The Cooperation of the Sexes

In the battle of the sexes no one is safe.  Everyone is on defense.  Whoever wants it more loses and everyone is unhappy.  ‘Love’ becomes a competition and the death of true partnership.

old-manwoman-shadowsA man giving his attention to another woman can lead to his partner to think she needs to change her appearance to be like the model on tv.  A woman being cold in the bedroom can drive her partner right to the car dealership for a brand new ego boost.  They both still love each other very much.

How do we mend this old and tattered relationship model of making war out of love?

We come together in solution and union.  We become interested in how to support the other instead of how to beat them.  We care more about being happy than being right.  This is way more fun and far more fulfilling.

In the age of alternative relationships, independent women and sensitive men, we are moving into a place where it’s ok to have our own unique balance of masculine and feminine energy and style of relating.  More people are becoming aware that they have both male and female energies within, each coming with it’s own unique set of strengths and desires that make up a functional whole.  Dating and relationship coaching, relationship dynamics, and psychology being readily available has begun teaching people they no longer need to see themselves as pieces looking for their other half.

Let’s stop the war and give each other what we need.  Let us first realize what we personally need and learn to give it to ourselves.  Then we are available to receive what we want from a partner.  It’s a movement I’m calling the ‘cooperation of the sexes’.  In the spirit of cooperation let’s talk about relationship dynamics and differences.

Want to make a woman happy? 

Let her know she’s sexy AND that she is beautiful.  Feminine energy wants to be noticed both inside the bedroom and outside.  It likes to feel beautiful, experience pleasure and to be noticed by the masculine.  As a busy man it’s easy to get so caught up in achievement that you forget to appreciate the woman you’re with, and without realizing it you can easily add the insecurity about her own beauty that she may already be placing on herself.

If you feel like your lady is feeling down on herself…

Are you putting conscious attention on appreciating her?

Are you taking a moment to notice what kinds of things make her feel sexy and what kinds of things make her feel loved?

If you don’t know… ASK!

Instead of saying “Why are you boring in the bedroom?”, say “What makes you feel sexy?”

If a woman doesn’t feel special in her relationship and doesn’t know how to communicate that effectively, she looks elsewhere to fill that need.  This doesn’t necessarily mean cheating but it can lead to that.  Many times it just means getting attention.  It can also lead to shutting down sexually or withholding sex.  If she doesn’t learn to feel special and beautiful in herself, no man will ever be able to provide this for her and no amount of adoration will be enough.  Our culture perpetuates this insecurity with celebrity culture, TV, media and beauty products.  It’s time for men and women to come together to dismantle the ‘beauty validation shadow’ that has been created, so that the feminine can reclaim it’s divine essence which is true & innate beauty.

And how do we make a man happy? 

 Tell him he’s the man!  Honor his man hood.  Male energy wants to feel useful.  It likes action and to be of service to the feminine.  Men just want to know what to do to make you happy so they can go do just that.  As a highly capable modern woman it’s easy to unintentionally emasculate a man by being so self-sufficient that he feels unimportant and unnecessary in your life and looks for ways to be of service to the feminine elsewhere.  This makes a woman angry… and the vicious cycle creating the battle of the sexes begins.

 If your man’s attention is waning…

Instead of getting mad and pulling away sexually, ask some questions.

How else can you support him in feeling like your man in the bedroom and in life?

Maybe you could ask him about what makes him feel like the man.

Are you receiving his attempts to honor you?

 Underneath it all men cheat because they are trying to find someone who thinks they are important, somewhere their presence matters.  For many men they don’t feel useful to THEMSELVES so they keep looking for their value in other women, never feeling satisfied.  When he doubts his masculine worth, many times he withholds love.  Ladies, you can help by letting him know he’s valuable and respected, allowing him to carry the suitcase, drive the car, fix the computer, or whatever his way of serving may be.  Most of all men love when you ask them for help and trust them with your vulnerability.

*Sometimes men carry a lot of feminine energy and they frequently display feminine energy’s characteristics and visa versa.  This does not mean anything other than we all have a balance of both male and female energies within us and being a man doesn’t necessarily mean we have mostly male energy.  Wherever your balance sits is perfect for you and there are other people out there whose balance is a great match for yours.

