4 keys to healthy relationships – Relationship advice

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Do you ever wonder how some couples are so happy together? They seem to have some key that is hidden from the rest of the world who are just getting by and getting divorced. Healthy relationships can be elusive to those who haven’t experienced them because of course they are trying so hard to have a happy relationship but somehow it isn’t working.

When I was in my early 20’s I remember seeing this one ridiculously cute couple whom I secretly hated. They were all kiss in public and pet names and yet they could easily allow the other to have a boys weekend or night out with her girlfriends, outside of the relationship. I on the other hand, was a hot mess. I couldn’t seem to find any sort of contentment inside of a relationship longer than a couple months. I thought I was doing something wrong or it just wasn’t possible for me. Then though my own trial and error and a lot of personal work I realized this: even when someone is a great match for you, it’s still a lot of work to keep things fun and fresh. No matter how easy and relaxed someone’s relationship seems, and whether they are aware of it or not, they are doing something behind the scenes to maintain it. Many of us learned this lesson along the way, but what specific things can you do? I’ve listed 4 main topics that I see out of balance in people who come to me with challenges in their relationship or relationships that don’t last. With this awareness one can start making steps toward a more fulfilling and exciting relationship immediately.

First take a pen and make a square. In each corner write one of the following: Communication, Vulnerablity, Fun/Activities, Sex. Then write a dot on each corner of the square. This would be what your relationship would look like if it was fulfilled in each of these areas: A balanced square. Write a dot where your actual satisfaction in the area is, the center of the square being zero and the corner where the dot is currently being 100% satisfied. Don’t over think it, go with your initial gut instinct. This exercise is a visual representation of what needs the most work in your relationship or what is out of balance.

Let’s start with communication. This was the first thing I realized I was not doing in my own short lived relationships. I wasn’t asking for what I wanted or even being honest with myself about what I desired in relationship. If this area has problems, issues in other areas are bound to arise because people undoubtedly have different wants, needs, and opinions about everyday things and if not shared or dealt with, they become repressed and turn to anger and resentment. Because it’s not always appropriate to share every little gripe and complaint with your partner, it’s helpful to have someone who is objective to support you in your relationship as well so you only go to your partner with things that you need to work out with them. It’s difficult to change the other areas I’m going to cover if communication isn’t established so this long winded explanation is why it’s the first building block to a healthy relationship.

First and foremost: most people’s communication in relationships is terrible. Just look at the nasty divorce pattern that we are seeing in more than 50% of couples who swear to spend the rest of their lives together. Whether or not they were right for each other is a whole different story but if the divorce is not amicable and no one is literally insane, it’s because there is a history of needs not communicated and the couple is harboring resentments toward one another. Believe it or not, there are some people who have very respectful divorces even in cases on infidelity when they learn to communicate with one another. In a time when the former is more common than the latter some people would call what I’m about to say radical communication.

One of the issues I see people bring up about communication is being afraid of asking for what they want for fear it will be judged or rejected or misunderstood. So here is an easy place to start. One thing that is tremendously helpful in communicating issues is the ol’ ‘I feel’ statement you may have learned in 2nd grade. Still extremely relevant and effective in adult relationships as on the playground basketball court. Starting your communication with “I feel _______.” instead of “You’re ________.” makes a difficult communication much easier to be heard.

Taking the ‘I feel’ statement to the adult level involves employing solution based communication instead of placing blame, simply complaining, or making your partner responsible for meeting your needs without even knowing what they are in the first place.

Example:
“I’ve been feeling distant from you lately. I miss our one on one time together. I was thinking we could go hiking and bring a picnic lunch this Saturday.”
-is a compelling invitation compared to-
“You never want to see me anymore. Do you even care?”

When communicating something challenging for your partner to hear be sure to take responsibility for your view of the situation and your part in it. If someone is accused of something they immediately get defensive even if they know what you’re saying is true. It’s important to LISTEN to their point of view as well because you may find you are doing something that is bothering them too. If you want to be heard you must be willing to hear others.

Note to be aware of:
Careful with never and always statements, those are rarely true and are accusatory in nature. “It feels like… or it seems like we haven’t spent as much time together lately.” are easier to hear than making your perspective the the truth by saying “You have been ignoring me.”

