Did you put on your woman repellent tonight?


They are selling it at your local Ed Hardy T-shirt store.  Like these lovely specimens on the left, most men think they know what to do with the ladies… even if they don’t. It’s difficult to know what you are doing wrong, but easy to identify it in other people.  Most men put on their favorite cheesy drinking t-shirt and give it the old college try, just like they did the last time they failed miserably at the bar.  Maybe this time the outing can be more educated, after all you’re not in college anymore.

I will only say this once.  Do not wear Ed Hardy gear, it is about as attractive as dousing yourself in a blend of sheep, cat and llama pee.  Burn your Ed Hardy clothing, don’t even give it to the homeless.  They deserve better.

There are many things guys do when out at the bars that make women want to throw up in their mouth.  If you can’t identify these 3 types of guys, then you may be dangerously close to being one of them so pay attention.

 

1.  Stage 1 Creepers

Ricky Ricardo and the constant creepers stand stiffly in the corner with their drinks, robotically eye molesting at all the girls in the bar like transformer gagatrons.  These guys are extreme but every girl knows what group I ‘m talking about because there is one in every bar.  Guys, you are better off socializing with the girls they are attracted to or staying home and saving your money!  Heavens to Betsy, don’t just stare at them or do the awkward shifty eye wink.

Even if you say hi to a girl and it doesn’t go anywhere, it’s nothing to take personal because if you leave a good impression and you see her later it’s easier to continue and conversation where you left off, then start from “Hey, I was staring at you for about 3 hours over there in that corner and I just had to come say hi…”

 

2.   Eager beavers

Women shudder when they walk up and again when they walk away.  They are the overly excited puppy dog gang, searching for any thing with female parts to latch onto, waggling their little tails about the bar. (yes, I said waggling)  These guys act like they have never seen a girl before, or maybe like they just railed some high octane methamphetamine, or both.  Perhaps you could try sedating yourself before entering the establishment.

Girls can sense when a guy has not been around girls.  It appears like they have an ankle braclet they give parolees on house arrest and it shocks them with a certain edgy nervousness any time someone with lovely lady lumps enters a 30-foot radius. I know she’s gorgeous guys, but it’s good to get used to hanging out with and being normal around girls as friends.  Treat them like you treat your guy friends, they are people too!  If you put women in some special superior category you will act weird around them.  A man is more desirable if other women desire him so even bringing out some of your girl friends is a good idea too.

 

3.  Too Kool McGoulds

They take longer to get ready than me when I’m being slow.  They only talk to those who are a part of their double x secret club.  They wear scarves in the summer and over wax their man brows.  When an attractive girl smiles at them they pretend not to know or care, suffering from delusions that this makes them appear famous, rich, fabulous, and therefore more attractive.  That look she shot you was your in!  Their withdrawn arrogance is a facade and everyone sees it but them.

If men have their guard up like this all the time, women are going to match it and be closed and cold, armed with their bitch shield to protect them.  Both parties want to get to know each other but neither will get off the cool train, so it quickly becomes a stale mate situation.  Pretending she doesn’t exist makes her wonder why you are so inaccessable for about 4 seconds and move on to another.  You leave the bar with your scarf and your bar tab and no one on your arm.  Flirting with a girl and being engaging turns her on and it’s a lot more fun for you because you get to do something other then pretend to be cool.

In your next bar outing, leave these three personalities at home and try being friendly, fun, and social.  Go out with some friends, maybe even some girls you know.  Give the open and flirtatious way a shot or the old college try, whichever you prefer. :)

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How to not be taken advantage of by women.


I recently heard someone say the first cue that a woman is trying to take advantage of you is that she has breasts.  There is some truth to that statement.  One of the ways women find their power when they think they have none is through manipulating men. Every girl gets her heart broken and ego demolished at some point, it’s like a rite of passage into woman hood.

