Dating tip from a dating coach: Be comfortable with being uncomfortable

We are always moving toward what we want or away from it, but there is no such thing as not moving.  Our culture is lazy and entitled and we think that things will magically happen or one day someone will just give us what we want.  Sometimes we get lucky and it happens all at once with what seems like no effort, but we paid the price somewhere along the way.  Being lucky is about working toward your goal and simultaneously being open for it to suddenly happen all at once.  If you haven’t put the personal work in on yourself to be in a place where you know you deserve to have what you are seeking you will unconsciously find a way to lose it or get rid of it.  This can happen with anything.  I used to have trouble having more than a few thousand dollars in my bank account at one time so I would subconsciously find ways to drain my money without realizing that’s what I was doing.

As a dating coach I have seen this a lot with people and dating. For example: I had a dating coaching client who was great at meeting women who were not the ones he wanted. He could never seem to meet the kind of girl he dreamed about.  When he found a woman who could potentially be exactly what he wanted, he took himself out by getting nervous and over compensating for his discomfort.  Normally he was great with women, so this was not a matter of knowing what to do or how to talk to girls, it was about him not feeling worthy of this woman even though she was what he was looking for.  After doing some deep personal work on issues he had surrounding deserving to have a happy relationship, he was able to line up what he wanted with his unconscious mechanisms that were repelling what he wanted, he met a lovely woman and has been in a happy relationship for over a year now.  After dealing with the issue that was swimming just underneath the surface he was able to feel good about attracting the right woman for him and there was nothing in the way of that happening.

Moving toward your goals is uncomfortable.  It’s not easy the way just letting our dysfunctional mechanisms run the show is easy.  It requires discipline and dedication while also being able to let it go.  When you let it go it can come back to you, if  you’re holding on to the fantasy of it for dear life, the real thing can’t come in to existence for you.

Growth requires us to be in a constant state of change. Change it uncomfortable.  If you’re not uncomfortable you’re shrinking.  So get uncomfortable.  Take a risk.

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Relationship advice: Finding a happy relationship

I talk to clients of mine who come to me for relationship coaching and many of them are frustrated with their dating lives and who they are attracting.

For a very long time I was primarily a dating coach because I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I most wanted to hang out and have fun, doing as I please with no one to answer to. I thought this was better than being in a relationship because I had never had a great relationship. I looked around and saw that most people, including me, have crappy romantic relationships. Most people aren’t happy with their significant others, re: the divorce rate and cheating couples. As a whole people have settled for mediocre relationships. I just said relationships like 6 times. But that’s how much I love relationships! Never thought I’d say that. Now I’m transitioning from dating coaching to relationship coaching. Helping people find a rewarding relationship is the most rewarding thing I can do.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half and it’s been great. Once I realized I actually wanted a relationship I also realized I had a lot of issues around having one in real life. I felt like boyfriend meant someone got to tell me what to do, and that I couldn’t hang out with my friends. I was afraid I would have to hang out with him all the time and I would never have alone time again. What if he cheats or we have nothing in common? (the “what if’s” haunted me at night) I was afraid I would get bored and annoyed, like usually do, after a couple months. It’s no wonder I didn’t have a relationship! That sounds terrible!

I redefined what I wanted in a boyfriend. I even stopped using the word “boyfriend” because it had become such a negative word to me. I created what I wanted in a man and I was really specific about it. I wanted someone I could joke around and play with, someone who is as weird as I am, that I can share that side of me that I don’t let out in public places. Someone who knows everything about me and loves me anyway, in fact he loves me more for not being the image of perfection I think I should be. He loves my flaws. Someone who has a desire at the core of their being to grow and change and explore new parts of themselves and of life. We can grow together and support each other in moving forward. I could go on and on, but this is the kind of detail you must use to create what you want.

Then you have to FEEL those things happening right now. I felt what it feels like to be laughing uncontrollably about something that makes no sense to anyone else because it’s ours, it’s our joke and we are the only ones who get it or even care to. I felt cherished and content and loved and happy. All of this from a boyfriend?? Who would have thought!? :)

When you can feel what you want and you can feel it right now in this moment you are operating at the same vibration as what you want. You are always attracting into your life everything that is vibrating on the same level that you are. If you are trying desperately to find someone and you are not having any luck, it’s time to focus inward and see if you are yearning for someone to make you feel a certain way. This only invites more things to make you yearn. When you are happy you will find someone who adds to that.