A tool to implement: SHARETIME
One thing I find very helpful to employ is something I call “Sharetime”. Sharetime is a structure for communicating tough stuff. One caution to starting something like this: if you have had little to no communication of the tough stuff to talk about yet in your relationship, seeking professional help to get the communication ball rolling can be very helpful. When issues are repressed there tends to be extra anger, resentment and sadness behind them and the issue itself may not be such a big deal but all the repressed emotion can be overwhelming to deal with on your own. Once “Sharetime” is created you can use it as a safe way to communicate things that might normally be challenging or hard to hear. “I want to have share time.” is a wonderful way to keep the communication present in a relationship and let your partner know you need to be heard.

Rules of Sharetime:
-Listen intently to every word your partner has to say about a subject before responding. Your intention is to understand what’s it’s like in their shoes.
-Use I feel statements. Don’t blame. Take responsibility for your perspective and your part in the issue and understand your way is not the only way to see it.
-Share with the intention of letting it go. It’s not about making the other person feel bad, it’s about saying what you need to say. ‘Getting something off your chest.’

Once someone truly feels like they have been heard and acknowledged for how they feel, it disappears. There may be layers of the same thing happening over and over again and not being communicated or past traumas but each time someone is truly heard another layer of trauma disappears and something new is possible.

Remember this is a life long process, you are never “done” until you’re dead. Communication is the gateway for getting your needs met and moving past old relationship patterns, and of course, creating happy healthy relationships both romantically and personally.

Next post I will cover the next key to happy relationships.

Relationship tips/relationship advice/relationship coaching/Los Angeles

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Dating tip from a dating coach: Be comfortable with being uncomfortable

We are always moving toward what we want or away from it, but there is no such thing as not moving.  Our culture is lazy and entitled and we think that things will magically happen or one day someone will just give us what we want.  Sometimes we get lucky and it happens all at once with what seems like no effort, but we paid the price somewhere along the way.  Being lucky is about working toward your goal and simultaneously being open for it to suddenly happen all at once.  If you haven’t put the personal work in on yourself to be in a place where you know you deserve to have what you are seeking you will unconsciously find a way to lose it or get rid of it.  This can happen with anything.  I used to have trouble having more than a few thousand dollars in my bank account at one time so I would subconsciously find ways to drain my money without realizing that’s what I was doing.

As a dating coach I have seen this a lot with people and dating. For example: I had a dating coaching client who was great at meeting women who were not the ones he wanted. He could never seem to meet the kind of girl he dreamed about.  When he found a woman who could potentially be exactly what he wanted, he took himself out by getting nervous and over compensating for his discomfort.  Normally he was great with women, so this was not a matter of knowing what to do or how to talk to girls, it was about him not feeling worthy of this woman even though she was what he was looking for.  After doing some deep personal work on issues he had surrounding deserving to have a happy relationship, he was able to line up what he wanted with his unconscious mechanisms that were repelling what he wanted, he met a lovely woman and has been in a happy relationship for over a year now.  After dealing with the issue that was swimming just underneath the surface he was able to feel good about attracting the right woman for him and there was nothing in the way of that happening.

Moving toward your goals is uncomfortable.  It’s not easy the way just letting our dysfunctional mechanisms run the show is easy.  It requires discipline and dedication while also being able to let it go.  When you let it go it can come back to you, if  you’re holding on to the fantasy of it for dear life, the real thing can’t come in to existence for you.

Growth requires us to be in a constant state of change. Change it uncomfortable.  If you’re not uncomfortable you’re shrinking.  So get uncomfortable.  Take a risk.

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Misery is a product of your own imagination.

Misery is a choice; it’s not even our natural state.  We have to work really hard at it!  But once we latch onto it, letting go can be quite difficult, like a baby on it’s mama’s teet.  We come from a source of infinite love and joy and that is our natural state. Our bodies start to break down when we leave that place consistently for long periods of time.  This is the root cause of much of the illness and disease our culture experiences today.

We are all born happy. This misery stuff is bull shit.  It’s a blatant choice to stick up your middle finger to your own natural way of being.  It’s leaving your hammock on the most beautiful white sandy beach in the Carribean, where you were getting a coconut oil massage from the sexiest person alive, and sipping an orgasmic fruity umbrella drink, for a nude dive with Gary Busey and Roseanne Barr in the sewer underneath Riverside, CA.