For me, I was 17.  Just moved in with my first boyfriend whome I was head over heels in love with.  I got in a car accident at like 2 am up some crazy mountain road and I needed someone to come pick me up.  I call and call but he doesn’t answer.  I have a weird feeling in my stomach because I have my mother’s intuition and I can sense when something is wrong.  Finally, one of my friends drove an hour to come get me and took me back to our  apartment where much to my dismay, he wasn’t there.  I knew what was happening but I didn’t believe it.  Later on, I ended up finding out that he had been cheating on me with a friend of mine for about 6 months.  I was devastated and more than anything I felt stupid because I cared for him so much.  He begged me to take him back and I did…but I was never the same to him again.  In the back of my mind I knew that I was going to teach him a lesson; Miss Jamie wanted her power back.  I noticed that when I was withholding my attention from him inadvertantly because my feelings were hurt, he was making up the difference and paying more attention to me in turn.  I knew that it was becoming more and more over for me, but I let him continue to do this because I didn’t to give him the chance to hurt me like that ever again.  He damn near went crazy trying to make it like it used to be.  One day I ended it because he was so paranoid about me cheating (never did happen) and I became unattracted to him.

I learned a few lessons about relationships:

1) I can use withholding my attention to gain power if I feel like it’s lacking.

2) Men will break my heart if I let them have the power.

Every woman out there has some story, some moment where she felt used, stupid, unloved, or betrayed by a man she was in love with who she thought would never do such a thing to her.  They want to get back Johnny Heartberaker and the male race for breaking their heart when they were a teenager.  So women learn to withhold sex and attention from men and use them as weapons of mass destruction to the male ego.  Men play into the game by trying to get what they think they need from women.  They spend countless hours in the gym and going out hitting on girls trying desperatly to be cooler and more attractive so the ladies will give them the sex and attention they so desire.

Are women just compulsively seeking control? (One lovely fellow asks)

It depends, for some it’s to protect themselves from being humped and dumped by someone they really care about, and some women get obsessed with this.  What starts off as an intention to protect herself from being hurt like she was in the past can turn into a compulsive control strategy.  Power is like a drug, some people do it a few times and realize it’s not for them and others become crack heads living on the street, robbing their mother to get their next fix.  So for some girls the club is their crack pipe and men are the rock.  Turning men who want them down becomes a sport, and even an addictive behavior.  Women will go as far as dangling the promise of her sexuality in front of his face while men take them on vacations and extravagant dinners without ever planning on giving it to them.  I’d be lying if I said I haven’t ever done that… and gained a temporary satisfaction from it.  Some women, and this happened for me, feel empty inside.  Then we do to emotional rehab and stop trying to use men for our own temporary false gratification.  I have and I know other women who have turned down free stuff, money, vacations, expensive dinners, and jewelry; sometimes even free drinks, when they could have easily taken these things because they didn’t want to lead a guy on.  That is being responsible with their power.

To those who already hate women and are looking for one more reason to continue doing so: Don’t take the truth I’m telling and go on a woman hating rampage trying to get them back, because you are adding to the vicious cycle.  She hurts you and you get her back or the other way around and it just keeps going and going… until you stop playing that game.  There are better games to play than getting entire female race back for the careless actions of one or two girls.  Men and women both are just trying not to get hurt.  When you can see what she is doing you can stop playing into it, while having compassion for her position.  Just stop trying so hard to get her attention, don’t hate her for wanting it.  We are all in the same boat here.

At some point you stop the power struggle and realize that no can take something away from you that you don’t need from them.  If you need anything from anyone, they have power over you.  If you are willing to let go of that thing you think you need, there is no power to be taken from you.  No one can take it if you don’t give it to them.  We are human and if we could do this 100% of the time we wouldn’t be, but it’s a path to start on.

Remember when you start needing anything from a woman you are in trouble.  You can hate her for not giving you what you need or you can take responsibility for taking care of yourself.  If you want her to validate you, validate your self instead.  If you need her to validate you with her attention she can use that against you.  If you don’t need her attention but you would like it that’s a different story.  When I want it to be sunny and it’s not I’m bummed for a few minutes and then I get over it, understanding that there will be many more sunny days in Southern California!

Shout out to my friend and fellow coach Walter Durham and Project North Carolinawood for deepening my understanding of what men are going through, and how all pick-up artists are not bad people.  They gave me the idea for this post. :)  You can find out more about Walter: http://masterpickupartists.com/.

 

 

 

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Manswers: Pretend for just a minute that you’re not only into my vagina


There are a few things that having a one track mind gets you.

1) Dumped.

2) Laid for 1-4 times, then dumped… maybe 5 if you’re really good in the sack.

That is if you can even get the girl in the first place.  There are two main extremes of guys who are only after the pun-tang.