After doing this work and living in the loved and happy fun place for a few days I met my boyfriend at a very unlikely place. We knew immediately. (They always say “you just know”. I didn’t know what that meant until I met him and I just knew.) We didn’t have to try that hard or force anything, it just flowed very naturally. If you are trying to force a square peg into a round hole, it’s not the right hole…no pun intended.

When you are ready, they will show up. When it’s right, it will be easy. If this isn’t the case, it’s time to take a look inside yourself at how you are feeling and take responsibility for what you are attracting. That is the simplest but best relationship advice I can give.

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Make a first impression she will remember

You have less than 30 seconds to make a good first impression.  Most of the time after that impression is made the woman spends the rest of the time she is getting to know you rationalizing her first snap judgement.  She makes this quick judgement based on many things, one being your congruence with the social situation you are in and your social awareness.

Calibration is about understanding and operating effectively and appropriately to social situations and different types of people. This is absolutely necessary when learning how to make a good first impression with a woman.  What is great one time is way off the mark another time.  I was speaking at a dating convention and several guys approached me and some other women I knew there multiple times in the strangest of ways.  If someone had social calibration skills they might think something like “Well, I just saw this woman speak, and she is in fact a dating coach… is it APPROPRIATE to go pick her up with what I just learned? Probably not.” Clearly this necessary internal dialog was not happening.  If it wasn’t happening there in that little instance, chances are it’s not happening in their lives either.

I understand guys getting excited when they learn something new about how to approach a woman and they want to go try it out, and at the same time there is a time and a place to do so. A friend of mine was approached 3 times by the same guy who wouldn’t get it. Just not going to work!  Being less attached to nailing your target and more aware of who she is, what she is thinking and feeling, and your surroundings is important. If you can do this then many times you will see something that you would have missed.

When you can comment on something unique or notice something special about a woman that other people might not see or even be aware of, that is money.  Women have a strong desire to not be like anyone else and to be appreciated for who they are.  A beautiful unique butterfly, different than all the other butterflies out there.  If you are aware of social calibration you can pick up on things that might not meet the eye.  Commenting on things like this makes her feel as though you are different and therefore worth investing time and energy in or at the least she will be intrigued by you.

A great example of how to make a good first impression using callibration and and awareness of how the woman is feeling to gain investment quickly:

As I was leaving this very same convention, a coach from Australia I had never met said (with lots of eye contact, very very subtle sexual energy and confidence),
“You look like you’ve had a rough day.”
“Why do you say that?” (with an obvious smile)
“Cause you took your shoes off and put your hair up.”
“I guess I’m that transparent.”
“You’re hiding it well. I really feel for someone like you at this place.”
“Thank you.” (I exhale and relax a little)
“Relax a little?” (and motioned to a chair)
“I was gonna go, but I think that sounds good.” (would have been great excuse if I wanted to use it)
I smile and sit down and we talk for a while.

I felt really understood by him and safe because he was treating me like a person, not some target. He socially calibrated the situation and noticed how I was feeling… and led me somewhere else. This alone is amazing!  We ended up hanging out while he was in town and still talk every now and then. When a man notices how a woman feels it’s ON. It feels like sunshine on a rainy day.  Rarely men are tuned into the subtle feelings and nuances women experience all the time, so that is one thing that can set you apart from the rest when you are learning how to approach a woman.