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Would you wish that upon anyone??  This is what you’re doing to yourself.  No one made you leave the beach, that was your choice.  You say, “I was fine and then I lost my job/wife/mojo/leg.”  If you lose your happiness BECAUSE of something outside yourself, your happiness is circumstantial and conditional; you can only be happy if particular planets are in alignment.  When things don’t go the way you want them to, you can have whatever reaction you need to, and simply move on or find the lesson and make the best of it.  That’s what happy people do.  Shit happens, and they go back to the beach.  They don’t swim in the sewer.

When you feel miserable you will defend that misery at all costs because you feel like you would only be this way for good reason, and if you are consistently miserable for a period of time it becomes a comfortable, addictive state. You can actually be addicted to suffering! When you’re running the suffering addiction pattern, someone who is happy is a threat to your misery.  So a miserable person will seek out other people, circumstances, and life events to perpetuate that feeling.  They are dwelling in the problems they have created for themselves and they want someone to join, because on some level they know this state of mind is their choice and they need agreement to make it ok to be choosing misery. They don’t have to be accountable to STOP suffering if the people around them are suffering too. This is why people say misery loves company.

When you are not happy and you want to be in a happy relationship you are putting an impossible expectation on your partner.  They are sure to fail, which will continue the vicious cycle of suffering.  Only you can choose to be happy, and you sure as hell can’t make someone else be happy either.  You can only be responsible for your self and let everyone else be responsible for themselves. WE ARE ALL 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN EXPERIENCE OF LIFE NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

We always have exactly what we want in life.  If bad things keep happening to you, there is a part of you that wants those things to happen, maybe there is something you need to learn that would end the cycle. Rather than pointing the finger at something outside of yourself for ‘making’ you miserable, own that shit. Adopt of mindset of responsibility and point that finger at yourself. “I’m choosing to make myself miserable about this.”  It kills the excuse of being a victim of an outside circumstance, you get to take back your power and, eloquently speaking, make that circumstance your bitch.  How silly is it to let yourself be miserable because someone cut you off in traffic, dumped you, or even if you get a terminal illness?  Why willingly give your power over to that life challenge?  Does that create a solution or just perpetuate the problem?  No matter what happens the only thing you have control over is the way you react.

There are so many inspiring stories of people who made the best out of getting cancer or loosing a limb. They find a way to accept their circumstances and in many cases they come out a happier person after what could have been a devastating life event.  Let people like this be an inspiration and don’t let anything or anyone take you from your white sandy beach.

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The Dating Community and Jamie Thompson: Los Angeles Dating Coach