1) The player: the guy who slept with your sister, and her friend, and…your aunt Eileen?!

On one side they are very self expressed about it and they are not afraid to let any girl know that they are on the prowl for one thing.  In fact many times they are proud of their mission to get laid.  And these guys do get laid.  They might not be happy and fulfilled, and neither are the girls they are sleeping with.  Most of the time they do not open themselves up emotionally which makes it difficult to have fulfilling relationships.  These guys don’t usually start searching for something more meaningful until they have a midlife crisis where they realize that all the supermodels they have banged only temporarily fill the void they feel inside.  It takes them a long time to really experience the emptiness they feel because they can easily mask their vacant core with all the ladies coming and going through their revolving door.

Playahood can be a necessary stage…

Sometimes guys need to go through some sort of a player phase like this to realize they want something more.  It’s hard to battle a really high level of testosterone until they have seen the way they feel when their life is run by it.  They eventually realize that they aren’t getting what they want through all the shallow relationships.  What they crave internally is something deeper and more intimate.  This is when the man hangs up his player hat and looks for a more meaningful relationship; and if they are ready for it they start attracting more quality women that they could take home to mama.  This is really an act of self respect because if you are disrespecting women, you know you are showing that same disrespect to yourself.

 2) The creepy guy: the guy who wants it really bad but never gets it…not even Aunt Eileen.

The other type is guys who are ashamed of wanting to get laid and they try to hide their sexual desires and make everyone think they are really nice and sweet.  THEY THINK if girls only knew how much they wanted to get all willy nilly in the bedroom with them, they would never even talk to them!  These creepy guys are resentful and get down on themselves when girls put them in the friend zone and they don’t get any, they are jealous of the guys to just go out and get it.  Many times these guys join the dating community to become sex machines like the more outgoing “player” vagina hunters.  Sometimes they are successful and when these guys become good at taking girls home many times they eventually get depressed because it isn’t what they always fantasized it would be like.  This is baffling and frustrating because even with all this new validation they think they will never be happy.  This is usually when they become pick-up coaches. :) And sometimes at this point they start realizing that they aren’t getting what they really want and they try something new.

Most of my clients are the second type of guy, whether they made it to the community or not they realized that wasn’t the route they wanted to take.  They wanted something fulfilling and real.  I teach them that there is a different way to go about dating where they accept themselves as they are, without trying to put on an act of what they think an attractive man should be.  They stop performing; if people want a performance they will go to a play.  I help my clients  look for relationship instead of self-gratification.  Relationship starts with their relationship with themselves, what they feel internally is what they will manifest in a woman so we go to work on dealing with and erasing negative programs and creating positive ones.

 

The Perfect Mix: guys can respect themselves and women and still get laid?? Manswers asks…

The answer is yes you can.  Some guys naturally have the desire and ability to create deep connections with women.  Of course they get laid in the process but it is not their quest in life.  Because they aren’t attached to getting laid, they find it happening easily.  Every one down deep in their heart of hearts wants to feel close and intimate with the opposite sex, and further have someone more “special” to them than all the others.  I believe this is the number one cause of pain in our culture today.  Men and women want deep connections but many have no idea how to find them.

The people who get it and are able to experience deep connection with others are not afraid to be vulnerable about their pain.  They aren’t ashamed that they are not perfect.  We relate to each other through our imperfection.  They are looking for someone else to share their experiences, hopes, fears, dreams, feelings, passions, etc. with and they are not afraid to put that stuff out there.  Ultimately we all want someone who will know everything about us and like us anyway.  The ones who get this attract the healthiest, quality women into their life… and of course there is plenty of vagina along the way.

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Don’t Mistake Friendliness for Wanting Your Magic Stick


If you are seeking validation and attention starved, an egomaniac who thinks everyone adores you, or you’re simply ignorant and unaware. it’s easy to turn a polite conversation with a girl into something entirely different.  You can do this if you want but don’t be surprised when she doesn’t get the memo.  It’s easy to simply not see what is really happening when you don’t know what signs to look for.

