weird.
I’ll give you an example from my own life. Walking up cold to a woman whom you really want to meet, is a noble concept. Few people can do this, and not too many guys will even try, at least outside of a bar. Approaching a girl when you just have to is very powerful. The problem comes when we take this idea to extremes. Approaching every cute girl in sight is just weird and a little creepy, especially if you can’t read social situations and realize when you’d only be interrupting or embarrassing her.
I myself used to spend every lunch hour approaching women–the supermarket, Peet’s Coffee, you name it. I was pretty proud of my efforts and how this separated me from every other guy in the office. Well maybe they did, but the women in my office in particular didn’t seem impressed with me. Maybe they saw my behavior for what it was–validation-seeking to an unhealthful level. And seeing how few of the women I approached followed up with me, perhaps they saw it that way too. Meeting women had become my main aim, and Jamie helped me see that this was repulsive to the type of girl I was looking to meet, and that I would *not* get closer to my goals by doing more approaches.
It’s easy for a guy in The Community to come across as weird for another reason too. The Community’s focus is on trying to boil down human interactions to a method and formula. Routines and algorithms–when girl says x, you say y. This does make some sense–guys who are looking to get better and who are analytical find it easy to focus on specifics, and there is a learnable structure to solid social skills. However, what often happens is that guys in The Community are always so focused on saying the right thing that they come across as either stilted and in their heads (worst case), or too smooth and fake (best case) or somewhere in between. Either way the girl senses something is off and won’t follow through because she doesn’t trust the guy.  It’s amazing how although some things change, some things remain the same. Community guys are a lot like “nice guys” in that they are always in their heads, trying to be quote perfect-unquote in a sense.
However, Jamie lead me to understand the following in our work together: Many many a woman is with a guy who made all sorts of what The Community considers unrecoverable mistakes. The guy she is with isn’t necessarily that good-looking, smooth, and he often doesn’t even have what the Community calls “rock-solid inner-game”.  True, this guy is usually someone whom she works with or someone in her social circle. This is what is happening though: either by luck or accident, immediately or over time, she felt the guy’s masculinity or emotionally connected with the guy. That’s not to say that the woman necessarily chose wisely, or even that the guy she is with is good at meeting women. It is to say that imperfect real will win over perfect fake in the long run.
2. Becoming a Douche-bag. Yes, this is part of 1. just above, but I felt it deserved its own section. Everyone accuses the Community as being full of misogyny–hatred of women. Instead, I would actually say that The Community is really full of misandry–hatred of men. Women might indeed be objectified, but men–the 99 percent of them outside The Community anyway–are often put down.
Think of how most companies do their marketing. Usually it is about putting down average guys and getting an insurmountable advantage over them. I realize that we are hardwired to respond to this type of marketing due to our competitive instincts. Think of what it leads to though. Yes, a lot of guys who join The Community stop hanging out with other guys (or I should instead say, they never started in the first place) to focus on meeting women. An afternoon spent playing softball or basketball or just watching the game with other guys is considered a waste of time compared to prowling the local mall to approach women. Even worse, guys who join The Community start looking down on other guys and their ways, and instead focus on trying to outslick these guys to get their girls. They become the male equivalent of catty–their interactions with other men are all about getting an advantage over them when it comes to attracting the women.
It’s as if they are trying to cover their lack of male initiation with a bunch of techniques designed to win women. They actually instead become guys that other people (especially women) don’t really trust. I realize that it isn’t marketable to tell a guy that he needs to do what it takes for him to become comfortable in the presence of other men, but that might be precisely what he needs.
There is also something else going on that is a little more subtle. Many of us in The Community become takers in a sense. We spend a lot of energy, frankly, trying to get good at getting something from complete strangers who have something to give (i.e., attractive women). I did this when I was doing all those approaches. I had stopped growing really, and I had become pretty superficial.
3. Not getting the right things to work on. Well what are the right things to work on? Mainly getting comfortable in your own skin–not just in social interactions with women you might want to date, but also in interactions *with other men*, and in situations in life. The ability to straddle that fine line between being bold and respectful. Going for what we want unapologetically on the one hand, while on the other hand being able to read another person and being respectful of social situations.
The ability to build and maintain sexual tension. The ability to flirt, which is really about lightly making fun of a woman about something she said. A “nice guy” pretty much stays on the topic of conversation with the girl, and we all know where that leads–a nice logical friendly interaction. A guy who is good with women often breaks off the logical thread of conversation to tease and/or compliment her in this regard.
As for myself and my own growth, the work Jamie and I did together was crucial. Her coaching made me aware of the jumpy nervous energy I was projecting, and of the little gestures and tics that were conveying that. In fact, I discovered in our work together that I had layers of behaviors and mannerisms in this regard that I wasn’t even aware of in the first place, layers that were making me come across as fake and that were turning people away. We worked on peeling these away. Learning more techniques actually would have only hurt me at the time. I also had to take a look at the rest of my life and whether I was excited about it, and make the necessary changes. I had to look inward at my own aim.
Meanwhile, I wish you success on your own journey…
-Mike
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Dating Coach Los Angeles