This is an article one of my clients wrote.  It paints a picture of one man’s journey through the community and eventually my coaching process.  Enjoy! :)
I remember going through a very interesting stage in my life a few years ago. I was a full-fledged Community junky. On my lunch break, I would take advantage of the perfect California weather and approach women in Ralph’s, Whole Foods, you name it, and come back with all sorts of stories. I thought it was way cooler than the guys who would mostly just eat lunch either at their desk or with each other. I had only two problems: One, I had a tough time getting the girls I talked with, to meet up with me again. And two, the women in my own office seemed to really distrust me.
the guys in my office: Most of them were in relationships. I was single.
It was weird. When before I found The Community, I wondered why jerks got laid and I did not. After I found The Community, I wondered why Average Frustrated Chumps got laid and I did not.  (Average Frustrated Chump (AFC) is a term that Community guys use to describe the supposedly unenlightened guys not in The Community.) I came to see that the problem is with The Community itself. Guys are headed down paths that are not helping them. These are the three that, as I see it, are the most destructive.
1. Looking down on Mainstream Society and picking up habits that make you look weird. Everyone in The Community talks about how inept the average guy is with women. Actually, the average guy is decent. Not great, but decent. The average guy has a basic grasp on flirting, “making a move” physically, and chivalry. He can’t approach in the grocery store, but he sometimes can in bars, and eventually he is able to get a woman in his social circle to feel attraction and fall in love with him. The proof is out there–the planet has 6 billion people, and to the best of my knowledge, they aint here due to Immaculate Conception.
In fact, I would say that the average Community guy is *less* proficient with women than the average `Mainstream” guy. In the Mainstream, having sex isn’t that uncommon. In The Community, it gives you enough credibility to write an e-book and sell it for 39.95. Combine this with the fact that many guys in The Community hold a lot of disdain for Mainstream
society’s ways, and it becomes awfully easy for a guy coming in, to fall into ways of behaving that come across weird.
I’ll give you an example from my own life. Walking up cold to a woman whom you really want to meet, is a noble concept. Few people can do this, and not too many guys will even try, at least outside of a bar. Approaching a girl when you just have to is very powerful. The problem comes when we take this idea to extremes. Approaching every cute girl in sight is just weird and a little creepy, especially if you can’t read social situations and realize when you’d only be interrupting or embarrassing her.
I myself used to spend every lunch hour approaching women–the supermarket, Peet’s Coffee, you name it. I was pretty proud of my efforts and how this separated me from every other guy in the office. Well maybe they did, but the women in my office in particular didn’t seem impressed with me. Maybe they saw my behavior for what it was–validation-seeking to an unhealthful level. And seeing how few of the women I approached followed up with me, perhaps they saw it that way too. Meeting women had become my main aim, and Jamie helped me see that this was repulsive to the type of girl I was looking to meet, and that I would *not* get closer to my goals by doing more approaches.
It’s easy for a guy in The Community to come across as weird for another reason too. The Community’s focus is on trying to boil down human interactions to a method and formula. Routines and algorithms–when girl says x, you say y. This does make some sense–guys who are looking to get better and who are analytical find it easy to focus on specifics, and there is a learnable structure to solid social skills. However, what often happens is that guys in The Community are always so focused on saying the right thing that they come across as either stilted and in their heads (worst case), or too smooth and fake (best case) or somewhere in between. Either way the girl senses something is off and won’t follow through because she doesn’t trust the guy.  It’s amazing how although some things change, some things remain the same. Community guys are a lot like “nice guys” in that they are always in their heads, trying to be quote perfect-unquote in a sense.
However, Jamie lead me to understand the following in our work together: Many many a woman is with a guy who made all sorts of what The Community considers unrecoverable mistakes. The guy she is with isn’t necessarily that good-looking, smooth, and he often doesn’t even have what the Community calls “rock-solid inner-game”.  True, this guy is usually someone whom she works with or someone in her social circle. This is what is happening though: either by luck or accident, immediately or over time, she felt the guy’s masculinity or emotionally connected with the guy. That’s not to say that the woman necessarily chose wisely, or even that the guy she is with is good at meeting women. It is to say that imperfect real will win over perfect fake in the long run.
2. Becoming a Douche-bag. Yes, this is part of 1. just above, but I felt it deserved its own section. Everyone accuses the Community as being full of misogyny–hatred of women. Instead, I would actually say that The Community is really full of misandry–hatred of men. Women might indeed be objectified, but men–the 99 percent of them outside The Community anyway–are often put down.
Think of how most companies do their marketing. Usually it is about putting down average guys and getting an insurmountable advantage over them. I realize that we are hardwired to respond to this type of marketing due to our competitive instincts. Think of what it leads to though. Yes, a lot of guys who join The Community stop hanging out with other guys (or I should instead say, they never started in the first place) to focus on meeting women. An afternoon spent playing softball or basketball or just watching the game with other guys is considered a waste of time compared to prowling the local mall to approach women. Even worse, guys who join The Community start looking down on other guys and their ways, and instead focus on trying to outslick these guys to get their girls. They become the male equivalent of catty–their interactions with other men are all about getting an advantage over them when it comes to attracting the women.
It’s as if they are trying to cover their lack of male initiation with a bunch of techniques designed to win women. They actually instead become guys that other people (especially women) don’t really trust. I realize that it isn’t marketable to tell a guy that he needs to do what it takes for him to become comfortable in the presence of other men, but that might be precisely what he needs.
There is also something else going on that is a little more subtle. Many of us in The Community become takers in a sense. We spend a lot of energy, frankly, trying to get good at getting something from complete strangers who have something to give (i.e., attractive women). I did this when I was doing all those approaches. I had stopped growing really, and I had become pretty superficial.
3. Not getting the right things to work on. Well what are the right things to work on? Mainly getting comfortable in your own skin–not just in social interactions with women you might want to date, but also in interactions *with other men*, and in situations in life. The ability to straddle that fine line between being bold and respectful. Going for what we want unapologetically on the one hand, while on the other hand being able to read another person and being respectful of social situations.
The ability to build and maintain sexual tension. The ability to flirt, which is really about lightly making fun of a woman about something she said. A “nice guy” pretty much stays on the topic of conversation with the girl, and we all know where that leads–a nice logical friendly interaction. A guy who is good with women often breaks off the logical thread of conversation to tease and/or compliment her in this regard.
As for myself and my own growth, the work Jamie and I did together was crucial. Her coaching made me aware of the jumpy nervous energy I was projecting, and of the little gestures and tics that were conveying that. In fact, I discovered in our work together that I had layers of behaviors and mannerisms in this regard that I wasn’t even aware of in the first place, layers that were making me come across as fake and that were turning people away. We worked on peeling these away. Learning more techniques actually would have only hurt me at the time. I also had to take a look at the rest of my life and whether I was excited about it, and make the necessary changes. I had to look inward at my own aim.
Meanwhile, I wish you success on your own journey…
-Mike
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Women are people too- simple solution to making connections