The silent killer of relationships

I’m the master of pretending I don’t need anybody.  I’ve done it so much I unintentionally convinced myself and many of my partners that I don’t need them, that I have it all together, and they need to measure up to my personal standard of perfection.  Naturally, this leads to people feeling like shit.  My personal standard of perfection is terrifying and impossible for anyone to achieve.  The interesting part is this couldn’t be further from the truth about how I actually feel.

I also have insecurity that is covered up by pretending to be confident when I’m not.  What I really want is for someone to see who I really am and still love me.  Bingo.  That is the one thing we all crave.    No one can love us in spite of us if we don’t let them see us.  After becoming aware that my standard of perfection was being held up for my partner, I’ve been making a conscious effort to share my soft spots instead of cover them up, allowing her to love me anyway.  This has brought us much closer and my honesty has allowed her to feel more confident in my presence.  For those who have perfectionistic tendencies like I do, it takes a conscious effort to be vulnerable.  It will mean the world to your partner and to your relationship.

In the battle of the sexes women and men are different

Sometimes with opposing needs and desires

But in the cooperation of the sexes we see the other as a mirror

Teaching us about our own male and female energy

Learning to interact with our partner is learning to interact with ourself

Finding balance in our relationship is finding balance within ourself

Our partner is showing us what we need work on

When we see it this way, we stop blaming them for not giving us what we need

We begin giving ourselves what we need

If we do this internally and they are not an external match for it, they will either step up or step out

Making space for someone who is a match

The divine marriage emerges from inside

Share

How having fun could save your relationship – Relationship Advice

images-7The third thing I see hindering relationships of clients who come to see me is couples aren’t out there having fun together. It’s easy to get stuck in the mundane of the every day and forget to do things that bring out what made you like your partner from the beginning.

 Staying out of the seemingly inevitable rut
At some point in all relationships there is a pattern that starts to occur.  You fall into a routine of doing that same things together.  This can start to seem boring.  Until you shake it up!  Sounds great right? But how? Think about when you are the most attracted to your partner. What are they doing when they are truly in their element?  What makes them radiate happiness?  What gets them out of their head and enjoying life again?  What turns you on? Maybe they are super sexy when they play that old guitar they haven’t brought out in months or when they are on a little getaway.  Maybe you like seeing her dressed up? Well give her a reason to!  Plan a special date night to somewhere you know she likes.  Does she talk about how much she likes sushi or concerts or a spa day or dancing or little trips or painting or hiking or just cuddling on the couch together watching a movie?  Find out what she likes doing and if you don’t know it’s time to start asking questions. This one thing can save a relationship.  When you try new things together it brings back the spark of newness. Even if something isn’t new individually, it can be new together.

Importance of creating together  
If you’re not careful your relationship can become about your pain.  It can become about the problems that arise and not about the creation of a partnership you want to be a part of.

*** Fun exercise: Try writing a list of 20 things you would do with your partner if time and money were no issue.

You can have her do the same thing! Now see how you can do mini versions of those things, or even the whole shebang for some of them. You will be surprised at the automatic resistance we put up to doing new things without actually considering how we can make it work. Rather than saying “It’s impossible because (your favorite excuse of time/money/tiredness) ask yourself “How can I make this happen in my life this month?”

*** Fun exercise Part deux: Have you and your partner create a list of what you want in a relationship and compare! You may find that you have more things in common than you think and you can start making an effort to give your partner what they want rather than assuming they want the same things as you do.