The other night I was out with some friends and we met some guys, one of which was really digging my friends program.  She is a nice, non-confrontational person and his group of friends seemed to be the most entertaining to say the least, so naturally she was going along with it.  At one point there was another guy hanging out near us and she left “Magic Stick” to talk to him.  “Magic Stick” then got jealous and stole her attention back.  When it was time to go he asks her to hang out and she says, “Let’s all hang out sometime.” and they exchange numbers.  Later he asks her to hang out and she ignores his call and texts.   I rolled my eyes when she told me he wanted to meet up with her for drinks the a few days later because I knew exactly what had gone on just by observing the nights events.

 

 

2 things happened that are dead giveaways that she does in fact NOT want your magic stick:

1- She left as soon as another opportunity arose that she could still stay near her friends and not have to talk to “Magic Stick” anymore.  If the two of you have been talking for a while and she is really into you she isn’t going to turn around and talk to the guy behind you…that was the dead give-away.  Girls won’t usually go too far from their friends unless they are really hating life.  If their friends are having fun many times they will endure the social discomfort of being hit on by someone they aren’t into and make friendly conversation.  Sometimes, and in this particular case they will play along with it and even fuel the fire for fun until someone else conveniently shows up.  There is nothing wrong with this, many interactions that happen in bars and social events are like this because LIKING SOMEONE AT A BAR AND WANTING TO HANG OUT WITH THEM AGAIN ARE TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT ANIMALS.

Acting out of jealousy never gets the girl.  If leaves and you get jealous and go find her you have just locked in a pattern that doesn’t serve you.  The pattern is she runs and you chase her, just like 4th grade (some things never change.)  So remembering back to 4th grade, what happens when you don’t chase her?  She comes walking right back up to you to see why the hell you didn’t chase her!  The game we are still playing today began with a boy and girl on a playground.

2- “Let’s all hang out sometime” is a boner killer.  Let it be a boner killer.  Let it go.  It means she just wants to be friends, at least for now.  The dead giveaway is A-L-L.  When a girl says “Let’s ALL hang out sometime”, it is girl code for “You’re cool and I’m probably down to hang out again BUT I don’t want to hang out with you alone.” Let that sink in next time you hear something like that and respond accordingly.  Not every girl has to be a hook-up, you can have female friends as well.  Who knows, through her you might meet someone you have mutual chemistry with.  If you keep it casual and lay off, showing her you aren’t going to try and jump her bones there could future outings.  She might even appreciate the space you have given her and start liking you!  I’ve personally had this happen when I just wasn’t in the mood and later realized a guy was cool and someone I would like to hang out with because he gave me the space to think about it.

If she isn’t digging you the way you are digging her move on.  You deserve to like someone who likes you back.

 

 

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Manswers-Girls: How do I know if a girl is into me?


No this is not that show on Spike called “Manswers: the ultimate survival guide for men” or whatever it is. There is not pictures of big breasted women in cheer leader outfits doing jumping jack challenges or playing pin the tail on the donkey. This is a different type of survival guide.  It’s a guide about understanding women and how you can be more successful with them.  I get a lot of people asking me the very simple question; how do I tell if a girl is into me?

This question has a simple and many not so simple answers. We will start with the basic simple answer because 9 times out of 10 this is going to be pretty accurate.

Simple answer: If she is reciprocating your efforts, she is into you.

It’s that simple.  If you call her and she calls back, you ask her to hang out and she finds time, you lean in to kiss her and she kisses back, then she is obviously digging your program.  There was a book I read a while ago that was aimed at women who end up clinging to guys who aren’t that into them.  Naturally it was called “He’s Not That Into You”.  The book was about how if men are not initiating contact with you then they aren’t THAT interested.  It’s a beautiful book because as women we tend to make up excuses for why men we really like aren’t giving us the level of attention we would like from them.  I’ve seen many men suffer from a similar “excuse making up syndrome”.

The same lesson from “He’s Just Not That Into You” can be applied to men, except men still need to initiate contact to see if the woman reciprocates.  As a man you generally need to throw out the fishing pole to see if you get a bite.  Women generally swim around looking for attractive fishing poles that are being thrown at them and sort through to find which ones they want to bite.  Some have really great bait on them, some are easier to bite on than others, some have no bait but a really nice pole, etc.  There are many different kinds and it just depends on what the particular woman is looking for.  If she isn’t biting then stop casting your pole near her!  She knows it’s there, she sees it and recognizes it as yours, and she is not too busy to pay attention to it. If the right rod was in her swimming hole she would definitely not ignore it.