Our blood is red, we turn color in the sun, we get nervous, we get jealous, we feel insecure around men who are attracted to. We are human beings just like you. Relating to us is not as difficult as you have been making it out to be. If you can connect with yourself you can connect with us.

The problem with today’s society is that people, especially men, aren’t necessarily taught to connect with themselves. Feeling their emotions is thought of as gay or weak, insert stereotypical judgement here _________. They learn to go into their heads and logically make up reasons for their emotions and figure out all kinds of things that make them feel smart, but don’t actually relate to the feeling itself. Then they wonder why they can’t connect with a woman who is more emotional than logical. They think about feeling, and even make up stories about feeling, but don’t actually feel because that would be uncomfortable and foreign.

Example: In session a client and I were role playing and having a conversation.
I say, “I feel like I get uncomfortable with too much attention. I like a certain amount but to advance in my career I would have to be ok with being in the public eye and having more people see me.” As I’m saying this, I got a little flushed, I looked down, and I got a little uncomfortable. This happened because I was feeling what I was talking about. In other words I was having a direct experience of what I was saying while I was saying it. This is vulnerable and it’s a way of opening up which in turn makes me accessible and real (because EVERYONE deals with the same emotions in different versions). This allows someone to connect with me on a deeper emotional level. This is an important part of feeling attracted to someone.

Client says, “I have a friend who said…. (wasn’t even relevant so I don’t remember). I used to feel uncomfortable, but then…. (some very logical solution to “fix” what I just shared) There was no emotional content in what he said, meaning I didn’t feel anything from what he said. The most enjoyable people to talk to are the ones who experience what they are saying when they say it. You can feel what they are feeling in what they are saying and that’s what makes the story interesting and allows you to connect to them. A list of facts is not memorable or even that interesting but a simple story with real emotional content grabs your attention and keeps it.

Another thing to notice is he didn’t validate my emotional experience or reward me for being open by showing any sort of vulnerability on his side. This makes me want to close down because I don’t want to be the only vulnerable one. If I share something personal it’s a form of investment, if there isn’t a good ROI (return on investment) I’m not going to keep investing. Unless I have some kind of issue, in which case you gotta ask yourself if you want my investment anyway!

What he did is a classic avoidance tactic human beings use: avoid feeling x by creating logical solution that sounds good but that we actually have no experience of.  Bad news is the problem x is still there hiding underneath a very smart solution. This is a whole different blog post. :)

Start to be aware of your experience so you can share it with others, and when you want to share effectively and have an impact, relive it in that moment. This is real and this is something women will not only connect with, but they will remember.

If you can connect with your experience you can connect with ours.

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“You is a very fluid concept right now.”

 

You may remember that line from the movie Hitch.  The beloved, adorable, and clueless Alfred was seeking relationship advice from "Hitch" the dating coach.  WIll Smith's character is teaching him how to dance and Alfred is not listening and is own thing.  He says "That's just not me! I can't dance like that."  And Will Smith says (in his dead pan delivery) "You, is a very fluid concept right now."

 

This is funny because many times clients will say things about what they will and won't do and who they are and are not.  The thing is if who you are currently being isn't giving you the results you want, you may have to alter who you THINK you are to attain the results you desire.  People change.  This is ok.  It's doesn't mean they lose who they are, many times it means they actually become MORE of who they are.  What makes change difficult is people tend to want to hold on to their identity they have created because their ego thinks that if it loses that precious personality you will die.  It thinks that (it being your ego construction of your personality) it is all you are, when in fact it's hiding your true self.