My man keeps me on my toes
Something I love about the man I’m currently seeing is he comes up with all kinds of fun things to do.  We inspire each other to do new things and push each other to grow.  From concerts to new food to artistic ventures to little getaways, he’s always surprising me with something fun.  One time I said “Let’s go to Mexico this weekend.” And he said “Ya, let’s do that.”  This was Wednesday. We left on Friday.  It was amazing.  In a relationship where you never know what you expect and you’re being surprised by the other person consistently it never feels old and mundane.  See how you can wow your partner.  See what would push the boundary of who they think you are or of your relationship?  This is where growth occurs. When boundaries are pushed and it feels just a little uncomfortable.  Next stop, try this in the bedroom.  Bedroom blogpost coming up next week. :) 

 

Relationship coach Dating coach Relationship tips Relationship Advice Dating tips Los Angeles Dating Coach Los Angeles Relationship Coach

Share

Vulnerability – your secret weapon (Relationship advice)

4 keys to healthy relationships: 2nd Key is Vulnerability

images-1The second thing happy couples have that I find missing in people who come to me with relationships on the rocks is vulnerability.  I’m putting this in a separate category as communication because you can have good communication and still not share the deep stuff.  The deep stuff is what bonds us together and makes us really trust certain people and feel comfortable around them. When we show someone our true self and they still love and accept us, we immediately feel more love for them.  When they open up to us it also draws us closer.  This is why family and childhood ties can be so deep.  This is why it can be really hard to let a past partner go – vulnerability creates attachments.

We associate our level of relationship based on how much we reveal to someone and how much they reveal to us.  This is the same reason that the very first night I met my current partner I felt like I’d known him for years. Very quickly I felt like he knew me better than all my family and any of my childhood friends.  Vulnerability causes attachments and bonds that run deep so when a relationship has vulnerability present there is a very palpable bond between two people.

There is an article I posted on my Facebook page: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html

In this article it talks about how there is a science to falling in love.  As much as we want to believe it’s magic, it’s really not, or at least not entirely.  They say if you ask these 36 questions and stare into the eyes of a complete stranger for 4 minutes uninterrupted you are well on the road to falling in love.  I’m glad there is proof to this now so people can research it when I say that going deep and asking personal questions in dating is a good idea.  By the time you are in a committed relationship keeping this kind of sharing going insures your longevity and closeness with one another.

If you start sharing more personal things about yourself and your feelings and past experiences with your partner they will start doing the same thing.  It’s called investment.  When one person invests, it’s natural for the other person to feel more comfortable investing as well.  Somebody has to get the ball rolling and pretty soon it becomes normal to be sharing the deepest parts of yourself with the one you hold so close.

If you or your partner isn’t willing to invest, they may have a wall and it can take time to break that down but it’s important that you take the time to work on it.  You can give them space to do so and maybe encourage they talk to a professional relationship coach about it first if there is a particular past event they are uncomfortable sharing.  Make sure they know you love them and you want to love all the parts of them, even the ones they are uncomfortable sharing.  If you’re concerned about sharing something really personal sometimes having a professional help facilitate the conversation is helpful.  The point is to start sharing more with each other.

Los Angeles Relationship coach. Los Angeles Dating Coach. Relationship advice. Dating tips.

Share

Dating tips: Tension is your friend

As human beings, we associate tension with being uncomfortable.  The interesting thing is that “discomfort” is actually a positive thing.  Running from it means running away form what you want.  Take relationships for example: when you first meet someone, there is that energy that we often refer to as awkwardness that happens between two people who like eachother.  This awkwardness is tension and it’s a good thing.  It happens because of two things, without these two things there is no tension.  No tension = no second, third, fourth, 1000th date.

1. We care about what the other person thinks, does, and how they respond to us. There are differing degrees of how much we care, but we can all admit that the ones who raise our blood pressure are the ones we like the most.  Of course some dimwit you are on a first date with that is not that attractive to you, isn’t going to raise your blood pressure, and hopefully they don’t get a second date from you.  Good rule of thumb: if they don’t have an effect on your body chemistry, they aren’t right for you.

If no one ever makes you a little nervous, I am shocked at how incredibly shut down you are.  I thought I had seen it all! :) Perhaps you are, in fact, not a human being… but most likely, you haven’t met the right girl(s) yet!

If every girl makes you nervous, you need to become more comfortable around women, especially ones you are attracted to.  This comes from experience being around them.  No amount of dating tips will help you until you see women as people and are no longer intimidated by them.