Recap: Don’t make up excuses for her not reciprocating your efforts.  If she really liked you, she would reciprocate.  Period.  Maybe it’s not a good time right now?  This could be true.  So GIVE HER SOME SPACE and check in again later.

If you never leave, she can’t miss you. She will learn that you are always there and will take you for granted.  You become one of guys that will forever be in the friend zone if you just hang around with your pole out waiting for her all the time.

Some more signs that a girl is attracted to you: (more…)

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Being Happy Is Easy


“While washing the dishes one should only be washing the dishes, which means that while washing the dishes one should be completely aware of the fact that one is washing the dishes.

The cup in your hands

 

. . . There are two ways to wash the dishes. The first is to wash the dishes in order to have clean dishes and the second is to wash the dishes in order to wash the dishes. . . .

If while washing the dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not “washing the dishes to wash the dishes.” What’s more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes.

In fact we are completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can’t wash the dishes, the chances are we won’t be able to drink our tea either. While drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things, barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are sucked away into the future – and we are incapable of actually living one minute of life.”

-Thich Nhat Hanh

I read this and it stuck with me throughout the day.  Every one talks about being present but few people actually practice it.  This is a huge cause of depression and general dissatisfaction with one’s life.  People in our culture tend to live in the future, always thinking of the next thing to do or looking for the next thing that will make them happy.

When you’re washing dishes you’re thinking about drinking tea, when you’re drinking tea you’re thinking about that

Art of doing nothing

awkward conversation you need to have with your boss tomorrow, while you are dealing with your boss you are thinking about what you are going to make for dinner, when you are making dinner you are thinking of the wonderful time you hope you have with your date, and while you are with your date you are thinking about the fact that you have to do the dishes.  And this is the hamster wheel we live in… always thinking about the next thing we are doing.  Thus, never receiving the enjoyment and innate happiness of each moment!  We think we are depressed or unhappy and have nothing to look forward to…  We don’t need to look forward to find happiness, we can enjoy the moment for the sake of enjoying the moment.

Now, I did not used to be good at this being present business, and even after practicing it comes and goes.  I’ll be the first to admit it!  Today I was doing yoga- a practice of BEING PRESENT- and simultaneously thinking of what I was going to eat when I got home and my plans this weekend!  Ridiculously ironic.  It’s insanity to do an exercise about being present and not be present while doing it.  No wonder why people are crazy.  I’ve spent many of my days planning the rest of my days, always already on the next task, as if I could somehow control it all working out perfectly.  Rarely does everything go according to the way I plan in my fantastical imagination anyway, there are always curve balls I didn’t expect that I couldn’t possibly have known about ahead of time.  That’s not the worst of it though.  I missed my experiences completely!

Right NOW is all we really have

Like in yoga today, I didn’t really enjoy my practice of yoga because I wasn’t really in my practice of yoga.  I realized this while I was cooking myself dinner and started enjoying what I was doing in the moment.  Squeezing lime juice and sea salt on my freshly sliced tomatoes, putting coconut oil in the pan and swirling it around, cutting open my organic Chilean sea bass to see if it was flaky and cooked.  It was tough to enjoy the process of making food while I was so hungry, I wanted to eat it already!  But, I was happy in those moments of cooking a delicious meal and it was one of the simplest, most delicious dinners I have ever had.  I know that is a bold statement.  It was that good.

While eating I sat in silence; I didn’t check my text messages or email or turn on Tosh.0 to entertain myself.  I simply sat and chewed, experiencing the flavor explosion of citrus peppered Chilean sea bass with a hint of coconut and juicy tomatoes with the perfect blend of salt and lime.  When I was done I sat there for another few minutes, just sitting there.  I was happy, satisfied, and content in that moment… doing nothing but enjoying the silence with the occasional bird chirping outside.

Being Present in the moment = Happiness and contentment = What we are always striving for anyway.

 

 

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It all starts with the person in the mirror


We live in a culture of ambiguous lines and overwhelmingly large grey areas. People show up when they want, change plans, and never really say no to anything out of fear of either missing out because they let the opportunity pass by or hurting someone’s feelings in the process.  We don’t want admit weakness because we want to be perfect.  We don’t want to see our limitations because we would rather live in a fantasy world where we don’t have any.