People are always asking me to explain what I do.  It’s funny, because I understand what I do to the core of my being, and at the same time, explaining it has always been interesting.  In this entry I outline some differences between myself and the pick up community and I tell the truth about what I’ve seen.  You will see what I don’t do so that you can have a clear understanding of what I do do. Confused? :) The first step is don’t think about it too much.  In every client I’ve seen in the last 4 years, the process to becoming successful with women involves stopping the obsessive addiction to over thinking.

Some of you may be aware of the pick-up/dating & seduction community.  They teach everything from routines to mind tricks that can help you get phone numbers and plenty of action from the ladies, some companies even brag about guaranteed same night lays.  Some people find this to be very effective and for others it doesn’t work at all; for everyone they are left unfulfilled and lacking the true inner confidence and self-esteem needed to create long lasting relationships.  Women become  like a drug they need to get validation that ideally comes from within themselves.  When they get the drug they become excited and want more… this is the beginning of the end.  The inflated positive mental states are built on confidence borrowed from others and are not sustainable over time.

This is not meant to put down the pick up industry, and sometimes the truth is best understood when brutally stated.  Everything has it’s place and most things can work and have worked for people in the past. (If you believe that standing on your head for 5 minutes a day will help you get laid, even that could work.)  I’m sharing with you what I have seen directly through clients who have come to me after taking pick-up boot camps, reading endless pick up e-books, coaching with guru’s and of course my own direct experience with the industry, material, and the PUA’s I have met in it.

What the pick-up community is good for is learning what they call “Outer game” techniques that give you “borrowed confidence” from using field tested lines and games.  If you want instant gratification and to raise your numbers in the bedroom this is made for that.  There is no shame in wanting casual sex and wanting it now.  This can be a valuable and sometimes necessary stepping stone for many guys out there.

Some of the community is inching toward making an inner-game shift, but  the foundation is still based on manipulation.  While there are good coaches and programs out there, it will take something radical for the community to get to a place of teaching sustainable, authentic confidence that comes from the core of a man’s being.

Many of the client’s I have had came from somewhere in or at least heard of the pick-up artist community.  There is usually a mental exorcism process to undo much of the training they have had that made sense in their head in the form of concepts and ideas but never made it into their experience of themselves.  For example: A man learns black and white rules for when to touch a girl.  Then gets to the bedroom and has no idea how to be with a woman because he never touched her from his true masculine sexual desire.  There is not an actual connection with her sexually because it was like a robot doing what it’s programing told it to do.  This happens in many areas of the dating process in different ways.

The men learn from the community how to fake things from an egoic place to acheive self gratification.  They don’t get to have direct experience because they are doing “ego mimicry” of the real thing whether it be confidence, masculinity, or social calibration skills.  Ego mimicry is the mind’s way of copying the real deal, creating a replication of the real thing.  To an emotionally aware woman, it’s just a little bit off.   I heard someone say they felt like they went from being a scripted performer (doing scripted routines) to an improv performer (running mostly un-scripted tapes) but they still feel like a performer, like they were missing something.  That something is their true self.  The place where the agendas go away, thinking stops and you are simply present in the moment.  It’s the place where you are good enough with or without a woman.