2. We wonder what will happen next in the interaction, which is because we care.  This is also illustrated in watching a great suspensful movie or tv show.  When I watch The Walking Dead my heart pounds as I hope that a zombie is not waiting for them right around the corner.  This doesn’t happen for me when I watch Revolution.  Nothing happens to my blood pressure and I don’t really get nervous, I’m more focused on the flaws in the plot or characters.  It doesn’t make me wonder what was going to happen next!  Just like dating, when there is a healthy tension, unimportant or even important flaws can easily be over looked.  But when there is no tension, it’s all you can focus on.  This is why Revolution did not get a second date with me.

If she doesn’t care and she doesn’t wonder what’s going to happen next, there is no tension.  If there is no tension, there is probably no second date, relationship, or nookie for you.  So rather then run from the tension, move toward it with open arms and a closed mouth.  Drooling is not sexy.  This means if you feel nervous because the air between you is thick and there is an awkward silence and she blushes, it’s working!  You’re a human being who is navigating their way through the magnetic energy that occurs between two people when they are attracted to each other.  We don’t like it because it’s uncomfortable at first, but a piece of relationship advice, learn to appreciate the tension and relax into it.  It’s easy when you truly realize it’s a good thing!  Be ok with having perfectly natural human experiences.  They key lies in how you use the tension, not in trying to get rid of it.  Getting rid of it makes it boring.  Don’t be boring.  Embrace your humanity.

Dating tips and relationship advice coming up on tension and how it creates longevity and happiness in relationships.

Share

It all starts with the person in the mirror

We live in a culture of ambiguous lines and overwhelmingly large grey areas. People show up when they want, change plans, and never really say no to anything out of fear of either missing out because they let the opportunity pass by or hurting someone’s feelings in the process.  We don’t want admit weakness because we want to be perfect.  We don’t want to see our limitations because we would rather live in a fantasy world where we don’t have any.

Understanding and embracing our limitations and weaknesses seems to us like it would be limiting. Naturally. It’s not though. It opens and frees us up to where we are and where we can go. Many times we are not present to where we are as a starting point and therefore we have unrealistic expectations about where we can go. We end up living in a fantasy, thinking that one day we will magically end up at point B, without ever really knowing where our point A is. Truth is, it’s hard to create a clear vision of a destination when you are not honest about where you are starting from.

We think we are always just a couple steps away. If _____ (insert outside circumstance here) would just change I would have what I want. We are living in a fantasy that promises we will get there soon, but the fantasy never takes us there because it is a FANTASY. Definition of fantasy: the process of creating unrealistic or improbable in response to a psychological need. If you want to find a quality girlfriend and you haven’t dated anyone in a couple years, thinking that you can meet one this week might be a fantasy because unless you clear what has been in your way the last couple years.  If we are choosing to have something it’s real because a choice occurs in reality.  If we are wanting something because we don’t have it and we think we need it it’s a fantasy.

We won’t learn the things necessary to improve on our weaknesses if we can’t admit we have any. If you are anything like me, you like to be superman/woman and have no weakness or fear! YEA RIGHT. We are kidding ourselves. When we can be aware and accepting of our weaknesses and limitations we can accept new information that can support us in moving toward where we are going. If we aren’t honest with ourselves about where we lack we will deny the very thing that could help us because we don’t think we need it! This is a form of self sabotage and can end up being quite self destructive if done over a long period of time.  It stops our growth because we can’t learn something we think we already know.

If we have clear boundaries we can say no to certain things we don’t want which opens up space for the things we do want to come in. Many times we hold on to the things we don’t want in desperation because we want to have something to hold on to!

Perfect example that has all these elements in it happened to me recently. I was dating someone who I had created to be a fantasy. I filled in the holes (things that didn’t work for me about him) with my imagination and created the perfect Mr. Right Now in my fantastical brain.  At first when I realized what was going on, I was afraid to say be honest because I didn’t want to experience the discomfort of the situation that might have been created from being completely authentic about where I was at. Eventually, the fantasy shattered and I realized it wasn’t him I was dealing with; it was my made up, idealized version of him.  I let go of that fantasy, and while this guy is a great guy and would be attractive to many women, it became clear that the relationship should come to an end. Once I set a boundary and let go of the the relationship, it opened me up emotionally and energetically to the world.  Immediately new opportunities that I was not aware of before showed their faces and I realized how many options I had that I was hiding from myself because I was holding on to a fantasy.