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Taking Risks is Sexy

No risks, no goodies…  I heard that back in the day once and have found it to be true.  The times in my life when I have taken the biggest risks have also been the times when I’ve fallen flat on my face or had the biggest reward.  Falling flat on my face always served as a great learning experience so I have found that to be equally as valuable.  Many people never take risks and they live their lives within the confines of their comfort zone and they wonder why their lives turn out the way they do.  These are people who clearly don’t understand that taking risks is sexy. :)

I was talking to a guy who I had been seeing on the phone.  It was a very logical conversation and we had been disagreeing about  how to deal with a woman/man who is being rude to you in a social situation, men only wanting women for sex, and other “don’t go there topics”.  (For those of your reading these are ‘don’t try this at home’ topics.  It’s like when you see the guys on Jackass staple something to their body… like that, this is not a great idea.)  Naturally we had different opinions and we are both rather stubborn and strong willed at times so it turned into somewhat of a battle.  I got a little emotionally distraught because all my “walking in on my boyfriend while cheating on me with my best friend in the apartment we just moved into” triggers got fired and I felt insecure and uncomfortable and like this guy was just like all the rest of them…blah blah blah.  It came to kind of a weird standstill and he steered it toward how I was feeling. (Always a great place to go with a woman when things aren’t going well!)


I was honest about how I felt and he understood and didn’t judge what I was feeling.  In fact, he related with it! All of a sudden he shared something very personal about a specific situation where he felt disrespected, hurt, and not good enough for a woman he was seeing.  He went into detail and really opened up to me more then I would have ever expected from him.  ***I could feel what he was feeling which is how you know someone is actually being vulnerable rather then making up a story to seem vulnerable.*** It meant a lot to me that he was willing to share this with me and be so open about his feelings.  I knew this guy was not some overly emotional girly man, in fact he seemed very much “a man” to me.  My reaction was one of a feminine overload.  I know, I know what the hell is feminine overload?  Let me explain…

***Feminine overload is when a woman is feeling so much sexual/emotional energy in her body (usually induced by a man) that the woman sort of overdoses and turns into a puddle of adorable giggling radiance.  (I’m trademarking that, haha)  Sometimes she will make noises and say things that don’t make sense, or sing and dance around, other times she will want something sexual or cry for no reason… or all of these things at once!  This is the beauty of feminine energy in pure uninhibited form.  It doesn’t make sense.  This is why you love it. It’s foreign to you as a man, yet getting a woman to this place is like having a delicious piece of french chocolate when you haven’t eaten in days; it melts in your mouth and takes over your senses.  You don’t know what this place is but you love it, when you get a woman to be her most feminine self, you feel like your most masculine self. = Everybody wins.

If you never seen a feminine overload it’s probably because you have not created the space for a woman to feel safe and comfortable being herself to the full expression around you. (This is a whole different topic to get into.)  In general, women in our culture have learned to suppress their beautiful feminine radiance because it’s not “socially acceptable” or men can’t handle it.  We feel judged for this iratic energy and we don’t let it out very often, accept maybe around our best girlfriends or a few very, very trusted men, or when we are drunk.

… [Continue Reading …]

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Dating Success Stories: Just Be Real?

This is a little section I call "There's hope?  Dating Success Stories" where I share dating hope and inspiration to the weary souls out there.  Keep your head up and your heart open because you never know when it is going to happen for you.  

 

It all might start happening for you when you… …JUST BE REAL?

 

I had a client  who had everything going for him.  He was attractive, very financially stable, early 30's, great personality, confident… you name it.  The one thing that he struggled with was being real.  Or being authentic as I like to say.  When I was working with him I always felt like he was giving a sales presentation.  He had no problem with dating, but was attracting some superficial women that he wasn't that interested in on a deeper level.  

 

This didn't work for him because he wanted to find a relationship. We worked on connecting, letting the guard down, trusting, and being ok with people not liking him and looking stupid.  (A lot of times when someone is afraid of looking stupid, they put on a "fake persona" to try to keep it from happening.  This doesn't work very well because people can see right through it.  Think of someone you know who does this, you know they do it, but they don't think you know.) After a couple months, the arrogance was gone, and a wonderful man shown through underneath.  

 

was meeting all kinds of quality women and was really enjoying dating for the first time.  Then he met a special women, and after a few months of dating they spent Valentine's Day in Paris… they met one another's parents… and started to look into the future at how they wanted to plan a life together… and he is going to pop the question very soon. Maybe all it takes is being real with yourself and others…  When we hide out sometimes people don't get to see the best parts of us.

 

Love,

Jamie

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