 

I'll tell you a little bit  about me in my early teenage years.  I was rebellious and stubborn and I made my identity out of opposing everything around me.  I basically disagreed with everything my parents and anyone in authority said, even if deep down I knew they were right.  Underneath the tough exterior was a lonely, scared little girl who wanted to grow up but didn't know how.  This is childish behavior that many teenagers start doing to learn who they are and it's necessary for their process in those years.  Some never grow out of it and into adulthood; they continue to do this childish oppositional behavior until they hit the grave.

 

On my path of personal development I realized that this rebel of sorts was actually NOT WHO I WAS.  I saw that it was something I made up because I was scared and lonely and I didn't feel like anyone understood me.  My personality that I had come to appreciate and had taken pride in, was actually created as a reaction to an emotional experience I didn't want to face.  When I faced these feelings I had buried I was free and my life got easier because I let myself become someone who wasn't so difficult to deal with.  People opened up to me more and received me a lot better… my ex-boyfriend said it best, "You used to be like sand paper and now you are like silk."

 

If we can let go of who we think we are we realize we can in fact have a say in creating who we want to be.  Many of the traits we have we developed in a highly emotional state as young children.  It's time to update the software, it's not 1982 anymore!

 

Much of our personality is molded out of wanting to feel worthy and good enough.  I had a session with a client who came to me for relationship advice; he wanted to learn how to get a girlfriend.  I told him to amp up the sexual energy and feel his attraction for the woman we were working with.  He actually said he's just not comfortable with being sexual and creating sexual tension with women.  I asked him why he was here and if he would like to let that go.  He stopped and realized what he has just said, and that he would have to give up that belief about himself if he wanted to move forward.

 

To sail to new oceans, we must be willing to leave the shore behind.

 

 

 

 

Jamie Thompson

Los Angeles Dating Coach 


Specializing in giving tips for shy guys, relationship advice, and real life solutions about how to meet women, overcoming approach anxiety, and gaining confidence around women they are attracted to.  For more information on how you can get started with coaching email Jamie@themysterykey.com.

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Successfully meeting single women in Los Angeles

The First Date Diagnostic

 

If you want to meet single women in Los Angeles and you are not having the success you desire, The First Date Diagnostic is about getting to the root cause of your dating frustrations.  This is not a quick fix, routine, or the holy grail.  It is, however, an opportunity to see how you are killing your chances with women and and stop doing it once and for all.

 

In a nutshell, the First Date Diagnostic is a hands on, real world training session where men get to go on a simulated first date with an attractive woman and get feedback from one of Los Angeles' top dating coaches about what they can improve upon.   

 

What should I expect to happen?

 

The First Date Diagnostic has two parts: in the first part you are seated and served in a private environment much like you would be in a restaurant AND it's filmed with a high definition video camera.  You go through the date as you naturally would; getting to know each other, flirting and dealing with all the things that come up on a date.  

 

The second part is a feedback session with Jamie Thompson (LA's premier female dating coach for men) and the woman you went on the date with who happens to be a trained assistant.  You get to see exactly what's working and not working in your conversation skills, connecting ability, body language, sexual presence and tension building, mannerisms, and energy in general.  The women give your honest feedback, tools and solutions to the challenges you have with women in a very supportive, compassionate and safe environement.  You get real world practice and real solutions from real women.  It's a useful tool for anyone who would like to learn "how to date" or simply wants to get to the next level of connecting with beautiful women!

 

How does it work?

 

The way you do anything is the way you do everything.  Many if not most of your unconscious negative patterns, survival strategies, and bad habits are revealed in just this session.  Many times people find that there is some subconscious negative belief that is causing their problems with women.   These beliefs can and will be eliminated.  The video camera and the attractive women you are sitting across from brings up the same anxiety, stress, and negative patterns that comes up when you are on a real first date or talking to a woman for the first time.  Accept, now for the first time you have the opportunity to correct the behavior that doesn't work and make a new choice to better serves you.

 

What can I expect afterward?

 

After the First Date Diagnostic Jamie offers specific work shops, One-on-One coaching packages, fashion consultation sessions, wing woman outings, etc. tailored to you, and based on the areas you want to increase your skill set with women.  Some people really take in the feedback and get what they came for and go back out into their lives with confidence and a new found understanding of women.  Others continue with coaching and in a short period of time they find themselves easily getting phone numbers and attracting the women they want.  They find it easy to make enjoyable connections with quality women that lead to casual dating relationships or a more serious girlfriend.  Most importantly they have choice with women.

 

Sounds great, how do I sign up?