 

 

Share

Releasing the sex kitten from it’s cultural cage

I am writing this to clarify a myth that is old and outdated but people still use it much like those who won’t give up their beloved blackberries. hehe  The myth is “All men want is to hook up and all women want are relationships”.

Where does this come from?

It goes back to our very biology.  Women are programed at a biological level to mother and take care of her offspring to ensure the human race continues to exist.  Naturally with this as a core level function for being here a woman wants to be with one man so when she starts hatching little ones someone is there to provide for them while she stays at home in the tipi to raise the kids.  She has to be selective with who she allows to impregnate her because she can only pop out so many of these creatures in a lifetime and each baby takes a lot of responsibility, but most of all because the man warriors are not created equal.  Some husbands are more likely to survive a buffalo attack and bring home food so her children don’t starve… re: she wants one that can beat a buffalo in a fight and bring it home for dinner.

Meanwhile men are running around wanting to spread their seed all over the village to carry on their name, so they get aroused every time a sexy maiden with a nice hip to waist ratio walks before them in a raw hide skirt.  Men are programed to want multiple sexual partners, thus creating a bit of tension between the genders.

So biologically speaking the myth is correct.  Men want to hook up and women want relationships.  That said, as a culture we have come a long way since buffalo and rawhide skirts.  In recent years women and men have explored different dynamics of our human psyche and we are not victims of our biology anymore.  Men find themselves happy and satisfied with one woman and women find themselves enjoying multiple partners.

The denying of the female sexuality…… [Continue Reading …]

Share

Sexual Tension + Chemistry = Attraction

Chemistry happens in the pauses, tension is built in the silence and seduction happens without words… It’s a pregnant pause where eyes meet for longer then necessary, a brush of the finger tips at the right moment, a regular phase spoken with a sexual undertone, a knowing half smile noticed by no one but the girl it was meant for… The question is why to guys spend so much time babbling on about things that mean nothing, thinking this will somehow seduce the woman in front of you? We are taught to think that is how we get to know one another, and that without talking about all this fluff we don’t really connect with another person. This simply isn’t true.

There is some truth to “getting to know” someone on a social level and talking about your likes and dislikes, career, favorite places to go, etc. These things create commonalities that make it easier for us to relate to each other logically. This also serves as an excuse to like someone… You have heard people say “We have so much in common” or “We have nothing in common” as a reason to be attracted to someone or not. A good reason is all it is, but it’s not the cause. Being attracted to them has much less to do with how much you have in common and more to do with chemistry and sexual tension between two people. Think about it. Have there been times you were attracted to someone that was the complete opposite of you, yet there was something magnetic and sexy about that person so you were attracted to them anyway? This happened DESPITE the lack of “commonalities” as we know them. There was something else that you were attracted to.

I was working with a client and my lovely assistant yesterday and we realized there was no access to become attracted to him because he was constantly talking. His energy was chaotic, busy, and all over the place. In the exercise we were doing he was working very hard to ask questions and keep the conversation going in hopes that there would never be an “awkward” pause. He successfully covered all the bases of the things you are supposed to talk about and was a pretty good conversationalist. Turns out despite all his attempts at connecting on subjects that they had in common, he never did connect/create chemistry with her. She said she felt like he was always thinking of the next question he would ask, therefore not really listening to what she was saying. You can only connect with someone in the present moment. Until we learn how to be in two places at once, you cannot be in the present moment and in the future thinking of what to say at the same time. Because of his continuous talking and trying to keep the conversation going there was no sexual tension built in the silences. If he shut up for a second he would not only build some tension but she would also keep the conversation going! Then he wouldn’t have to work so hard.