If you haven’t figured this out by now, I am not a pick-up artist or pick-up coach.  I don’t even teach “inner-game” by the community’s standards.  What I teach deals with something different.  When the community says inner game they are still talking about the mind and the logical, linear learning process you go through in school.  What I do doesn’t involve the mind.  In fact the more you can set your mind aside the more you can access your core intelligence, true confidence and inner peace.  The mind, of course, thinks this is crazy because it’s ego protection thinks it is better then God and doesn’t trust anything but itself.  Your mind doesn’t trust your body.  Sometimes the process of truly changing belief systems and unwanted negative patterns can be disorienting for people because the mind had nothing to do with it!… [Continue Reading …]

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Pick up lines and approach tips for New Years Eve (and any other night)

First thing you want to do on New Years Eve ( and any other night you go out) is check out the environment you are in.  Knowing the venue, the type of people there, and your environment in general is always important.  Walk around like you own the place and notice what’s happening.  The frame to hold on New Year’s Eve is you are the mayor or the party host of the place and are meeting everyone.  A few key things to be aware of when you arrive are:

See what the guy to girl ratio is:  This lets you know how to most effectively approach girls that you want to talk to… I was out last night in New York I noticed that the guy to girl ratio was like 5:1 which is not very positive for a nice gentleman like your self who wants to meet a lovely lady, or a dude looking to hook up.  Either way… the way to approach a girl in a situation like this is very casual and friendly.  This is not the time to be direct and bust out your crazy line that you read on the internet that probably won’t work anyway.  If the girl thinks you are trying to hit on her you will be like all the other predatory tools that have tried hitting on her already.  Once you establish a connection you can be more direct and sexual, but only after you have befriended her.

Notice and connect with groups of girls you want to talk to:  Do this immediately.  If girls notice you walking around looking lost and being anti social you are seen as lower value then someone who seems to know everyone.  At the same time if girls notice you talking to other women on a casual level this automatically makes you safe and more attractive.  Talk to EVERYONE, not just the hot girls, nothing is more obvious than a guy to goes from group to group of hot girls and annoys everyone else.  I  If you have girls with you or girls you know that’s even better!  If not, just make friendly connections that are non-threatening with everyone.  Smiles, hellos, casual situational comments, are all great things to do as you are initially walking by.  This way when you want to come back later it’s not a cold approach anymore and they feel like they know you a little bit.

Notice the different areas in the venue:  It’s good to know where the bathrooms are, where the different bars are, and whatever other random things there are to see in the club so you can later lead girls you meet around and show her random things, take her to the bar, etc. and introduce her to the people that you met earlier because you were being social!  It always feels good as a woman to have a man who leads you through the night and keeps things interesting.  This will help her not get bored, in addition of course to your winning personality. :)

One thing that you have to remember on New Year’s Eve specifically is that every girl in that bar will be kissing someone at New Year’s and as midnight approaches they will be considering their options… just like you are!  This is the time to be more forward about kissing!  Girls be offended at you mentioning it, in fact you might do them a favor if they are not sure who their New Year’s kiss will be.  No one, absolutely no one wants to be standing alone on this night.  My recommendation is to KISS HER BEFORE midnight and playfully make a “deal” that you will be one another’s New Year’s kiss.

A few pick up lines for New Years:

If the club isn’t over crowded with dudes, it’s ok to be a little more direct… Situational is always easy way to go and you can feel her out before you go more sexual or direct.   Ask her to take a picture of you and your friends or hold your drink while you do it.  Playfully tease her about something you notice about her, preferably not about physical beauty.  (Someone asked me the other day if the rings on my purse were earrings.)  Very random and simple but it started a conversation.

“Hey, I don’t believe I’ve met you yet.”

“Not to be that guy that approaches you in the club but I’m going to be that guy…”

This one is super high energy and direct and takes some juevos to pull off… see it done by my friend Psych of psychofgame.com…

“Alright guys, which one of you ordered a male stripper.”

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