 

To schedule your first date diagnostic, email your contact information and what your main dating challenges are to Jamie for consideration.

 

Jamie@themysterykey.com

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Nobody Likes You Anyway

Ok calm down.  Before you start your "how dare you judge me, you don't know me" bit, let me explain… and if you are having that kind of reaction you may want to check yourself and see if your combative confidence is real or if you are covering up the fact that you are terrified that people don't like you like the rest of us human beings. :-)

 

Let's go back to the geneses of this silly but useful idea.  I once was a coach for a leadership program for a big company that had many participants in it who probably didn't really want to be leaders.  Many times as their coaches, we helped them get from point A to point B even when they were unsure, scared or flat out resistant.  I happened to be dealing with a rather stubborn gentlemen and I was all in a tizzy about it, it was a big deal to me that he wasn't listening and could not get through to him.  I was complaining about this to my coach, saying I couldn't get through to him and blah blah blah… my coach got really quiet for a minute and said something profound that changed my life.  When he said this time slowed down, and I could hear my heart beat.  Suddenly all these things I had never done became possible and I felt a new found sense of adventure and courage.

 

He said, "YA KNOW JAMIE, HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU ANYWAY.  IN FACT HE PROBABLY NEVER WILL.  SO JUST GO MAKE A DIFFERENCE WITH HIM AND DON"T WORRY ABOUT IT."

 

It took me a second to hear what I just heard.  My "who do you think you are?!" entitled, feisty, righteous, inner-bitch snarled inside for a moment and then something happened.  I started laughing.  Hysterically.  If he didn't like me anyway then it didn't matter what I said because I wouldn't be worrying about whether he liked me or not.  Takes a step of self-conscious thought right out of the equation!  I felt a load had been lifted.  The burden of worrying about being liked is about as heavy as it is ineffective.  You can worry about many things in your life, a few of which will happen.  No one on the planet successfully MADE someone like them by worrying about it.  They either do or they and you have very little to do with it. 

 

My coaching style began to shift then; I accepted that I had no control over someone's opinion of me.  The best thing I could do for someone is tell them the truth even when I thought they would judge me for it.  And, the best thing I could do in life is release myself from the chains of judgment and live my life the way I wanted to live it.  Takes off the pressure of being perfect!

 

This quickly spread like wildfire throughout the coaching body and we began calling each other and leaving voicemail reminding one another that "surveys show 99% of people don't like you" or "I asked everyone is Whole Foods and they all say they don't like you", etc.  It became a slightly twisted inside joke.  This is hilarious because it's true.  We all have judgments about people, especially ones we just meet, and most people are judging people more often then they are not.   

 

You can spend you life trying to make people like you as I had been doing with the participants in the leadership program who were resisting leadership OR you can just accept that THEY PROBABLY DON"T LIKE YOU and give yourself some freedom!  Have some fun and loosen up.  Think of how different your day tomorrow would be if you stopped caring so much about what people thought of you and did what was right for you?  You have been wondering how to approach a girl or what to say?  Doesn't really matter if you're not trying to make her like you, right?  That girl that you have been had all that approach anxiety about, you know the one… ya, she might not like you either.  So now you can stop worrying about what she thinks and go say hi!   

 

As it is with many opportunities, if we are afraid of judgement of others we will never amount to much, we won't stretch ourselves and get out of our own way.  There is so much brilliance left unturned due to the unrealistic compulsion to be sure everyone likes us.  YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY BE THE ONE PERSON ON THE PLANET WHO EVERYONE LIKES.  So stop trying to be and let yourself have some fun.

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San Diego Dating Coach

I get many people asking me about what I do as a "San Diego Dating Coach" and how it works so I figured I would outline it on here to give everyone a basic understanding…

 

I work with people in more then just "dating".  I work with them to better understand themselves, social situations, connecting with others, and attraction.  Most people who come to me are not satisfied with their current circumstances in dating and relationships. They want more fulfilling interactions with the opposite sex or in some cases to start having interactions at all with the people they are attracted to.  Many times there are issues with self-confidence, understanding how the opposite sex differs from them, and having the courage to be themselves or getting what "themselves" really is.  Many of my clients talk about "freezing up around women" or "having no idea why she isn't calling back" or being "comfortable around women they are not attracted to but getting weird around the ones they are" or "having approach anxiety"… the list goes on.  The bottom line is these people are not happy with their current dating life and they have the courage to do something about it.