What actually causes attraction?… [Continue Reading …]

Share

Taking Risks is Sexy

No risks, no goodies…  I heard that back in the day once and have found it to be true.  The times in my life when I have taken the biggest risks have also been the times when I’ve fallen flat on my face or had the biggest reward.  Falling flat on my face always served as a great learning experience so I have found that to be equally as valuable.  Many people never take risks and they live their lives within the confines of their comfort zone and they wonder why their lives turn out the way they do.  These are people who clearly don’t understand that taking risks is sexy. :)

I was talking to a guy who I had been seeing on the phone.  It was a very logical conversation and we had been disagreeing about  how to deal with a woman/man who is being rude to you in a social situation, men only wanting women for sex, and other “don’t go there topics”.  (For those of your reading these are ‘don’t try this at home’ topics.  It’s like when you see the guys on Jackass staple something to their body… like that, this is not a great idea.)  Naturally we had different opinions and we are both rather stubborn and strong willed at times so it turned into somewhat of a battle.  I got a little emotionally distraught because all my “walking in on my boyfriend while cheating on me with my best friend in the apartment we just moved into” triggers got fired and I felt insecure and uncomfortable and like this guy was just like all the rest of them…blah blah blah.  It came to kind of a weird standstill and he steered it toward how I was feeling. (Always a great place to go with a woman when things aren’t going well!)


I was honest about how I felt and he understood and didn’t judge what I was feeling.  In fact, he related with it! All of a sudden he shared something very personal about a specific situation where he felt disrespected, hurt, and not good enough for a woman he was seeing.  He went into detail and really opened up to me more then I would have ever expected from him.  ***I could feel what he was feeling which is how you know someone is actually being vulnerable rather then making up a story to seem vulnerable.*** It meant a lot to me that he was willing to share this with me and be so open about his feelings.  I knew this guy was not some overly emotional girly man, in fact he seemed very much “a man” to me.  My reaction was one of a feminine overload.  I know, I know what the hell is feminine overload?  Let me explain…

***Feminine overload is when a woman is feeling so much sexual/emotional energy in her body (usually induced by a man) that the woman sort of overdoses and turns into a puddle of adorable giggling radiance.  (I’m trademarking that, haha)  Sometimes she will make noises and say things that don’t make sense, or sing and dance around, other times she will want something sexual or cry for no reason… or all of these things at once!  This is the beauty of feminine energy in pure uninhibited form.  It doesn’t make sense.  This is why you love it. It’s foreign to you as a man, yet getting a woman to this place is like having a delicious piece of french chocolate when you haven’t eaten in days; it melts in your mouth and takes over your senses.  You don’t know what this place is but you love it, when you get a woman to be her most feminine self, you feel like your most masculine self. = Everybody wins.

If you never seen a feminine overload it’s probably because you have not created the space for a woman to feel safe and comfortable being herself to the full expression around you. (This is a whole different topic to get into.)  In general, women in our culture have learned to suppress their beautiful feminine radiance because it’s not “socially acceptable” or men can’t handle it.  We feel judged for this iratic energy and we don’t let it out very often, accept maybe around our best girlfriends or a few very, very trusted men, or when we are drunk.

… [Continue Reading …]

Share

Way of the Superior Man-David Deida

People always ask me what I recommend they read.  This is one of the only books I recommend men read because most everything gets you even more in your head and isn't really necessary for your growth.  You already have enough information to be successful, if you just learned HOW to use it properly!  While this could also get you in your head if you think about it too much I think it's information is valuable enough to make it worth it… and don't get in your head about it. :)  Please note, David Deida is a better speaker then writer so the audio book is better in my opinion.  Plus, you can listen to it while you drive if you don't have much time to read.

The concept is a great and very important one to get… The very thing that makes women and men attracted to each other is the differences between them.  Getting this basic biological truth can answer the question "how do I meet girls" on a very fundamental level.  The male and female energies are opposite and one needs the other to be a complete energetic circle and actualize itself in physical reality.  We all have both energies in us.  But there is a primary energy that we relate with, for most men is the masculine energy and most women it's the feminine energy.  We all know some people who don't fit this of course.  Some men are more comfortable in the feminine and they are going to be more attracted to a masculine woman and visa versa.