Understanding and embracing our limitations and weaknesses seems to us like it would be limiting. Naturally. It’s not though. It opens and frees us up to where we are and where we can go. Many times we are not present to where we are as a starting point and therefore we have unrealistic expectations about where we can go. We end up living in a fantasy, thinking that one day we will magically end up at point B, without ever really knowing where our point A is. Truth is, it’s hard to create a clear vision of a destination when you are not honest about where you are starting from.

We think we are always just a couple steps away. If _____ (insert outside circumstance here) would just change I would have what I want. We are living in a fantasy that promises we will get there soon, but the fantasy never takes us there because it is a FANTASY. Definition of fantasy: the process of creating unrealistic or improbable in response to a psychological need. If you want to find a quality girlfriend and you haven’t dated anyone in a couple years, thinking that you can meet one this week might be a fantasy because unless you clear what has been in your way the last couple years.  If we are choosing to have something it’s real because a choice occurs in reality.  If we are wanting something because we don’t have it and we think we need it it’s a fantasy.

We won’t learn the things necessary to improve on our weaknesses if we can’t admit we have any. If you are anything like me, you like to be superman/woman and have no weakness or fear! YEA RIGHT. We are kidding ourselves. When we can be aware and accepting of our weaknesses and limitations we can accept new information that can support us in moving toward where we are going. If we aren’t honest with ourselves about where we lack we will deny the very thing that could help us because we don’t think we need it! This is a form of self sabotage and can end up being quite self destructive if done over a long period of time.  It stops our growth because we can’t learn something we think we already know.

If we have clear boundaries we can say no to certain things we don’t want which opens up space for the things we do want to come in. Many times we hold on to the things we don’t want in desperation because we want to have something to hold on to!

Perfect example that has all these elements in it happened to me recently. I was dating someone who I had created to be a fantasy. I filled in the holes (things that didn’t work for me about him) with my imagination and created the perfect Mr. Right Now in my fantastical brain.  At first when I realized what was going on, I was afraid to say be honest because I didn’t want to experience the discomfort of the situation that might have been created from being completely authentic about where I was at. Eventually, the fantasy shattered and I realized it wasn’t him I was dealing with; it was my made up, idealized version of him.  I let go of that fantasy, and while this guy is a great guy and would be attractive to many women, it became clear that the relationship should come to an end. Once I set a boundary and let go of the the relationship, it opened me up emotionally and energetically to the world.  Immediately new opportunities that I was not aware of before showed their faces and I realized how many options I had that I was hiding from myself because I was holding on to a fantasy.

 

 

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Change her mood, don’t change her mind


Women are primarily ruled by their emotions. When she is feeling happy she has a good day, when she is feeling sad she has a bad day. And if she is having a good day and her friend gets mad at her for no apparent reason or she feels fat, that good day can quickly turn into a not so good day. Many times women make decisions based on these emotional states instead of based on what they really want or what would make them happy in the long run. It’s like they get into an emotional conundrum and all sense of logic goes out the window. They make rash decisions like staying at home and eating Ben and Jerry’s instead of going out with their friends when going out would probably make them feel better.

If the girl in question is to be persuaded into going out it’s not going to be through giving her the logical argument of seeing her friends, meeting cute guys, and wearing that new hot dress she has. These things help but they are not the deal breaking decision maker. The decision maker is how she feels about going out. If her friends turn on music, pour some champagne, and give her an outfit to borrow she will be ready in no time. :) I speak from direct experience of living with 4 girls. We always used to do this to get one another interested in going out when we were slacking.

If a girl is having doubts about hanging out or going somewhere it might not have very much to do with you, it’s probably her mood. Don’t take her mood personally. The worst thing you can do is try to change her MIND when her mood is not in alignment. Either help her get into a happier place or wait until she is happier on her own, and then ask her to hang out and you might get a completely different reaction. When I say don’t try to change her mind I’m talking about logically trying to get her to hang out when she doesn’t feel like it. First get her to feel like it and then convince her to hang out. Sometimes women feel fat, they are having a bad hair day, or they are in a fight with a friend… any one of those things can make her not want to go. The opposite is also true. If she is in a great mood and has a ton of things to do the next day, she might stay up all night because she is having a good time.