 

It takes courage to change.  It's very easy to stay the same and let the current of life move you about in whatever direction it happens to go.  Coaching is for someone who is willing to "leave the shore they are standing on to find new seas."  You have to let go of your current behaviors and belief systems that are not serving you and do something uncomfortable and unfamiliar.  A coach can help you do this when you don't know what this looks like or how to do it.  That is our job… to instruct you in a way that you can move forward even when if feels difficult.  You have to be willing to be coachable and come with an open mind.  "Knowing" is the enemy, when you think you know something you cannot learn anything new.

 

 

What do I do?

As a San Diego Dating Coach I find the most effective ways of creating the results people want in their lives in dating and social situations is to put them in real life examples with real life women.  We practice the very things that are difficult in real life in a "safe" environment so they can see what they are doing that isn't working and make new choices that create the results they want in life.  If your difficulty is approaching we have you approach until it's comfortable, if your challenge is knowing what to say we help you think of what would be natural for you, if you lack confidence we work with you to create it.  Everyone has their own unique things to offer and it's important to create an environment where they can have their own true voice come through.  This is attractive and magnetic and after just a couple months their results have changed dramatically.  They find themselves dating more quality women, or dating all if they weren't before, women are calling them, they have more choice and are being selective instead of just taking whoever is interested in them, they start fulfilling relationships, they start having sex again, they can talk to women they are attracted to with ease, etc.  This affects every area of their life.

 

Sometimes all it takes is a San Diego Dating Coach to show you the way. :-)

If you or someone you know could use this kind of support, email me at Jamie@TheMysteryKey.com to set up a free consultation.

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The missing piece of “chemistry”

I've been working very closely with a client on the East Coast over the last few months and one of the challenges that he has when knowing how to approach a girl or move a relationship forward is creating tension.  When I told him what creating tension was all about he realized he had been unaware of what that even means and how to do it.  Many guys have seen other guys creating tension but have no idea how to do it themselves when approaching women, texting them, or hanging out on beginning dates.  I will start at the beginning… 

 

Tension creates chemistry… so what is tension?  

Tension is also known as "chemistry", but really tension is a lot of what creates chemistry between a man and a woman.  When the tension has a sexual undertone it creates sexual tension aka attraction between two people.  It's when two people are flirting and you can feel something between them that no one can really articulate but everyone knows is there.  You can tell these two people are not just friends, they are dating or lovers.  Tension is not a dating technique and if you use it like a strategy many times it will backfire and come across as creepy or fake.  It's something that occurs naturally between two people that are interested in each other on a romantic or sexual level.  However, you CAN learn to naturally create and manage tension!

 

The problem many men have is they are afraid of tension!  This becomes a problem because tension is exactly what they need to embrace for the women they are interested in to be interested in them.  When the man is holding the tension the woman can release it which makes her think of him as more then a friend.  Think about two people who are flirting… usually if the girls likes the guy she is giggly and smiley, releasing the tension through laughter, animated gestures, body movements, looking away, and what she says. The man can be creating and managing tension (the woman will do this a little as well) but her primary job is releasing it in her feminine expression.

 

If the man is afraid of tension or doesn't know how to manage it, he will usually laugh at things that are not funny, have nervous gestures and postures to let go of the tension, and start saying things that are looking for approval from the girl.  Don't turn into a smiley whiley!  Sometimes men see the tension as something uncomfortable and something to end as soon as possible.  They don't know what to do with it so they get needy and start seeking validation instead of meeting the tension head on and being happy that it's there.  Then they wonder why girls aren't interested in them as more then friends.

 

Nothing is more attractive then a man who is unapologetic about what he wants and taking risks for what he wants.  A great way to create tension is to be direct in your actions with her, your conversation, your opinions, and especially with compliments.  Take a risk!  If she doesn't respond well you know one of two very important things: She either isn't interested in you as more then a friend, which is good to know so you don't waste your time, or you didn't manage the tension properly with the risk you took.  With this information you can move forward in a productive manner… so you have nothing to lose!

 

One of the most polarizing and attractive things I've seen men do is give a woman a direct and authentic compliment and then look her right in the eyes and hold it until she looks away, giggles, or flirts back in some way.  If there is no authentic compliment that comes to mind, just say something bold.  The tension occurs when you sit there uncompromising in the polarity of the male/female flirtation, AND YOU WAIT for her to let go of the tension. … [Continue Reading …]

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