 

Understanding these energies is important for your growth and learning how to meet girls because you could be doing things that are getting in your way and hurting your chances with women.  This is about really understanding yourself which is an important starting point in your development.  If a woman can't feel your masculine presence she will not choose you as a lover.  She may think you would make a great friend, but not a lover.  She wants a masculine man because it opens her to her own feminine self which is where she is the most happy and fulfilled.  Many men become afraid of their own masculinity, power, and sexuality, also known as the dark side or shadow material.  The shadow material is all of your best stuff that you have judged and repressed because you think it's bad or dangerous. 

 

Simply coming into relationship with this dark side can unleash your attractive male energy that draws women in.  Many times I've seen men find it through coming into relationship with their anger.  The part of themselves that they think is dangerous or evil is the most attractive part!  You can begin to become honest with yourself about what you are angry about and feel that. (example: you let your ex-girlfriend walk all over you).  Your ex walked all over you because you let her.  She couldn't feel your presence and so she did what she wanted.  There were no boundaries for her to push up against so she just kept going and going.  The Way of the Superior Man goes into this in depth.

 

When you had some core masculine energy and a backbone to support you she knows she cannot get away with walking all over you so she simply doesn't do it.  What's even better is she becomes more attracted to you, and there begins a healthy, happy relationship.  I have had experiences with a man who was relaxed in his male energy and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever felt.  It's a woman's dream…

Share

The first date rules – Speed dating 102

This is for the ease of the male logical mind.  Frequently guys want specific things and pointers, so here you go!  This is my list of specific pointers about what worked and didn't work about the men my friends and I met speed dating.  This stuff applies to a first date or speed dating (because speed dating is similar to a first date.)

 

First date rules:

 

What is your body language like?  Sit up in your chair and take up space.  Let your body be fluid and neutral, not stiff and rigid.  If you leaning too far forward it feels like you are over bearing and reaching for a connection which is needy and unattractive.  It shows discomfort with your self and like you are looking for validation from her.  If you are leaning too far back or your head is tilted up so that you are looking down on her, it feels like you are "Joe Cool" and you are not really interested, arrogant, or you have something to prove.  Underneath you are really a scared little doggy, (which is what arrogance is really about) and she may be clear enough to see that too.

 

How much are you smiling?  There is a friendly smile that says "Hi, I'm here to get to know you, and so you can get to know me.  I might be a little nervous, but I'm ok with that and it's not going to stop me from having a good time and connecting with you."  That is what you want to communicate.  If you smile nervously it's because you are not accepting your own nervous feelings and they are leaking out through your body.  Guys who are too smiley make great friends, but don't usually make it out of the dreaded friend zone.  If you don't smile at all you seem stiff, boring, and too serious for a first date which doesn't make a great impression about how fun and exciting you are for future dates.

 

Whose talking?  There should ideally be somewhere around 50/50 as far as how much each person shares about themselves.  Most girls are totally comfortable if they talk anywhere between 50-60% of the time.  Girls do love to talk, and this doesn't mean that you sit there and ask questions and she answers them.  Do not go into job interview mode.  5 minutes seems like a long time to get to know someone when they are just asking you questions after question.  If she says something you know about or have a comment about, say it!  Keep it going back and forth.  The best conversations are the ones which are started about one thing and then end up talking about something completely different because both people are sharing.  I don't think I have to say this, but don't be the guy who just talks about himself the whole time.

 

Is it fun?  Chances are if you are having fun, then she is too.  If you are only pretending to have fun because in reality you are bored or scared or not present, she is definitely not going to be having fun.  Remember that if you have fun yourself it is contagious.  First dates can be humorous and light hearted or they can be serious and boring.  Save the sob stories and the drama and your deep issues for later (or never for some of them).:D  Keep it light, while still showing her you have a deeper side, right now you are relaxed and enjoying yourself.  This comfort will communicate and she will be more comfortable with you too.  Eat, drink, and be merry on your first date or when you are speed dating, in other words.

 

I hope you found these first date rules helpful.  I know there are many more I could include… if there is anything I missed or you have questions on don't hesitate to ask!

 

 

 

 

Share