The bottom line is don’t try to convince a girl to hang out with you, instead alter her mood and help her feel good about herself and maybe she will decide to hang out with you on her own. :)

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The Dating Community and Jamie Thompson: Los Angeles Dating Coach


This is an article one of my clients wrote.  It paints a picture of one man’s journey through the community and eventually my coaching process.  Enjoy! :)
I remember going through a very interesting stage in my life a few years ago. I was a full-fledged Community junky. On my lunch break, I would take advantage of the perfect California weather and approach women in Ralph’s, Whole Foods, you name it, and come back with all sorts of stories. I thought it was way cooler than the guys who would mostly just eat lunch either at their desk or with each other. I had only two problems: One, I had a tough time getting the girls I talked with, to meet up with me again. And two, the women in my own office seemed to really distrust me.
the guys in my office: Most of them were in relationships. I was single.
It was weird. When before I found The Community, I wondered why jerks got laid and I did not. After I found The Community, I wondered why Average Frustrated Chumps got laid and I did not.  (Average Frustrated Chump (AFC) is a term that Community guys use to describe the supposedly unenlightened guys not in The Community.) I came to see that the problem is with The Community itself. Guys are headed down paths that are not helping them. These are the three that, as I see it, are the most destructive.
1. Looking down on Mainstream Society and picking up habits that make you look weird. Everyone in The Community talks about how inept the average guy is with women. Actually, the average guy is decent. Not great, but decent. The average guy has a basic grasp on flirting, “making a move” physically, and chivalry. He can’t approach in the grocery store, but he sometimes can in bars, and eventually he is able to get a woman in his social circle to feel attraction and fall in love with him. The proof is out there–the planet has 6 billion people, and to the best of my knowledge, they aint here due to Immaculate Conception.
In fact, I would say that the average Community guy is *less* proficient with women than the average `Mainstream” guy. In the Mainstream, having sex isn’t that uncommon. In The Community, it gives you enough credibility to write an e-book and sell it for 39.95. Combine this with the fact that many guys in The Community hold a lot of disdain for Mainstream
society’s ways, and it becomes awfully easy for a guy coming in, to fall into ways of behaving that come across weird.
I’ll give you an example from my own life. Walking up cold to a woman whom you really want to meet, is a noble concept. Few people can do this, and not too many guys will even try, at least outside of a bar. Approaching a girl when you just have to is very powerful. The problem comes when we take this idea to extremes. Approaching every cute girl in sight is just weird and a little creepy, especially if you can’t read social situations and realize when you’d only be interrupting or embarrassing her.
I myself used to spend every lunch hour approaching women–the supermarket, Peet’s Coffee, you name it. I was pretty proud of my efforts and how this separated me from every other guy in the office. Well maybe they did, but the women in my office in particular didn’t seem impressed with me. Maybe they saw my behavior for what it was–validation-seeking to an unhealthful level. And seeing how few of the women I approached followed up with me, perhaps they saw it that way too. Meeting women had become my main aim, and Jamie helped me see that this was repulsive to the type of girl I was looking to meet, and that I would *not* get closer to my goals by doing more approaches.
It’s easy for a guy in The Community to come across as weird for another reason too. The Community’s focus is on trying to boil down human interactions to a method and formula. Routines and algorithms–when girl says x, you say y. This does make some sense–guys who are looking to get better and who are analytical find it easy to focus on specifics, and there is a learnable structure to solid social skills. However, what often happens is that guys in The Community are always so focused on saying the right thing that they come across as either stilted and in their heads (worst case), or too smooth and fake (best case) or somewhere in between. Either way the girl senses something is off and won’t follow through because she doesn’t trust the guy.  It’s amazing how although some things change, some things remain the same. Community guys are a lot like “nice guys” in that they are always in their heads, trying to be quote perfect-unquote in a sense.
However, Jamie lead me to understand the following in our work together: Many many a woman is with a guy who made all sorts of what The Community considers unrecoverable mistakes. The guy she is with isn’t necessarily that good-looking, smooth, and he often doesn’t even have what the Community calls “rock-solid inner-game”.  True, this guy is usually someone whom she works with or someone in her social circle. This is what is happening though: either by luck or accident, immediately or over time, she felt the guy’s masculinity or emotionally connected with the guy. That’s not to say that the woman necessarily chose wisely, or even that the guy she is with is good at meeting women. It is to say that imperfect real will win over perfect fake in the long run.
2. Becoming a Douche-bag. Yes, this is part of 1. just above, but I felt it deserved its own section. Everyone accuses the Community as being full of misogyny–hatred of women. Instead, I would actually say that The Community is really full of misandry–hatred of men. Women might indeed be objectified, but men–the 99 percent of them outside The Community anyway–are often put down.
Think of how most companies do their marketing. Usually it is about putting down average guys and getting an insurmountable advantage over them. I realize that we are hardwired to respond to this type of marketing due to our competitive instincts. Think of what it leads to though. Yes, a lot of guys who join The Community stop hanging out with other guys (or I should instead say, they never started in the first place) to focus on meeting women. An afternoon spent playing softball or basketball or just watching the game with other guys is considered a waste of time compared to prowling the local mall to approach women. Even worse, guys who join The Community start looking down on other guys and their ways, and instead focus on trying to outslick these guys to get their girls. They become the male equivalent of catty–their interactions with other men are all about getting an advantage over them when it comes to attracting the women.
It’s as if they are trying to cover their lack of male initiation with a bunch of techniques designed to win women. They actually instead become guys that other people (especially women) don’t really trust. I realize that it isn’t marketable to tell a guy that he needs to do what it takes for him to become comfortable in the presence of other men, but that might be precisely what he needs.
There is also something else going on that is a little more subtle. Many of us in The Community become takers in a sense. We spend a lot of energy, frankly, trying to get good at getting something from complete strangers who have something to give (i.e., attractive women). I did this when I was doing all those approaches. I had stopped growing really, and I had become pretty superficial.
3. Not getting the right things to work on. Well what are the right things to work on? Mainly getting comfortable in your own skin–not just in social interactions with women you might want to date, but also in interactions *with other men*, and in situations in life. The ability to straddle that fine line between being bold and respectful. Going for what we want unapologetically on the one hand, while on the other hand being able to read another person and being respectful of social situations.
The ability to build and maintain sexual tension. The ability to flirt, which is really about lightly making fun of a woman about something she said. A “nice guy” pretty much stays on the topic of conversation with the girl, and we all know where that leads–a nice logical friendly interaction. A guy who is good with women often breaks off the logical thread of conversation to tease and/or compliment her in this regard.
As for myself and my own growth, the work Jamie and I did together was crucial. Her coaching made me aware of the jumpy nervous energy I was projecting, and of the little gestures and tics that were conveying that. In fact, I discovered in our work together that I had layers of behaviors and mannerisms in this regard that I wasn’t even aware of in the first place, layers that were making me come across as fake and that were turning people away. We worked on peeling these away. Learning more techniques actually would have only hurt me at the time. I also had to take a look at the rest of my life and whether I was excited about it, and make the necessary changes. I had to look inward at my own aim.
Meanwhile, I wish you success on your own journey…
-Mike
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Releasing the sex kitten from it’s cultural cage


I am writing this to clarify a myth that is old and outdated but people still use it much like those who won’t give up their beloved blackberries. hehe  The myth is “All men want is to hook up and all women want are relationships”.

Where does this come from?

It goes back to our very biology.  Women are programed at a biological level to mother and take care of her offspring to ensure the human race continues to exist.  Naturally with this as a core level function for being here a woman wants to be with one man so when she starts hatching little ones someone is there to provide for them while she stays at home in the tipi to raise the kids.  She has to be selective with who she allows to impregnate her because she can only pop out so many of these creatures in a lifetime and each baby takes a lot of responsibility, but most of all because the man warriors are not created equal.  Some husbands are more likely to survive a buffalo attack and bring home food so her children don’t starve… re: she wants one that can beat a buffalo in a fight and bring it home for dinner.

Meanwhile men are running around wanting to spread their seed all over the village to carry on their name, so they get aroused every time a sexy maiden with a nice hip to waist ratio walks before them in a raw hide skirt.  Men are programed to want multiple sexual partners, thus creating a bit of tension between the genders.

So biologically speaking the myth is correct.  Men want to hook up and women want relationships.  That said, as a culture we have come a long way since buffalo and rawhide skirts.  In recent years women and men have explored different dynamics of our human psyche and we are not victims of our biology anymore.  Men find themselves happy and satisfied with one woman and women find themselves enjoying multiple partners.

The denying of the female sexuality… (more…)

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